Let me start this blog off by saying that my initial plan was to blog about something else. I had the blog READY and my mouse on ‘publish, ‘ and then I started paying attention to my feelings. The whole month of October has been a month of reflection for me. I was feeling out of sorts the first couple of weeks of October. I didn’t know why but then it hit me! It had been a year since I had my “awakening” experience and I was subconsciously processing it, but I wasn’t entirely present enough to recognize it until I took the time to unravel my feelings and figure it all out.
It was a year ago that I began this journey. It has been everything but uneventful. It has been full of highs and lows but mostly highs. 2017 has been a phenomenal year for me! I have truly evolved and becoming the woman I always wanted to be, and I AM NOT DONE YET! This past year I have learned several things about myself. This year has been incredible, emotional, overwhelming and harsh. I did NOT wake up like this!!
As I mentioned, these past twelve months I have learned several things about myself. Each new experience became a notch on my belt of self-honor. I wear my battle scars with pride. It was a challenge, but it was worth the pain and tears. I look back in amazement when I think about how crazy my life would still be if I had never experienced this transition. Looking back at the person I was to the person that I am now; I am amazed to no end. There’s something about evolving that makes you look, feel and act differently.
Here are the 12 steps that helped me changed my life for the better.
- Accountability is essential.
One of the most profound lessons I have learned was taking accountability for my thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and feelings. I had to take responsibility for my life and unpack my sh*t. I spent a lot of time crying and wallowing in self-pity. If you have been following my blog, you already know the story. I used to be a “victim” and always redirected my issues onto others. I am all too familiar which is why I can detect the “victim mentality” a mile away. I am all too familiar with this way of being more than I care to admit, but I am glad I shook this mentality. Now, I take ownership and hold myself responsible for my actions and the energy I bring into the spaces where I present myself including how I allowed myself to be treated by others. I had to take accountability for it all.
2. Conflict is NOT a dirty word.
I used to run from conflict. It was uncomfortable, I felt anxiety, and I always felt terrible after it was all said and done. The reason behind this was because I was more concerned about the feelings of others than my own. I was a martyr. Being a martyr is unfulfilling, destructive and you are telling yourself and others you don’t matter. Suffering is not fun. It wasn’t until I was “awakened” that I realized that I had to learn conflict-resolution to grow. We learn about ourselves through conflict. I learned that I didn’t communicate or fight fair when I engaged in conflict. I would let issues fester and bottle them up and then BOOM!!! I explode. The damage is done, and then I find myself being the headliner of the I AM SORRY tour. I was a mess.
I have learned that conflict is not a dirty word. It taught me how to communicate my feelings in a calm, transparent and efficient manner. Conflict doesn’t mean you or the other party has to be right or wrong. It means being an adult and discussing the issue in a way where all parties involved feel heard.
Exhibit A
A couple of weeks ago, I was at a social event, and someone said something that offended me. I was triggered! I will spare the details, but the comment changed my mood from pleasant and happy to pure RAGE. Typically, I would have resorted to passive-aggressive behaviors like silent treatment, eye rolling and maybe even lashed out at that person in front of the group but I didn’t. I put my big girl panties on and conducted myself as if it never happened. I didn’t ignore the issue, but I wasn’t going to allow it to ruin my night. I was having a great time, and I wasn’t going to enable the situation to get the best of me. Later, I had a conversation with that person and told them how I felt. It wasn’t about who was right or who was wrong. For me, it was about being heard and addressing conflict like a grown up.
For the record, when it comes to conflict, everything doesn’t have to be combative and emotionally charged to get my point across. I don’t feel wrong about communicating my feelings that I would bottle up and allow to take over me to the point that I would resort to passive-aggressive behaviors.
3. Never minimize yourself to preserve someone else’s ego.
Ugh. Looking back, I realize that on many occasions I would minimize myself to preserve someone else’s ego. I avoided conflict, so I always played it “safe” instead of speaking my truth. Forfeiting my own needs for the sake of someone else’s still left me feeling disappointed and many times, angry with myself. I wasn’t authentic. I was phony. I was pretending like I was okay with something when deep down inside I wasn’t. I didn’t want to be the bad guy so I would keep quiet and go with the flow. This was my need for outside validation and acceptance. NOW all of that is out of the window. I speak my truth and sleep very well at night…even if it doesn’t sit well with others. One of the best feelings in the world is speaking my mind and not losing sleep wondering if what I said will cause others to be mad or upset with me.
