5 Steps To Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

In my research, the same reoccurring question I come across is how to break free from narcissistic abuse. The first answer, you have to want to be free. The challenging part is actually breaking free. What most people don’t understand is that narcissistic relationships are especially hard to break from because of the trauma bond. A trauma bond is an unhealthy form of attachment created between the narcissist and their victim through repeated cycles of abuse or traumatic experiences. The victim internalizes this repeated pattern of abuse and learns to appease their abuser to receive the love they have always wanted. This is how narcissists gain the upper hand in their relationships. You won’t see this side of them until after the love-bombing/idealization phase, which is typically the first 3-6 months of the relationship.

As I tell people all of the time, breaking up with a narcissist is not a typical breakup. It is quite devastating and painful to detach from them and disassociate yourself from the damage they have caused. That is why so many victims of narcissistic abuse have a more difficult time separating from the narcissist. What’s worse is that social media has created a platform for narcissists to showcase their new ill-gotten relationship while also dangling a carrot over your head, trying to lure you back into their trap.

I created a list of five proven steps towards healing from a narcissistic breakup. I encourage you to implement these steps in your journey of recovery. These methods work with determination, motivation, accountability, and support.

#1 – No contact. To break free from the narcissist, you have to go entirely off the grid. Block them on all social media, your phone, and if you have mutual friends with the narcissist, tell them you do not want to hear from or about the narcissist. This will be challenging, but the more time that goes by, the better it will be. Stay busy and create a healthy support system and accountability partner(s) to help you on the tough days. Narcissists don’t like it when you ignore them or break up with them, so they will pursue you, hoping that you will give in and take them back so they can abuse you again. Please don’t fall for it! No matter how charming and kind they are, it’s a ploy to hurt you again.

If you have children with the narcissist, the grey rock method is helpful. The grey rock method is when the individual is non-responsive (like a rock) to the narcissist’s tactics. The individual is emotionally detached, and eventually, the narcissist becomes bored and uninterested. This method is not a guarantee that the narcissist won’t keep trying to lure you in with their tactics. Still, it can eliminate arguments, blame-shifting, and unnecessary back and forth between the individual and the narcissist. I will discuss the grey rock method in more detail on a future blog.

#2 – Stay off Social media.  Deactivate your social media accounts for the first few weeks of no contact (or as long as you deem necessary). This is helpful for a few reasons. For one, it is a much needed mental break to help you get back to yourself and concentrate on what really matters-your emotional and spiritual well-being. It also helps eliminate the urge to look and see what your ex is doing, and it creates another barrier to the ex trying to contact or hoover you during the most crucial time of your healing process.  In many cases where the narcissist breaks up with the victim, it can be especially important to deactivate your social media.

The worst thing you can do is watch the narcissist flaunt their new relationship on social media – no matter how fake it is! Narcissists are incapable of having genuine and loving relationships, so they fake it until it is time to move on to the next. You deserve better, and as someone else said, every time you look at the narcissist’s social media, it’s like sticking your head in a toilet! Let that sink in.

#3 – Seek therapy. Victims of narcissistic abuse endure a lot of psychological torture at the hands of the narcissist, so it is crucial to seek out a qualified mental health counselor to undo the emotional abuse. Many employers offer EAP programs for their employees to utilize mental health services for a limited amount of time. If you can’t afford to see a therapist on an ongoing basis, and your employer offers an EAP program, I strongly encourage you to take advantage of that. Most of my healing work was accomplished through therapy. It helped me learn a lot about myself and rebuild my life more healthily.

#4 – Journal.  Your journal will be your best friend during your healing process. Journaling is a great way to release stress, share your thoughts and feelings in a judgment-free space. Journaling is a mental brain dump where you can are free to heal and communicate your feelings. Perhaps there is something you want to get off of your chest to the narcissist (I highly recommend that you don’t address the narcissist face to face); you can write it down in your journal. I wrote everything down in my journal! When I look back on my journal and see my progress, I can’t help but be proud. When you write in your journal, be kind to yourself, be honest and transparent. It’s for YOU, nobody else. Own your feelings and allow yourself to feel.

#5 – Practice self-love.  It’s hard to allow someone to treat you poorly when you value and love yourself. In many cases, the narcissist fills a void in the victim’s life. Lack of love and acceptance from a parent, low self-esteem, self-worth are all factors in why people enter into relationships with a narcissist (unknowingly). The narcissist’s fake admiration, charm, and love bombing often trap the victim into their dangerous web of abuse. Self-love is the antithesis of narcissism. Individuals who have self-love have boundaries. They don’t allow others to disrespect or mistreat them no matter who they are. Here’s the kicker, even the strongest, most confident, self-actualized individual can fall victim to a narcissist. That is where I come in – I tell you what to look for, so you don’t have to learn the hard way as I did. I dated a covert narcissist who is, in my opinion, the most dangerous. They wear masks and pretend to be great, charming, loving people who deep down inside are dark and calculating individuals who seek to destroy their victims using manipulation, gaslighting, and dishonesty.

I wish there were a magic wand, or I could click my stiletto heels, and the pain and hurt from narcissistic abuse would disappear for good, but that wouldn’t do any of us good. Pain tends to teach us a lesson. It’s a reminder of what not to do the next time. While some pain is unavoidable, there’s the pain we can avoid by making better decisions and recalling past experiences associated with that pain. There’s no specific remedy for overcoming narcissistic abuse. However, I feel like this list will be an excellent start for you. I have been where you have been, and I know that this journey is far from easy, but I made it through, so can you.

If you have any questions about narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder, send them to me, and I will address some of your questions in my next blog! Please email me at thehonestaquarian@gmail.com.

Until next time,

xoxo,

The Honest Aquarian

The Legacy Behind the ‘Hussle’.

A few weeks ago, my cousin and I were having a random conversation about Nipsey Hussle.  I don’t recall how he became the topic of discussion.  We are both fans of his music so talking about Nipsey’s charismatic vibe, and laid back disposition was not uncommon.   Fast forward to Sunday evening, March 31st.  I am chilling with my girls while sipping on a glass of red Cabernet. I scrolled through my phone and saw “BREAKING NEWS” about the melee surrounding Nipsey.  My initial reaction was that he was going to pull through.   Minutes later, news reports stated that he had succumbed to his injuries.  My social media timeline was inundated with posts from celebrities and followers about Nipsey Hussle’s untimely demise. It was like a ubiquitous dark cloud had infiltrated the Internet, and we all felt it.

