The Love Story
So there I was…hurt, heartbroken, sad, angry and crying. The man I loved dearly was no longer in my life. Three years together, five years total down the drain. What made it even worse is that our perfect love story I planned to tell at our wedding would no longer happen. It was our story. It was ” meant to be.”…a life of eternal bliss. WRONG!
The Fairytale
Photo credit: Buzzfeed.com
We have all been there. The monster man of our dreams comes into our lives and we KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that he is THE ONE! We start planning the wedding, imagining how life will be as husband and wife, starting a family and madly in love. He tells you everything you want to hear. He makes you feel like you are the only woman in the world. You can’t imagine life without him. Right?? Geesh! Even with the lows, the love we have for that man will not allow us to give up on him. We overlook the RED FLAGS and dismiss it as him “just being a man”. We even internalize his manipulative mind f*ckery as OUR fault. Don’t get me wrong, we must take accountability for our role in the demise of a relationsh*t. But just don’t internalize it as solely your fault. Let’s keep it 100. It takes two to tango.
Having a broken heart doesn’t mean you are a victim. The breakup doesn’t define you. Remember that.
Fella’s I will not leave you out. I know you have been down this road too. She was beautiful, she was smart, and she was kind. She was the total package. She was the girl Lil Boosie raps about in his song ‘I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T’. She was ALL that! You told your family and your boys about her because she made you smile. When the two of you would go out, you loved to show her off because she was THAT girl other chicks wish they could be. She was the Beyoncé to your Jay-z… the Bonnie to your Clyde.
You loved her and wanted to make her your wife one day. She was the woman you had been looking for after so many failed attempts at LOVE. She was beauty, booty and brains all in one. You’re getting older and wanted to settle down so this has to be it. The revolving door of “relationsh*ts” was OVER! You found your QUEEN! Not so fast!!
It’s OVER! The LOVE is gone. The mental checkout happened way before the physical. The love that you thought would never end is DUNZO! The DISCARD was brutal! They had been looking for a way out for a while but they didn’t want to be the bad guy so they waited for that perfect storm. PS: The narcissist never wants to look badly in front of his family or peers. More on that later. The FINAL argument they started happened and they “suddenly” can’t take the relationship anymore. Chances are that the escape plan had been set in motion weeks, maybe even months before it was actually put into action! The disconnect rarely happens overnight. RARELY!
Do these scenarios sound familiar? They are all too familiar for many of us who have been fortunate enough to experience heartbreak. YES! I said fortunate. I am going to tell you why heartbreak was good for me. Like to hear it? Hear it go!
The key to all of this is you have to be open to the process and have the desire to remain UNSTUCK in the heartbreak. This does not mean you should ignore the feelings you have while dealing with heartbreak. NEVER deny your feelings!
- Heartbreak allows you to self-reflect.
You should know by now that I am all about self-reflection and accountability. Without these two entities, you will continue going around and around in the revolving door of relationsh*ts. It’s exhausting. When you look at the relationship for what is was and NOT for what you hoped it would be, you can accept the breakup, take OWNERSHIP of your role in the breakup and finally move on with your life. During this time you are able to take the time to debrief the relationship and see yourself and the things you need to change so that you don’t continue repeating the same self-sabotaging behaviors in future relationships. Exhibit A: After breaking up with my ex, I reflected on the relationship and the role I played in its demise. I didn’t communicate appropriately at times which caused many of the arguments in our relationship. Looking back at the heated arguments, I realize that I could have dealt with things better than I did. Healthy communication is key. I did ALOT of soul-searching during this time.
PS: Take ownership of your role in the demise of the relationship and be open to self-reflection so you don’t repeat the cycle.
2. Heartbreak Allows You to Focus on YOU.
One of the greatest things that could have ever happened to me was being forced to deal with me. I was able to uncover some really deep sh*t that contributed to the negative behaviors in my relationships. I also came to terms with the uncomfortable truth that I was allowing myself to be treated in a way that went against my core values and standards. The self-love was not there. I had to do better.