BONUS: Set healthy boundaries for yourself.
Some things are non-negotiable, and boundaries are one of them. Setting boundaries is a form of self-love. NEVER feel guilty for setting boundaries…even if it upsets others. Don’t feel guilty for walking away from friendships and relationships where you feel you are treated as an emotional punching bag. Walk away.
4.Breakups are NOT the end of the world.
Unless someone died, breakups are NOT the end of the world. In most cases, it is the beginning of a great life ahead. I took one of the worst chapters of my life and used it to fuel my own reinvention. I did some serious soul-searching and I moved on. The world doesn’t stop when love does. I took all of the negative feelings and energy surrounding my breakup and used them for something positive like my business, pursuing my doctorate, podcasting and of course, blogging. As a woman in her late thirties, starting over after a long-term relationship felt like a daunting task. I did not want to start over. But here’s the thing, I would rather start over and be with someone who loves me unconditionally and accepts me for who I truly am than to be in a toxic relationship filled with psychological warfare, lack of empathy, distrust and revenge tactics. I was in a toxic relationship for 3 years, trying to love a broken, unhealed man who needed me to fix him. I was broken and expecting him to fix me as well. We were making the other person responsible for our own happiness. Sadly, I didn’t realize the extent of the toxicity of this relationship until I found myself and realized I deserved so much more. I am finally in the relationship I have always longed to be in and that relationship is with myself. I know my worth!!
PS: A man never forgets a good woman… even if he is the worst of the worst! Remember that! KNOW YOUR WORTH EVEN IF HE DOESN’T!
BONUS: Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
I read a meme a while back on Instagram that read: “Nice things are often rejected by people who can’t afford them.” I have learned that in most of my relationships besides undervaluing my own worth so did the people who I allowed into my space. I wasn’t recognizing my own dopeness and depending on someone else to validate me and determine my worth. What I didn’t realize is that sometimes we enter relationships with people who don’t even love who they are so how can we expect them to love us the way we deserve to be loved? When a man or woman loves you with conditions or mistreats you let them go!! Stop wasting your time trying to get them to change. Chances are they won’t. In many occasions, the trash will take itself out and move on to someone else! PLEASE let them go and be free! Stop holding onto toxic people and relationships. You are responsible for your own happiness. Stop leaving your self-worth in the hands of trash!
PS: Stop using zodiac signs to absolve sh*tty behavior!! It doesn’t matter if you are an Aquarius, Capricorn, Cancer or Libra. If you ain’t sh!t, you ain’t sh t!
PS #2: A single man with no kids and a good job is NOT a selling point!
What does his conversation say about him? Who or what does he talk about? Who does he follow on social media? Do most of his follows consist of pages like “Sluts with Big Butts?” or does he follow pages that are indicative of his intellect, how he views the world and that there is more to life than just sex and good times. How a man handles emotional stress, relationship issues, past relationships, has integrity, communicates like a mature adult, respects you and accepts you for who you are should be his selling points. All that other stuff is smoke and mirrors. Just because a man doesn’t have kids doesn’t make him a “good man.” Shoot, he may not have kids because he has ED! You never know! (LOL)
All jokes aside, I am not trying to shame men that don’t have kids but all too often women (myself included) get excited about a man who has a “good” job and no kids as if that is the highest achievement a man can have to be considered a good man. There are a lot of single fathers out here in relationships, handling their business, and treating their women like queens, AND they are not dealing with the proverbial “baby mama drama.” Don’t get me wrong, relationships can be easier to navigate with someone who doesn’t have the “baby mama drama” but guess what, some single men without kids can be some of the most problematic in the dating pool! Stop letting these men or (your circles of influence), jive talk you into dealing believing that a man with no kids is the JACKPOT of relationships because they look good on paper.