Nipsey Hussle was not only a musical artist, but he was a man who loved his community. He was a businessman.  He was a philanthropist.  His message of motivation and success permeates throughout his latest album “Victory Lap.”   His music left us with an undisguised message of Black entrepreneurship, hustler’s ambition, and personal growth.  In his song “Last Time I Checked” Nipsey says:

For every n*gga in the streets trying to feed the babies
The single mamas workin’ hard not to miss a payment
And dirty money get washed on royalty statements
Black owners in this game are powerful races
Young n*ggas in the set that’s doing it makeshift
Out the garage is how you end up in charge
It’s how you end up in penthouses, end up in cars, it’s how you
Start off a curb servin’, end up a boss
It’s how you win the whole thing and lift up a cigar
With sweat drippin’ down your face ’cause the mission was hard.”

 

So often we hear the words “The good die young.”   Time after time, we see young Black men like Nipsey at the very peak of success and finally getting their just due only to be gunned down in senseless acts of violence.  Nipsey’s impact on rap culture superseded mixtapes and album releases.  He was out in the streets, pounding the pavement and putting in work.  He hired former inmates to work at his Marathon Clothing Store because he knew the struggles that would befall former inmates post prison release- especially Black ones.  His impact on those around him shows because they all speak so highly of him.  He was more than a rapper.  He was a philanthropist,  a humanitarian, community-driven and a go-getter.

Nipsey left behind a legacy – a legacy that will stand the test of time.

Nipsey’s passing should be a lesson to all of us that we must do all we can while we can. Not only that but it’s never too late to be the change you want to see. Our past does not dictate our future. Nipsey has done more in his 33 years than some have done in a lifetime. This young man sparked a significant change in his community, and it won’t stop at his untimely demise. He left a legacy.  He is more than his past as a gang member turned rapper; he is a hometown hero to so many people.  He was highly respected as a musical artist, a businessman, a partner, a friend, a brother, son, and father.  My heart aches for his loved ones – especially his partner Lauren London and children.

My heart breaks for Lauren.  She lost the love of her life – the father of her child. I’m not saying they had the perfect relationship, but they seemed to have a genuine bond and were true soulmates.  When I watched the GQ video of Laura asking Nipsey 30 questions about her, it was quite endearing.  He answered every question with confidence and urbane Nipsey swag!  We are praying for Lauren.  That type of loss is unimaginable.

I may not have known Nipsey  Hussle personally, but after hearing about his philanthropy, his love for his community made me feel like I did. He never posted about his charitable efforts on social media for all to see. He didn’t have a camera nearby to document his philanthropic acts.   He was humble and did what he was called to do – serve his community.  He is a prime example that although we may be products of our environment, we all have what it take to rise above and do better.  He took what he had and made it 10x better.  He could have stopped once he made it as a rapper and just enjoyed the good life.  Instead, he took what he had, multiplied it and started businesses.  He encouraged Black people to “buy the block.”  As I watched some of his interviews, I could feel his confidence,  authenticity, and humility but I could also see his fearlessness.  Amid his lightweight physique, he had the heart of a lion.

While Nipsey’s sudden passing is a shock to the world, let his legacy spark the fire of motivation within you to change the world!  Nipsey’s legacy is a reminder once again that not all heroes wear capes!

RIP Nipsey.

The marathon continues…

Your Vibe Attracts Your Tribe. Why I Had to Walk Away From a Toxic Friendship.

In my moments of self-awareness, I think about the various relationships I have fostered throughout the years and the person I was while in those relationships. I spent a lot of time angry at the people I felt didn’t appreciate my friendship or my worth as a partner, but in reality, the only person I should be upset with is myself because I allowed it. I don’t beat myself up anymore. I recognize my role in those relationships with the understanding that I was not my best self and that a lot of unhealed trauma was manifesting in those relationships.

One thing about me is that I am a fun person to be around, I am comical which is always a plus, supportive, loyal, and you can trust me with your deepest and darkest secrets. I listen well and offer pretty d@mn good advice. What I didn’t know then is that those same qualities attracted certain people in my life. I always drew people who needed help – like therapist help. It is one thing to be a friend who gives advice, but these friends required professional help. I was a proxy so they would dump all of their problems on me and then I felt it was my duty (as a friend) to solve their problems.

Meanwhile, in some of these friendships, whenever I wanted to talk to them about my trials and tribulations, I was met with a brick wall, one-word responses, lack of interest or subject change. It was very frustrating, and I harbored a lot of resentment as a result. That resentment led to distance and then BOOM, I go off, and we are no longer friends. Looking back that was not the appropriate response. It wasn’t their fault. It was my fault. I allowed them to dump their problems on me with no requirement of them as a friend to reciprocate. I failed to have open and honest conversations and continued to partake in these one-sided partnerships. I let these individuals treat me as a one-stop-shop for friendships, and it showed me how I honestly felt about myself.

2018 was the year that I was no longer going to be that same person. I was going through some tough times and those tough times were transforming me into the new and improved person that I needed to be. I was continuously doing the work, loving on myself and no longer tolerating half – @$$ friendships or relationships. I spent too much time giving friends and romantic partners the best of me, while I received the least from them. There was a young lady (let’s call her “Addy”), that I had met a couple of years ago and we clicked at a mutual friends party. Initially, Addy was a lot of fun and overall what I deemed to be a cool person to be around and share good times. But over time I began to notice red flags. I quickly recognized that I was her problem solver and she was using me as a self-esteem booster and “therapist.”

Whenever we went out, I noticed she was so EXTRA and always needed to be the center of attention. STRIKE ONE!! I do NOT relate to attention-seeking women in any way, shape or form. I was starting to dislike her behavior and her character, but I brushed it off as something small. Well, it became so much bigger!! Addy took things to the next level by having one of her friends join us for a happy hour meet up. She didn’t ask me if I was fine with her friend joining us.   She told me about this friend as the friend is pulling up to the restaurant.  STRIKE TWO!! This was a clear indication that she did NOT respect me.