Helpful Hint: What you choose to do post-breakup is crucial. You can take time to focus on YOU, reflect and strive towards bettering yourself OR you can immediately start a new situationship relationship shortly after your breakup, bury your feelings and emotions and use the new partner as a temporary distraction. The unresolved feelings will eventually resurface and at some point cause issues in your new relationship if they are not appropriately dealt with. Trust me I know. I carried so many unresolved issues and feelings into my relationships and now I am finally recognizing that it wasn’t about the other person, it was about me and the type of energy I was attracting.
I chose to focus on me and this and in the past six months I have done the following:
I even participated in a Twerkshop recently! It was AMAZING!
Helpful Hint: When you are busy doing YOU, you have no time to worry about what your ex is doing and who he/she is doing it with. You are too busy being GREAT!!!
3. They ALWAYS come back…
This one is pretty long! In just about every relationship or situationship I have been in, the person would always come back trying to disturb my peace with their treachery once again. By this time, I am over the relationship and the individual. But the times I wasn’t over it, I fell back into their trap. I would be at their disposal hoping that this time around they would do right by me. I was a mess.
When “that person” comes back knocking on your “door” be it social media, emails, direct messages or seeing them out at one of your favorite spots-you have to be ready and fully armed. I am not saying you shouldn’t let them back into your space-people do change but PROCEED WITH CAUTION!! Put yourself first. Understand that this person is coming back for a reason. But what is the reason? Don’t be so quick to accept their invitation without vetting their agenda. I have heard countless stories of breakups and the ex coming back. It is inevitable. It can be weeks, months or years later. In my case a month later.
CAUTION! After a break up you are likely to be in a highly intense emotional space. Do NOT fall for the “We can still be friends” bait!
It is a trap to keep you hanging on. It is unhealthy and you MUST detach! I had to decline several offers of friendship post breakup. I knew it wasn’t going to turn out well for him or me if we remained friends. I am well aware that each breakup scenario is different and some can remain friends with their exes with no issues. However, I admonish you not to remain friends with your ex immediately after a breakup. This delays the healing process and only hurts you more. It was impossible or me to remain friends with an ex when I still had strong feelings for them.
You are NOT obligated to accept this person back into your life so don’t feel obligated to entertain blocked text messages, emails or coincidental “drive bys”. ALWAYS follow your intuition!! I could have saved myself a lot of unnecessary heartache had I just listened to what my intuition was telling me. Keep reading…
It is up to you to act on what you NEED, rather than what you WANT. When you act on what you need and not what you want you are less likely to resort to automated negative behavior patterns that will get you into trouble…
Exhibit B: Receiving a text message from your ex a few days before Thanksgiving telling you that you were on his mind, he is thinking about you and still in love with you. You fall for the okey doke only to be lured into a request for a pointless much needed, face-to-face conversation for “closure” but it really all it entails are circular conversations that go nowhere, guilt-ridden I love you’s, when in fact he already has moved on with another woman before shortly after the breakup and plans to continue start a new relationship with her. See where this is going?? Like who is REALLY getting played here? He was playing both sides and I wasn’t going to compete with another woman for his attention or love. Have a good day sir!!!
I refer to this type of person as a “fire starter” aka “relationship arsonist”! They deliberately create drama/peril in the relationship or situation at hand , run away as the situation is quickly set ablaze then blame you for the fire being started act as if they had absolutely nothing to do with this blazing inferno. You then have to play the “firefighter” extinguish the fire with as little casualties as possible. When the “relationship arsonist” is reminded of what they did and said to create the disharmony, they quickly project their wrongdoing as something you made them do so it’s not their fault.
4. You Recognize Your Worth/Value.
Heartbreak allows you to determine your worth-not the other person. For so many years I tied my worth to the person I was with. My worth was tied to my partner’s compliments, texts, calls, gifts, etc. But once they did something that I didn’t like or emotionally triggered by, I would crumble because I tied their stupidity actions or inaction to my worth. Ugh! So ridiculous. Helpful Hint: Your worth is not valued by the actions or inaction of the other person. After debriefing my last relationship, I knew I deserved to be treated better. There were things that transpired in the relationship that were unacceptable. I allowed it so I can’t blame him for what I allowed to happen over and over again. I later realized that allowing my ex to treat me poorly was a reflection on how I didn’t love myself the way I should have. The love I had for him, overruled the love I had for myself. That is why I allowed it. I didn’t want to start over, or let all of the years we had been together go to waste. I have also learned that people treat you the way they feel about themselves.