5. Self-Validation is the only validation that matters.
That’s it! Outside validation only leaves you empty. Love of self is the only thing that fills you up, and you never feel empty. Self-validating is the acceptance of who you are. I used to have a difficult time making decisions. I would have an executive board meeting before making a decision. Whenever I came to a decision and someone I trusted didn’t agree, I questioned myself and ruminated over whether or not I made the right decision. I don’t live by those ideals of myself anymore. I make decisions and stand firm in them. Self-validation is trusting you to make the right choices even if the outcome is not what you expected. There is nothing wrong with talking to other people before making a decision but making a decision to please other people is where we fail ourselves.
6. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Where shall I begin? One of the biggest disservices we can do for ourselves is to compare ourselves to other people. When you compare yourself to someone else, you are telling yourself you are not enough. Social media allows us to live vicariously through others and believe that the grass is always greener on the other side. We see the loving couple all smiles on vacation in the Bahamas not knowing they are on the verge of divorce, but they are putting on airs for the masses. It was too late to cancel the trip, so they had to go! Feel me? What about the IG model who has 10K likes on her photos and wishing you had her kind of attention but what you don’t know is that she was insecure and alters her body as a result of her insecurities and need to feel she needs to look a sure way to considered beautiful. We always want what we can’t have instead of staying in our own lane and thankful for what we have. As a person who was always in a state of comparing myself to others, it is not fun, and it is a very stressful life to live. It wasn’t until I started the healing process and going to therapy, that I unpacked a lot of my ish and understood the cause of why I felt the need to compare myself to others. The only thing you should be comparing yourself to is the person you used to be the awesome person you are now!!
7. Your vibe attracts your tribe.
Once I changed my vibe, so did my tribe. Once your energy changes for the better, so does your circle of friends. Sometimes when you change from within, you outgrow some situations and move on to new ones. Since I have been on this journey, I have attracted people in my life that compliment who I am. You attract who you are including intimate relationships and friendships. People notice when you lack self-love, don’t have healthy boundaries, lack confidence, etc. Those same people will gravitate to you and use your insecurities to their advantage to feeding their fragile ego. When you change your vibe such as thinking more positively, responding instead of reacting to emotionally charged situations, putting yourself first and setting boundaries, it filters from the inside to the outside, and you will attract that same energy. Not to say the energy vultures will not show up because they will, but you have the choice to eliminate those individuals out of your life and keep it moving. Surround yourself with individuals who support you, tell you about yourself (good and bad) and inspire you.
8. Let it go.
Whenever I hear the phrase “Let it go.” I think about the song from the movie Frozen AND the song Bag Lady by Erykah Badu. Both songs are pretty awesome, but Bag Lady speaks to my soul. Listening to that song now, I have a visceral reaction to it because I can relate to it more now than I ever did before. The song speaks to the woman who carries the bags of hurt, pain, loss, low self-esteem, ill-fated relationships, etc. but fails to realize that the only thing she needs to hold onto is herself. As the song progresses, Erykah Badu further urges the “bag lady” to “pack light.” In other words, let that sh*t go and only carry what you need which is yourself! Have you ever packed a suitcase for a trip and packed so much stuff you could barely carry the suitcase, or you needed help carrying your baggage? See where I am going with this? The emotional baggage we carry is NOT necessary. It is a waste. It keeps us stuck and stagnant. How can you catch your “bus” with all of those emotional bags slowing you down? I had to let the ( I use the word ‘the’ because they are not my bags anymore) emotional baggage go and start living my best life. I was beginning to need help carrying my bags because I had so many of them. I was crippled by pain, rejection and hurt. I had to unpack those bags and get to the root of my baggage. Now the only bag I carry is my Vince Camuto tote bag!! Btw, check out the song Bag Lady here. I promise it will bless you!
9. Say no.
The only thing I have to say about this is that freely saying ‘no’ to people has tremendously changed my life. I don’t feel guilty, and I am stress-free because of it. I had to put myself first and understand that saying ‘no’ would make others upset or disappointed and I had to be okay with that. I love to help people, but I had to learn the hard way that saying no meant that I stopped being in “trick bags” or made to feel guilty for not saying no. Saying yes to everything left me feeling upset and doing things begrudgingly. That is not how I want to live my life. I want to live my life on my terms, and by doing so, I am teaching others how to deal with me. One way is saying no. Don’t feel guilty for saying no. You may feel bad initially, but after a while, you will notice that you don’t feel bad for saying no and you are showing yourself love by saying no. You will thank yourself later. I promise.