I brushed it off because I was at a phase in my life where I didn’t want to let something like that ruin my night, and I was trying to elevate above nonsense.  However, I peeped what she was doing low key.  Her lack of character was shining through at this point.  It wasn’t until later that I found out that her friend was currently dating one of my exes.  I knew this friend was dating someone I had dated years prior because his name came up in a conversation and she told me about her friend dating him a few months before so I knew she had a friend who was dating him; however, I didn’t know this person’s name or who she was.  I totally brushed it off because I didn’t care. I felt like she was playing me for a fool after finding out what her true reason for inviting her friend.

After meeting this friend, I knew Addy was being MESSY AF by having her friend and me in the same space.  It was at that moment, I felt setup, and her actions showed me that she was NOT my friend or the type of woman that belongs in my tribe.   I didn’t make an issue of it because this was an ex from YEARS ago and I had zero feelings for him and could care less who he was dating – my feelings about her actions were based solely on principle.

Honestly, I actually liked his new girlfriend. She was cool, down to earth and I most likely would have hung out with her again.

It wasn’t until I ended that friendship where all of Addy’s actions clicked and made sense as to who she is at her core. I replayed all of the scenarios that occurred that led to the demise of the friendship and there was a STRIKE THREE, but I will spare you the details. Strikes one and two were enough!

When I look back at that friendship, I realized that I was once again, showing up as a friend to someone who was incapable of doing the same for me. Was I perfect? NO! I own the fact that I didn’t set boundaries in my friendships, I was too accessible, and I should have had discussions with this person and let them know how their actions were affecting me. Instead, I allowed it to slide as it continued to happen over and over again. Addy was having some personal issues, but I couldn’t allow her issues to impact my life to the point where I was accepting being disrespected and disregarded for the sake of being a good friend.

I learned a valuable lesson about myself. I learned that I control the outcomes of my friendships and I don’t have to support the betterment of others at my expense. I can walk away guilt-free, and that is what I did.  I walked away.  No drama, no nasty exchange of words.  I cut that chick off!!

Photo cred: Blacksportsonline.com

I wanted to punch Addy in her face once she crossed me for the last time and a less reserved woman may have done so, but I knew that my absence would hit harder than my punch. 

There’s so much peace in walking away from situations that don’t serve you.  You don’t have to feel bad about doing what is best for you and your well-being. What I have learned is that some people don’t have the tools to be good friends. They haven’t done their work. The same way I had to do the work and deal with my unhealed trauma, Addy had not done the same.  Addy doesn’t know how to be a good friend, and I mean that in all sincerity – not as a dig.  She has unhealed trauma as well, and when I consider that, I can extend some grace to her knowing that everybody hasn’t done their work, so they don’t have the life tools to be and do better.  However, I couldn’t continue being her emotional punching bag and support system while her actions and behaviors weighed negatively on me.  I had to set myself free for the shackles of feeling indebted to helping others at my expense.

Surround yourself people who push you to do better, support your goals, listen to you, motivate you and most importantly, reciprocate.  These are your people, your TRIBE!

In closing, I say all of this to say, walk away from things that don’t serve you. We waste so much time on people who don’t deserve us and share space with us. I’m not better than anybody, but I darn sure not the lesser, and I will NOT go through life treated as less than when I know my worth!! You will still attract those who want to leech off of your kindness, loyalty, all of the things that make you a great person, but it is up to you to decide if they belong in your circle.

What do you need to walk away from so you can be free? Share your thoughts.

Until next time,

XOXO
The Honest Aquarian

Why Does the Narcissist Always Get What They Want? The Myth Behind the Magic.

The narcissist always gets what they want.  They move on effortlessly to their next target, and suddenly they have the life they would never give to your – dream wedding, children, dream job, etc.  Meanwhile, you are picking up the pieces of the disaster of a relationship they ran away from with true cowardice.  STOP!! That kind of thinking is why we continuously remain in the vicious cycle of narcissistic abuse.  We hold on to the belief that they get what they want and we don’t.

What you need to understand is that narcissists are relationship predators.  They are fraudulent, and their intentions are not pure.  Narcissists gravitate to good people to break them down while making themselves feel empowered and in control. They must be in control of the relationship at all times. They are incredibly insecure which is why they expect their partners to coddle every one of their insecurities while they exploit their partner’s vulnerabilities without hesitation. From the outside, the narcissist puts up a pretty good front. They look like the model son, brother, father, husband, colleague. Narcissists are pretty darn good at what they do – up to a certain extent.

So why does the narcissist always get what they want? Why is it that the life they never gave to you, they freely give to someone else effortlessly?  That is easy to explain.  The narcissist isn’t treating the new person “better” per se . They are adjusting their script. They are mirroring the new person and like I mentioned in previous blogs, narcissists are chameleons.  They can switch things up depending on their environment. Narcissists are very charming, and they know how to make themselves look good in any circumstance but that doesn’t mean that they look good.   The narcissist will intentionally do things for their new partner that they wouldn’t do for you to make you feel badly.    This is why it is important you don’t look at their social media accounts!!  Ignorance is bliss!! We somehow convince ourselves that they are living a fabulous life without us. Here’s the thing a narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist! It doesn’t matter who they are with. They do enough to trap you into their web and then they change on you.  How is that treating someone better?

PS – The same way the narcissist wouldn’t do certain things for you, they won’t  do for their new partner.  So don’t focus and compare what the narcissist didn’t do for you and what they did for their new partner.  It is all a mind game.  Narcissists live their lives manipulating people and situations so no matter how much you try to make sense of their actions, it will NEVER make sense. 

Photo Cred: Thoughtcatalog.com

For empaths, it may seem like we don’t get what we want because we are always giving. We give in all of our relationships, and we want to help everybody. We are healers. Because of that, we attract people who need healing. This puts us into the danger zone of relationships, and unfortunately, this great attribute that we possess is exploited by people with bad intentions. This is why it may seem like we don’t get what want.  We are so busy giving to others that we rarely give to ourselves. I had to learn through my journey over the past couple of years, that in order to get what I want, I had to put myself first. Not in a selfish way, but I had to eliminate toxic people out of my life who were using my kindness for weakness.