Helpful Hint: Once you know your worth, you no longer accept bad behavior and are ok with the possibility of the other person walking away because you choose to stand up for yourself. STAY WOKE!
6. Heartbreak Allows You to Appreciate “BETTER”.
Let’s face it, when you are heartbroken you may feel that the world has ended and you will never find someone like your ex . WRONG!! Heartbreak allows you to recognize that you deserve to be treated better (I overdosed on self-awareness and self-love to get to this point.) and you can appreciate the new person who comes into your life that appreciates you, loves, respects and treats you the way you should be treated. There are still some good men and women out there who are looking for exactly what you are looking for. Be patient. I have learned that love always finds you when you aren’t even looking for it. It just happens that way. Even if you are actively looking for love and are fortunate enough to find it, that is great!
Breakups happen for a reason and even though you may still have feelings for your ex it doesn’t mean that life doesn’t and will not go on after them. Life goes on! Trust me!
7. Heartbreak Builds Inner -Strength and Resilience.
One of the hardest things I had to endure after breakup is recovering. I had to pick up the broken pieces and MOVE ON! I had no choice. The decision was made and even though I knew it was for the best, my heart didn’t want to let go. I knew deep down inside that this was a journey that I had to go solo. He couldn’t come with me. He had his own issues that he needed to focus on. Whether he chose to fix himself or not was his deal. I knew I had to fix ME.
The last time I saw my ex was during the Thanksgiving holiday. We exchanged text messages everyday while he was in town visiting and we met up one final time. It was like old times again. We talked, drank wine, talked about something we both loved…music. It felt so right. I felt that maybe what we had could be fixed. See it wasn’t just about the relationship, I didn’t want to start over. I knew the relationship was over but three years in, five years total and the planning we made about finally being in the same state, I couldn’t let that go to waste and let someone else profit from my loss.
This past Thanksgiving holiday was the last time I saw him but it wasn’t the last time I communicated with him. I was so used to him being in my life EVERY holiday in some way or another. The attachment was strong. Christmas, New Years and Valentine’s Day were holidays I looked forward to even though we weren’t not always together due to the distance. The emotional connection we had surpassed distance. A month after our breakup I detested those same holidays. It was so hard getting through Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day without him. It was BRUTAL!
THEN IT HAPPENED!! One day I woke up and told myself that I would not shed another tear, dwell on the past or question my new normal. I was taking the breakup personally. I was making it about him. I was weakened by the sting of the heartbreak and felt vulnerable. I had to dig my heels into the ground and stand firm in the fact that I was going to be a better person once this was all said and done. I knew this journey would NOT be easy but it would definitely change my life for the better and it did. I am changing my thought patterns, choosing how to RESPOND and not REACT to any given situation and simply putting more efforts into being the woman I was destined to be. I can’t reiterate how the trials and tribulations I went through were for my good. I’m pretty sure I would be the same self-doubting, self-sabotaging, easily angered, whoa-is-me victim person had I not been heartbroken.
8. Heartbreak is the Catalyst that Ignites the Flame of Self- Love.
When we experience heartbreak we are able to redirect the love we once gave to our ex-partners to ourselves. Think about how wonderful it feels when you are in love with someone. It feels great doesn’t it? Just imagine if you took that same love and gave it to yourself. When I am in love, I get butterflies in my stomach knowing I am going to spend time with my partner. You should get that same feeling when you spend time with yourself.
The first few months after my breakup were very difficult for me. I spent countless amounts of time texting, talking on the phone, writing in my journal about what I was experiencing. I was in so much pain. The life I had planned was no more and I had to start all over. Starting over after you have spent 5 years building with someone you deeply loved and cared about, only to see it all crumble into pieces was nerve-wracking for me. I knew that I would be okay eventually but that seemed like an eternity.