10. Therapy is a form of healing.
Therapy has helped me on this journey. I experienced an overwhelming amount of emotions and feelings about my life and my future a year ago. I wanted to change and start making better life decisions. My therapist helped me do that. She was patient and kind with me, but she also called me out on my ish when it was needed. I strongly encourage you to seek therapy if you struggle with life challenges, post-traumatic stress, depression, etc. Mental health wellness is a form of self-care. There are so many people unable to maintain healthy relationships because they refuse to deal with the unresolved issues that hold them back. There is nothing sexy or cool about being an adult with unresolved issues and expecting the people around you to just accept you and your “That’s just how I am” mantra. I do NOT support this mentality..at all!
Side note: Sometimes people refuse to seek therapy because letting go or resolving their issues doesn’t allow them to use their hurt as a crutch. They can’t be a victim if they fix their problems. Some people are afraid of what they will find out about themselves, or they don’t want to recall suppressed traumatic experiences, so they run. It saddens me to see people continually running from themselves, and they never receive the healing they genuinely deserve.
PS: Church folks need therapy too!! There’s a lot of “church folk” walking around this earth expecting God to send a bolt of lightning down from heaven and fix their issues. If you have unresolved childhood trauma, bad experiences or relationship issues it doesn’t make you or the church look bad because you are in therapy. YOU must do the work! Faith without works is dead. God uses people to heal us too! When you have a toothache, do you not to the dentist?? Stop expecting God to do things for you that you can do on your own. Yes God is a healer, but it doesn’t make sense to sit on your stool of do nothing and expect God to do things He has already given you the ability to do which is pick up the phone, dial the number and schedule an appointment to see a therapist!! Stop playing!!!
11. Unforgiveness shines the light on who you are, not the offender.
Earlier this week I saw this tweet and laughed hysterically at the comments in response to this tweet. While the tweets were a comedic form of entertainment for me, it also shows the byproduct of unforgiveness. Hurt people hurt people. Trust me, I was there, and there was a point in time where I wanted a Mack truck to run over my ex-along with a few other people. Can I be real?? I knew then like I know now that thinking those things were wrong and I would never want something like that to happen to anybody but vulnerability is a mutha, ‘ and when we feel our vulnerability has been taken advantage of by someone we loved and trusted, all hell can break loose.
Forgiving the people who hurt me has always been difficult for me and still is. I am not going to lie to you. However, I know it is the right thing to do. When we forgive those, who have wronged us it is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. In our moments of hurt, we may resort to low blow insults or seek revenge. Those are all temporary fixes. It doesn’t change anything. I am a firm believer and supporter of KARMA. No matter how much time passes, karma never expires. Release the people who have hurt you. They will have to answer for what they have done. It doesn’t make what they did okay; it just means you choose to move forward in peace and no longer holding on to the hurt.
PS: Sometimes when we experience hurt, and the wounds are still fresh, it can be challenging to forgive. Give yourself time to process your hurt and understand what it is that is hurting you. Also, forgive yourself. No matter what you have done, forgive yourself without limitations.
12. I’m a grown woman.
I will be the big 4-0 in four months and I can’t wait! I am looking forward to a new start and walking in my healing. These past 12 months have been an experience of a lifetime and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am thankful for the situations and people God used to process me and set me up for greatness. This kind of journey is not for the faint of heart and it takes courage. It takes humility and most of all it takes A LOT of patience. I appreciate my tribe who stood by me and held me up when I wanted to give up, who talked some sense into me when I wanted to “shame the devil” do something I knew I would regret, who gave me insight and words of wisdom. I appreciate all of it because it helped me during those days when I wasn’t feeling like being positive or that my life would change for the better. Time flies and it waits for no one. I refuse to waste time on things that don’t matter or that I can’t control. What I can control is my energy, the way I treat people and how I present myself to the world.
2018 is going to be a BANGER!!!!
Thanks for reading! I would love to hear from you. Email me at thehonestaquarian@gmail.com.
Facebook: The Honest Aquarian
IG: @thehonestaquarian
The Honest Aquarian 