Now, I can say I have what I want and that is peace! I have so much peace knowing that I am surrounded by the people who deserve to be in my space.  I NOW know that my presence is a gift and will only be shared with those who matter to me and treat me with love, kindness and respect.  That doesn’t mean emotional vampires  won’t come my way (because they have), it simply means I know how to follow my instincts when I see red flags and protect my peace.  I used to keep people around out of loyalty and take the good with the bad.  I am an Aquarius we are loyal to a fault!

Just because the narcissist gets what he or she wants, doesn’t mean they are winning. They have manipulated, love bombed and connived their way to get what they want. This is easy to do when you don’t feel remorse for hurting others and you convince yourself that what you are doing isn’t wrong. The narcissist wants you to believe they are winning.  The narcissist wants  you to think that you didn’t deserve their best but their new partner does.  Please do not give in to that type of negative self-talk.  DENOUNCE IT NOW!!!

Photo Cred: Audioage.com

I have learned that some people are more compatible in relationships than others which is why some relationships work out, and others don’t.  However, when it comes to the narcissist, that is not the case.  Nearly all of their relationships are disastrous.  Keep in mind that just because they are in a relationship, it doesn’t mean it is a healthy one.  It doesn’t necessarily mean their partners are happy.  Social media posts of pictures documenting their “soulmate” love and adoration for one another,  doesn’t mean that the grass is greener and they are a happy couple.  Narcissists are great pretenders and they know they are living a pretentious life and they are hoping nobody especially their partners figures them out so even if they are “happy” it isn’t true happiness.  Their relationship was built on the foundation of deceit, manipulation and lies.

The narcissist is the magician and their new life is the magic show.  Your life with them was a magic show to the person before you.   I remember being a kid and watching magicians  on television and in real-life at school carnivals perform a magic tricks.   I was amazed and excited as each magic trick was successfully pulled off without a hitch!  As far as I was concerned that had special powers and it was real.   It wasn’t until I was a little older when I realized that the magic shows I thought were real, were fake and the magician was someone mastered the art of illusion or read Magic Tricks for Dummies (Lol).  The narcissist has mastered the art of illusion and pulls off magic tricks throughout the entire relationship until you finally catch on.  The narcissist was the magician, and I was the kid at the magic show, amazed and excited by the narcissist’s magic tricks.

It took me some time to dismantle the belief that the person I was in love with was a narcissist and I was a pawn in his magic show.  He was skillful and crafty.  He was a master manipulator and intentional with everything he did. Don’t let the narcissist tell you that they didn’t mean to hurt you. They mean it and they love seeing your reaction every time they hurt you. “Why would someone do that?” you ask. They do it because they have convinced themselves that you did something wrong to them and you deserve their harsh punishment, maltreatment and verbal abuse. This is why they can sleep at night while you are awake in emotional pain and hurt by their actions. They play magic tricks on themselves too! They are delusional and unable to function with logic.

Once you realize that the narcissist is a magician and your time with them was merely a front row seat to the narcissist Siegfried and Roy-esque magic show, you will understand that it wasn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve that kind of treatment from someone who claimed to love you. Yes, it will hurt to know that the person you thought loved and cared about you only “loved” you because of what you could give to them and worked hard for their love while they reciprocated nothing; but you will heal and move forward with your life once you understand the narcissist mind and how they treat people. It has ZERO to do with you and your value. It is all about the narcissist, and how broken they are and the maladaptive behaviors hidden beneath their surface. They can adapt to their environments long enough to fool those around them, but behind the scenes, they show their maladaptive behaviors in full force.

When you make peace with your past and fully understand what happened during your time with the narcissist, make a vow to yourself to never participate in another “magic show” again.

I hope this helps!
Email me or comment below! I would love to hear from you! Until next time,
xoxo
The Honest Aquarian

Friends – How Many of Us Have Them? A Conversation About Toxic Friendships & the Lost Sisterhood.

Okay so I must be honest, I love reality television. It is my guilty pleasure. One of my favorite reality television shows is Basketball Wives. OMG! I watch for entertainment purposes only, but I do realize that the constant display of destructive behaviors is not mentally healthy – even if it is for entertainment purposes (I own this!). After last week’s episode, I felt triggered. I will spare the details on the history of Basketball Wives and the destructive behaviors and friendships portrayed on this show.  That is not why I am here. I am here to discuss the lost Sisterhood and toxic friendships.

I vividly recall an argument I had with a life-long friend.  At that point in my life, I was passive-aggressive and extremely uncomfortable having serious conversations with my friends because – I truly valued my friendships, and I felt that confronting issues would change our friendship and I feared change. But, what I feared was being alone so I tolerated half @$$ friendships because it gave me some sense of validation in being able to say other people liked me besides my family.

Back to Basketball Wives. A couple of episodes ago, Tami told Shaunie about a rumor that she was privy to about a year or so ago. The word on the streets was that Evelyn slept with Shaunie’s ex. Now the jury is still out on which ex. Some say “the ex” is Shaquille O’Neal or fine @$$ Marlon (he portrayed D.O.C. in the hit movie Straight Outta Compton).  In last week’s episode and Twitter research, it appears that Shaq is the ex in question.  Either way, it was awkward to see it all play out. VERY AWKWARD!! Long story short, the rumor wasn’t true and it made up solely because two women who were in a 20 year friendship stopped speaking and one of them took the vengeful route to get back at the other.   I use this example as a preface for my thoughts on the lost Sisterhood.

Last week’s episode brought me back to the many incidents with so-called friends who would do and say things that did not reflect what I felt was a genuine and loyal friendship.  It was more about one-sided competition and jealousy.   I’m not saying all women behave in this manner because they don’t.   I hate making gender-based generalizations, but far too often this is the result of relationships among women…the Sisterhood.  I admire women who have lifelong friendships that withstood the test of time.  Their girlfriends are their bridesmaids at their weddings, Godmothers to their children, give without expectations,  and embody the true essence of Sisterhood.  As I reflect, I realize that my views and behaviors in my friendships were nothing short of martyrdom.

