Occasionally, I peacefully reflect on my past dating relationships. I reflect on them because I love reminding myself how far I have come as a person and the positive changes I have made over the past year and a half. I used the word “peacefully” because there was a time when reflecting on my past was painful. There were many unhealed wounds, and the very thought of those relationships created a whirlwind of negative thoughts that resulted in anger, disappointment, and wanting revenge. Each time I reflect on my past relationships, I gain new insight about those relationships or learn something new about myself. It is amazing what time does for us.
When I reflect on certain moments, and people from my past I remind myself that those disappointments were all apart of my journey and had they never happened, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I tell myself that the people who are no longer in my life are where they are supposed to be and I likewise. There is no need to wish them back into my life or for an ex to have a self-awakening experience, pick up the phone and tell me how much they still love me and miss me. I no longer needed their post-breakup validation to feel worthy or wanted. The validation I was seeking from my exes I found within myself.
Self-validation was the puzzle piece that I spent years trying to fit it where it didn’t belong. I tried to force it on others who appeared to be the right fit for this puzzle piece, but later I found out that the missing piece to the puzzle was me. It took isolation, rejection, and brokenness to complete this puzzle of self-validation. It all happened after the trash took itself out.
So what do I mean by trash? Trash can be abusive partners, disloyal friends, toxic family members, etc. I am not calling anyone trash; I am calling their toxic behaviors trash. PS: Sometimes we are the trash in our lives and need to take those toxic behaviors within ourselves to the trashcan and leave it outside for good. Let’s keep it real!
When I reflect on my past bad relationships that I endorsed over and over, and how the people I was in these relationships with would move on effortlessly to the next only to marry and start families with them, I used to take that as something was wrong with me. I used to internalize their actions as a reflection of me not being good enough. It was during my time of isolation that stirred up the motivation I needed to change. I was done making their sh!t about me. I had to take the trash out once and for all!
I told myself that the action or inaction of someone had ZERO to do with me. Exes moving on to someone new immediately after a breakup did not mean that I wasn’t worthy of love or that I didn’t deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. I had to remind myself of this A LOT! So often men and women tie their self-worth to the thoughtless and selfish actions of their exes because they feel like if their ex could move on so quickly, he or she never loved them or they start comparing themselves to the new person. What you MUST understand is that people do all kinds of things to minimize the blows of breakups when they are on the rebound. You can’t take any of that on as your issue or that is has anything to do with you. I had to break it down and remind myself that no man with any integrity, honesty or self-worth will start a new relationship immediately after leaving an old one, still maintain contact with his ex while in this “new” relationship, under the guise of being a self-proclaimed “good man.” Mark my words and please trust me when I tell you that it is not about you at all. Stop internalizing trash and allowing it to be the barometer of your self-worth.
Sidenote: I had to keep things in perspective and be honest with myself and realize that my unhealed wounds were manifesting in my relationships which played a role in how my relationships played out. I was attracting toxic people because I was toxic. Two toxic, unhealed individuals will NEVER have a great relationship with anybody for that matter! It wasn’t until I acknowledged this and accepted responsibility for my role in how things played out. I may not have lied or cheated on my partners, but I darn sure had my issues and was a major drama queen! We must take full responsibility for our actions in our relationships. Point. Blank. Period.
Whether the trash takes itself out or you take it out, understand that it is a blessing and you will notice that the trajectory of your life will immediately change for the better. You have to put in the work. There is no magic wand or special potion. Motivation, determination, prayer and the will to move past the hurt is the starter kit to moving forward. It is up to you to decide how you want to live your life after the trash takes itself out. Once the “trash” is gone, make a vow to yourself to NEVER go back. Imagine going back inside of a trash bag filled with everything you have thrown away and later rummaging through it to retrieve something in it. It’s disgusting, isn’t it? It isn’t worth the hassle, and you would be better off replacing what you lost with something better! See where this is going?
When the trash takes itself out, it is God’s way of paving the way for better things ahead. Initially, it may feel like you will never move past the hurt and pain, but eventually, with time, you will come to realize that the trash taking itself out was the best thing that could ever happen to you. Remember, that self-validation is the only validation!
XOXO
The Honest Aquarian
The Honest Aquarian 