I had to put on my big girl panties and reassert my position in my own life. It was no longer about him-it was about ME! The self-love I denied myself of was overshadowed by the love I was giving to my ex. After the breakup, I recognized and embraced my worth. I had to own up to the fact that I was seeking validation from someone who was seeking validation as well. What a mess! As I dealt with my feelings and focused on me, I stopped allowing my self-worth to be validated from the outside. Often times in our relationships we place too much value on the other person and not ourselves. I am guilty of this.
I focused so much energy on him that I started to lose myself. I knew that this relationship was going in the wrong direction if things didn’t change. Little did I know that the change I was thinking Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t some doormat or walking around sad and depressed. I definitely stood up for myself when something wasn’t right but I allowed things to happen in the relationship that reflected how I felt about myself. I kept telling myself things would change. Did I mention this was a long-distance relationship?? More on that later. When I started to love myself, an amazing transition happened. I felt better, the heaviness I carried for so many years was gone. I felt like a new person! I wish I made this transition a long time ago but it happened when it was supposed to because I was open to the process. I wasn’t open years ago.
I am loving this “me” time and developing a strong relationship with someone who makes me so happy…ME!
9. Heartbreak Brings about Gratitude.
It can be challenging finding the good in a bad situation. I was going through so much at one time and all I could see was the bad. I had to snap out of it and think about all of the things going right in my life. I was gainfully employed, in good health, I have reliable transportation, a roof over my head, a loving family and all of my needs are met. Everyday I tried to find the good around me. Gratitude was instrumental in my recovery from my breakup. It made me happier and I constantly take an account of the things I am grateful for. I took into account that so many people are hurting besides me. When I think about all of my blessings in my life, I find it easier to navigate through this thing called life. There is a saying that we don’t have control over the cards we are dealt but we are obligated to play the heck out of the cards we are dealt. Life happens and we have to move forward. Being grateful helps me move forward and appreciate the good in my life. Check out more on gratitude here.
10. Heartbreak offers new beginnings.
I have heard many people say they hate starting over after a breakup. They don’t want to have to go through the process of starting over with someone new. They dread having to go through the “weeding out” process before they find ” the one”. That type of mentality is why so many people stay in bad relationships. They would rather deal with the familiarity of being with this person because they have been together for so long, invested their time, their emotions, feelings, finances, etc. into this relationship. I mean you worked hard to get where you are-even if the relationship is bad.
I too felt this way when I broke up with my ex. One of my first thoughts was that I am almost 40 years old. I am running out of time! I am supposed to be married, have children, do this, do that. Not true. Society has taught us to place time limits on EVERYTHING! We get so preoccupied with time that we don’t enjoy the moment at hand! I say this to say that starting over has nothing to do with time. Embrace where you are. There is nothing wrong with being 40 years old, unmarried, no kids and starting over. It is better to start over and do it right the next time around than to waste time in a bad relationship.
Starting over has given me a new sense of being and purpose. I was able to take much needed time to work on me and uproot a lot of “stuff” that was weighing me down and replace it with self-love, patience and compassion. I have a new identity. I am no longer that insecure person that felt that the world was against me so I always had to approach every situation with my guard up. I no longer take everything personally. These things are all self-discoveries that occurred all because I had to start over. Since starting over, I have a more solid foundation when it comes to how I foster new relationships in my life.
In conclusion: Love is awesome. I love LOVE! I love seeing couples in love. Thing is, you never know what that couple has gone or currently going through to be where they are. Being in love with someone is like being on a natural high. You can’t imagine your life without them. Then the moment comes, you actually have to live your life without them. What next? How do you move on? It is not easy and there are no simple answers as to how one moves on after heartbreak. It took me some time and a lot of back and forth with my ex before I finally got the courage to move on and work on myself.
Heartbreak is awful and it really sucks but I’m glad I went through it. It was the catalyst that sparked the fuse of self-love, self-awareness and just being a total bad@$$! 2017 has already started out being an awesome year for me and I am so excited for all that is to come.
I know this blog was extremely long but I had so much to say and I really want to help someone. Breakups are hard and it isn’t something that you get over in a week or a month. It takes time. No matter how long it takes always put yourself first. Apply the 10 steps in this blog and watch your life change!!
Until next time…
The Honest Aquarian
Follow me on IG @thehonestaquarian!
The Honest Aquarian 