I didn’t understand why I was the one who was left disappointed or rationalizing poor behaviors from the people I thought had my best interest at heart. It wasn’t until years later that I realized that everyone you call a friend is NOT your friend.  Just like romantic relationships, individuals enter friendships with baggage.  That baggage shows up in some way, shape or form. I wanted to fix everything and felt responsible for the happiness of those who I was in a friendship with, but I always ended up frustrated and mad. Why did I give more than I received? I would NEVER try to flirt with my friend’s significant other or try to push up on a guy I knew that my friend showed interest.  It just wasn’t in me! My integrity wouldn’t allow me to do that to my friend-my sister. However, I couldn’t say the same.

What happened to the sisterhood? Why are we so quick to cut our sisters off when they wrong us?  Why do we talk about each other to the next friend, instead of having open and honest conversations with each other?  For the sake of argument, I am using the term “we.” I know this doesn’t apply to all women.   Reality TV shows are not a good example of sisterhood. Although most of it is for entertainment purposes, look at the footage that these individuals display on these shows – it is typically cattiness, messy situations, and DRAMA!  The powers that be on these reality tv shows know that is what their audience gravitates to and want to see.  We bare witness to the dynamics of tight friendships dismantled before our eyes.  It’s unsettling to say the least.

I recall a situation with a former friend.  We were building a friendship. When I met this individual, I thought she was a lot of fun and easy-going.  Over a years time we hung out, and DM’d each other every day.  However, something inside was telling me that this friendship was not a good fit for me.  As time went on, I noticed some toxic behaviors on this person’s end.  I was in a different place in my life so I had to walk away from that friendship.  This person had a lot of drama going on in her life, and I was there for her.  I was listening to her problems day in and day out, but when it came to me talking about myself, it was crickets, and suddenly, she had to log off.  I was tired of it, and I had to see the situation for what it was.  I set healthy boundaries for myself, I could no longer entertain one-sided friendships.   I felt that I was merely a sounding board for this person because I listened to her, gave her advice, but she didn’t have to give anything in return.  I was a prop for her self-esteem and validation.  It was clear to me that she was in heavy competition with me.   It was that type of behavior that I had to remove myself from and surround myself with people who I felt valued me for who I was, not for what I had to offer them.   Self-love had kicked into high gear at this point.  I was done entertaining unfulfilling friendships and I decided to do something about it.  There are some sisters that we have to love from a distance.  Their destructive/toxic behaviors are a disruption to your peace, and quite frankly, my peace is more important than anything!

In conclusion, uncomfortable conversations are necessary for the Sisterhood.  We must be okay with being vulnerable and willing to see ourselves first and the role we play in our friendships.  Uncomfortable conversations are necessary for growth!  I had to have several of these conversations last year.  Those conversations helped me grow tremendously.  Once we own our stuff, we see situations for what they are and not what we want them to be.  Nobody is perfect, but true friendship is accepting someone for who they are without trying to change them into being who we feel they should be. It’s okay to walk away from friendships that no longer serve you. What I mean by that is, as we grow and mature, we see life differently.   Sometimes people grow apart and sometimes it is merely a conflict in values that breaks up the friendship.

Once I was aware of my toxic behaviors, I understood why I attracted the people in my life that were toxic too.  I may not have flirted with any of their boyfriends, but I would say some pretty harsh things when I was mad, or wouldn’t speak up about issues that concerned me.  As a Sisterhood, we must be responsible for our behaviors as well as speaking up when problems arise.  We MUST hold each other accountable while also showing love and compassion when our sister is not at her best.  Sisterhood is complimenting your sister who is doing a good job, supporting her business, co-signing her dreams, and speaking truth to every situation with full transparency.  The Sisterhood doesn’t mean we will always get along and in some cases, you may have to love your sister from a distance, but at the end of the day, you integrity remains intact and you don’t tell your sister’s deepest and darkest secrets when you are mad at her. The Sisterhood can be saved, and there is a shift (a good one) happening within the Sisterhood, but we still have work to do.

Let me know what you think! Feel free to post your comments on this topic.  I would love to hear from you!

Until next time,
The Honest Aquarian
XOXO

Living My Life Like It’s Golden: 8 Ways to Live Your Best Life!

Last week I was in paradise! I was vacationing in Aruba, and it was nothing short of amazing! I had the opportunity to share this moment with a group of great people – my family, and I couldn’t have asked for a better group of individuals to travel with.  As we know, a family that travels together doesn’t always stay together. LOL!  I digress.

Aruba reminded me of how blessed I was to be able to experience such a beautiful island, soak up some sun (I got sunburned in the process, but it was worth it) and sit on the ocean shore having girl talk with the Wine-ohs.  Life is good I thought to myself.  Here I am in my 40s and finally living my best life.  Living your best life is not the same for everyone.  For me, it is living my life unapologetically, being genuinely happy, spiritually connected with God and at peace with myself and doing what I love.  As I mentioned earlier, it took me until I was 40 to start living my best life.  Let’s cut to the chase!  Here are 8 ways to live your best life!

1. Be grateful.  I have learned to be thankful despite what may be happening around me. For example, on my way back home from Aruba, I was stranded at the airport in Miami and what was supposed to be a same-day flight back home from Aruba turned into a 2-day journey.  I will spare the details but know it was NOT pretty. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack and felt so helpless. The staff at American Airlines were not helpful, and I didn’t like the feeling of not having control of what was happening to me. I had to stop myself from inner-panic and be grateful. It was hard, but my cousin and I kept reminding each other that there was nothing we could do and this situation was entirely out of our hands. I kept telling myself to find opportunities to be grateful despite the circumstance. Being grateful helped me to remain calm, and it definitely taught me how to be patient.

2. Let go of the past. For me to live my best life, I had to let go of the past.  I had to let go of the people who hurt me as well as forgiving myself for hurting others.  I had to reconcile my past. That meant facing some uncomfortable moments in my childhood, young adulthood, and adulthood. Letting go of my past was something that I had to do to move forward and be happy. Letting go of past intimate relationships where I felt wronged or betrayed was a major key to happiness for me.  Those relationships no longer served me, and they ended for a reason so there was no reason to hold on to any hurt or ill will towards anyone.  There were some friendships  I had to let go of but the events that took place in those friendships would replay in my mind.  I had to release those people and wish them well from afar. I had to let go and move on.

3. Never minimize yourself to make others comfortable. One of the greatest lessons I had to learn was to stop reducing myself to make others feel comfortable. I used to downplay my intelligence and abilities in all of my relationships.  I used to shrink myself to make my partners feel better about themselves – being careful not to talk about my accomplishments too much because I didn’t want to be a threat to their masculinity.  In my friendships, I would downplay my skills and talents because I didn’t want to come off arrogant or better than the next person.  This mindset was also evident in my work relationships.  I dare not talk about my degrees because I didn’t want my colleagues to take it the wrong way or ostracize me more than they already had!  I finally realized that I am NOT responsible for how others feel.  I am very proud of my accomplishments and I should NEVER feel like I need to shrink myself to make others feel big.

4. Your presence is a gift. I am stingy when it comes to who I engage and spend time with now.  I used to give myself freely to people who did not appreciate or take advantage of me and my time.  I was left feeling drained and empty.   As a result, I was upset and resentful.  By nature, I am a giving person, and I love to help people, but as I have grown, I learned that I am not obligated to help everyone.  I am allowed to be stingy with my time, and as a practice of self-care, I don’t give my time or advice to everybody just because they require it of me.

5. Stop apologizing for how you feel. PERIOD. There is nothing worse than someone who undermines another person’s feelings just because they don’t feel the same way.  You are entitled to feel how you feel despite the fact others may not feel the same way.  I used to downplay the feelings and emotions of other people because I didn’t feel the same way.  I felt threatened and that if someone felt differently than me, then something was wrong with me.   I no longer apologize for how I feel and I accept the fact that despite the fact that someone may feel differently than me, doesn’t mean their feelings are not valid. Now, I articulate my feelings with maturity and with the understanding that I am responsible for my feelings – nobody else.

6. Self-care is non-negotiable.  It is perfectly fine to say no to requests from people to show up to an event, fulfill a favor,  etc.  Self care means taking a day off from a busy schedule to focus on your body and knowing when it needs rest.  I own my own business, work a full-time job,  pursuing my doctorate full-time, blog and co-host two podcasts.  I used to feel bad about being idle at home and taking time out for rest and relaxation.  I felt like I was being a slacker.  WRONG!  We live in a society that has pushed the narrative that we have to work ourselves to a pulp in order to feel accomplished.  That is not true.  I have a rule for myself when it comes to my business.  I don’t work past 8pm.  I refuse to be #teamnosleep and running on empty to validate my entrepreneurial grind.  When I feel overwhelmed with school or anything that requires  a lot of my attention, I close shop, go to bed and start over in the morning!  That may not work for everyone, but it works for me.   Only you know what works best for you.

PS – I have also learned the value of time management and how to avoid getting myself into overwhelming situations due to procrastination. By practicing self-care, I prioritize and organize my day as much as I can (baby steps) which helps eliminate the need to over exert myself trying to do EVERYTHING!

7. Never make assumptions. The book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz discusses the power of not making assumptions.  I swear this book changed my life! Whenever I find myself making assumptions about people and situations, I stop myself and unpack the assumption. What do I know to be correct about the assumption? If I can’t find any factual information about the assumption, I drop it and leave it alone.  It is so easy to make assumptions about a person or situation (especially with social media), and yet be the farthest from the truth!  Here you are creating a story about someone or a situation, possibly driving yourself crazy over something you don’t even know to be true! Your time and energy should be better spent on other things that bring value to your life. Trust me!

8. Be kind. I have said this before in previous blogs. Kindness goes a long way, and it took maturity and going through some rough patches to understand the power of compassion. We are living in crazy times, and unfortunately, the leader of the free world is using his platform to spew hate speech and treat other humans who don’t look like him as if they are less than human. Social media exacerbates this negativity to no end.  Kindness is needed right now, and I have learned that I don’t have to reduce myself to being callous and mistreating others just because others choose to live their lives in that manner.

There are many ways to live your best life.  This life was given to you for you to live.  Live it to the fullest!!

Until next time,
XOXO – The Honest Aquarian

When the Trash Takes Itself Out: Don’t Take It Personally!

Occasionally, I peacefully reflect on my past dating relationships. I reflect on them because I love reminding myself how far I have come as a person and the positive changes I have made over the past year and a half.   I used the word “peacefully” because there was a time when reflecting on my past was painful.  There were many unhealed wounds, and the very thought of those relationships created a whirlwind of negative thoughts that resulted in anger, disappointment, and wanting revenge. Each time I reflect on my past relationships, I gain new insight about those relationships or learn something new about myself. It is amazing what time does for us.

When I reflect on certain moments, and people from my past I remind myself that those disappointments were all apart of my journey and had they never happened, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I tell myself that the people who are no longer in my life are where they are supposed to be and I likewise. There is no need to wish them back into my life or for an ex to have a self-awakening experience, pick up the phone and tell me how much they still love me and miss me. I no longer needed their post-breakup validation to feel worthy or wanted. The validation I was seeking from my exes I found within myself.

Self-validation was the puzzle piece that I spent years trying to fit it where it didn’t belong. I tried to force it on others who appeared to be the right fit for this puzzle piece, but later I found out that the missing piece to the puzzle was me. It took isolation, rejection, and brokenness to complete this puzzle of self-validation. It all happened after the trash took itself out.

So what do I mean by trash? Trash can be abusive partners, disloyal friends, toxic family members, etc. I am not calling anyone trash; I am calling their toxic behaviors trash. PS: Sometimes we are the trash in our lives and need to take those toxic behaviors within ourselves to the trashcan and leave it outside for good. Let’s keep it real!

When I reflect on my past bad relationships that I endorsed over and over, and how the people I was in these relationships with would move on effortlessly to the next only to marry and start families with them, I used to take that as something was wrong with me. I used to internalize their actions as a reflection of me not being good enough. It was during my time of isolation that stirred up the motivation I needed to change. I was done making their sh!t about me. I had to take the trash out once and for all!

I told myself that the action or inaction of someone had ZERO to do with me. Exes moving on to someone new immediately after a breakup did not mean that I wasn’t worthy of love or  that I didn’t deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.  I had to remind myself of this A LOT!  So often men and women tie their self-worth to the thoughtless and selfish actions of their exes because they feel like if their ex could move on so quickly, he or she never loved them or they start comparing themselves to the new person. What you MUST understand is that people do all kinds of things to minimize the blows of breakups when they are on the rebound. You can’t take any of that on as your issue or that is has anything to do with you. I had to break it down and remind myself that no man with any integrity, honesty or self-worth will start a new relationship immediately after leaving an old one, still maintain contact with his ex while in this “new” relationship, under the guise of being a self-proclaimed “good man.” Mark my words and please trust me when I tell you that it is not about you at all. Stop internalizing trash and allowing it to be the barometer of  your self-worth.

Sidenote: I had to keep things in perspective and be honest with myself and realize that my unhealed wounds were manifesting in my relationships which played a role in how my relationships played out.  I was attracting toxic people because I was toxic. Two toxic, unhealed individuals will NEVER have a great relationship with anybody for that matter! It wasn’t until I acknowledged this and accepted responsibility for my role in how things played out. I may not have lied or cheated on my partners, but I darn sure had my issues and was a major drama queen! We must take full responsibility for our actions in our relationships. Point. Blank. Period.

Whether the trash takes itself out or you take it out, understand that it is a blessing and you will notice that the trajectory of your life will immediately change for the better. You have to put in the work. There is no magic wand or special potion. Motivation, determination, prayer and the will to move past the hurt is the starter kit to moving forward. It is up to you to decide how you want to live your life after the trash takes itself out. Once the “trash” is gone, make a vow to yourself to NEVER go back. Imagine going back inside of a trash bag filled with everything you have thrown away and later rummaging  through it to retrieve something in it. It’s disgusting, isn’t it? It isn’t worth the hassle, and you would be better off replacing what you lost with something better! See where this is going?

When the trash takes itself out, it is God’s way of paving the way for better things ahead. Initially, it may feel like you will never move past the hurt and pain, but eventually, with time, you will come to realize that the trash taking itself out was the best thing that could ever happen to you.  Remember, that self-validation is the only validation!

XOXO

The Honest Aquarian

 

 

 

5 Important Reasons You Should Thank the Narcissist For Leaving #boybye

I was on Facebook the other day and saw an article by a well-known blogger XO Necole.  While perusing her content, I saw a blog post that caught my eye.  The blog was titled ‘To His Mistress, Thank You for Saving Me from My Marriage’.  I said to myself “Hmm…This should be quite interesting.”  It was.  In a nutshell, the writer discusses how her ex-husband’s mistress saved her from her toxic marriage.   As I was reading,  the light bulb went off in my head!

I spent most if not all of 2017 writing about my experience with the end of a long-term relationship and my ex-moving on with someone “new”.  I told myself at the end of 2017 that I would stop making him and his new life the center point of my work.  He isn’t worth it and I have moved on.  So there is no point in rehashing that relationship.  Writing about my last relationship was therapeutic, to say the least, but I knew it was time to move on.  However, I know that there are women (and men) who read my blogs and share with me privately how much my blogs have helped them so although I choose not to directly focus on my last relationship; I will continue to write about these things because I know it gives others hope that they can move on.  There is a difference between remaining stuck in the past and using your past to help others move forward.

After reading the blog, I realized that sometimes when infidelity occurs in relationships, the “other woman” is the enemy, the competition, home wrecker, among other things.  Yes, initially I was upset because I felt like she took something from me that was mine.  I said to myself ” How dare she take him and then flaunt him around effortlessly!”  Three years of sacrifices, time and empty promises were gone and never to be brought to fruition.

So why am I here?  I am here to have a discussion with you.  See the new person is not the one with the prize.  She didn’t win – You won!  You are free from the pain and toxic behaviors of the person who claimed to love you.  When it comes to the narcissist, you have won the gold medal of breakups and here’s why:

When the narcissist leaves they take their pain, manipulation and other toxic behaviors with them.

  When the narcissist moves on after discarding you, he quickly moves on to a new relationship that he has most likely been fostering before the end of your relationship.  He may tell you they just met her but narcissists are liars so don’t believe the hype.  When narcissists enter into a “new” relationship it is love at first sight.   Everything is blissful.  But as time moves forward, she will start to notice little red flags.  She will most likely disregard them because she is so in love and his Knight in Shining Armor facade has swept her off of her feet so his “dark side” is just him having a “bad day” or she will feel like it was her fault he is behaving poorly.  Those bad days become more common and by this time, it’s too late.  She is sucked in and utterly confused.  How can someone who was once so awesome turn into this ugly monster?  Daily conversations that used to be filled with I Love You’s, compliments and plans for nights out on the town will turn into accusations of infidelity, feeling unappreciated, devaluing, blame-shifting and silent treatment. I don’t miss ANY of that!

The new person will be triangulated. 

FACT!!! If you read my blog a couple months ago about narcissism, I mention triangulation.  This is a tactic narcissist use to create jealousy and insecurity within the new girlfriend.   The narcissist is still communicating in some shape or form with their ex  while telling the new girlfriend how crazy the ex girlfriend is and how she won’t leave them alone.  Narcissists love drama and attention and just like that you are in a dramatic SZA  My-Man- is-My-Man- is-Your-Man-I-Just-Got-Him-For-The-Weekend “threesome” that neither one of you signed up for.

The narcissist will intentionally tell the new girlfriend negative things about the ex so she will feel the need to compete and outdo the former in the areas where she “failed” him.  Meanwhile, the narcissist is busy keeping the ex-girlfriend in the queue just in case he needs to come back for supply. The narcissist does not always triangulate the new person with the ex-girlfriend (most of the time they do).  Sometimes it is a coworker, a family member, social media whores models. You name it. Narcissists are relentless when it comes to triangulation because they NEED constant attention.   Stirring up jealousy within the new girlfriend and keep the ex around is exactly how they get it!

The new person will NEVER be happy once the narcissist mask permanently falls off. 

The narcissist can only keep up their act for so long before they completely dismantle the “good guy” act.  Trust me.  The gaslighting, blame-shifting, lack of empathy and manipulation will be a daily occurrence.  God forbid you marry or have a child with the narcissist!  It will be worse!  The new partner who marries or bears the narcissist’s offspring is subjected to a life of misery.  Babies are a blessing but they are even more of a blessing when you can co-parent with someone who is sane!   Sidenote: Children are a badge of honor for the narcissist.  They care about what the outside world thinks about them so having children/the ability to impregnate a woman is their way of showing us they are “special”, gain attention and most importantly that their swimmers can make it to the finish line.   <<Insert petty clap>>    The same applies to marriage.  It is all a farce. Don’t be envious of any of the narcissist’s special life events with their new partner.  You can see around the corner and you know what his new partner is getting.  It won’t be pretty.  Special life events that are typically happy and exciting are nothing more than a means of exerting more control over you when you are with a narcissist.

PS:  Trust me when I tell you that a relationship built off of deception and lies never ends well.  This is why you can’t envy the new girlfriend.   Her relationship with the narcissist is no different than yours.  She is YOU!

Trust me when I tell you, the new girlfriend isn’t winning.  It is the only a matter of time she will be you. Do you celebrate her pain? No.  You move on with your life and focus on what truly matters – YOU!  All too often we worry about the narcissist treating the new supply better than they did us.  Initially, yes they do treat her better.  The things he would NEVER do for you, he suddenly does for her.   I had to let go of that fallacy and understand that no matter how well he treats his new girlfriend, the fact still remains that he didn’t treat ME well and that is what matters.  Stop comparing your life to the new girlfriend’s life.  It’s like having your freedom but worried about a prisoner living a better life than you.  Does that make any sense?

The narcissist will disappear if the new person provides the attention and supply that they crave.

I noticed that victims of narcissist abuse often seek closure from the narcissist. They want to know why the narcissist left them with no answers.  They want to know if the narcissist will come back,  if the narcissist really loved them, etc.   Listen, Linda! None of that matters.  Yes, the narcissist may stalk or hoover you to get your attention to suck you back into their web of crazy but don’t let that be a validation point for you.  It’s not.  It’s an ego booster for the narcissist and nothing more.  The narcissist wants to see how you are doing and to see if you are still vulnerable and can be used for future supply.  So if the narcissist comes back via text, email or social media, I have warned you.  It is all so they can abuse you again.  If the narcissist is not in your digital space, thank God almighty!  That means more than likely the new supply is occupying their time and they no longer need you.   Don’t feel bad about this because the narcissist doesn’t come back because they love you.  They come back because they want supply from you.  We have to dismantle the notion that narcissists truly loved and cared about us the way normal people love and care about someone.   They don’t.  Their love is unhealthy and toxic.

Karma eventually finds the narcissist. 

I am sure you have heard “Karma doesn’t have an expiration date.”  or “What goes around comes around.” I have found this to be very true. The narcissist knows what they are doing.  They know they are hurting you and because they know what they are capable of, they don’t trust other people.  They are constantly looking over their shoulder wondering when someone they have wronged is going to return the favor.  They know they are manipulative and conniving so they are afraid that other people will do them the same way.  So don’t fret, the narcissist is definitely getting what’s due to them.  They live in constant torment – another reason why they don’t like to be alone.  Don’t trouble yourself worrying about whether the narcissist will pay for the things they have done, they will.  It doesn’t always happen when we want it to happen and it can take years when it finally does.  What’s important is focusing on what makes you happy and living your best life.  You will quickly notice how your life gets so much better once the narcissist is gone.

This blog is more than self-soothing anecdotes to remedy the pain of heartbreak.  I wrote this blog to dismantle the fallacies that we hold on to when the narcissist is no longer in our lives and moves on to someone else.   We create these stories in our head pondering the ex-narcissists new happy life without us.  The narcissist is never happy.  They wake up every day with a huge void and the only way to fill that void is to live a life intentionally hurting others.   This is why they move on while still in a relationship with you.  They need supply.  They need attention.  Once the narcissist gets tired of the new girlfriend, they will look for their next fix!  Be grateful you are no longer in the cycle of abuse regardless of how “great” you think his new relationship is.   The grass is NOT greener for the narcissist.  It’s just better for the time being.  OVERstand that the new girlfriend is no different than you.  She will incur the same emotional abuse that was dealt to you.  Once the narcissist gets tired of being  the responsible boyfriend or husband he is going to repeat the cycle with someone else at some point in time.

You must move on!

I know it hurts moving on after being discarded by a narcissist but it is not the end of the world.  I know you feel like the new girlfriend “won” or she is living the life you believed the narcissist was going to give to you but what the new girl has is the abuser who abused you, manipulated you, mistreated you and discarded you.  Do you think he has changed in a matter of weeks…months? NO! He is still the same person he is with her. The narcissist is a chameleon and can easily adapt to their victims.   Some victims are easier to manipulate some a little harder but trust and believe the narcissist WILL try their hardest to destroy that individual just the same as they did you.  Don’t waste time pondering or waiting for the narcissist to be on the receiving end of a lifetime supply of karma.  You may never see it.  If you do, it may take years before you “see” it happen.  What I have learned is focusing on myself, my goals, what makes me happy are far more important than what the narcissist has going on in his life.  Yes, I blog about the narcissist and tell my story  but I no longer attach the narcissist to my pain.  He was simply a lesson.  I have accepted the fact that he is not supposed to be in my life and he is where he is supposed to be. Once you grasp that, moving on will be so much easier.

Let’s wrap this up!

In conclusion, I know you may be hurting right now as you read this but it gets better.  Unlike “normal” breakups, breakups with narcissists are extremely difficult because of the psychological damage that they have left behind.  As they move on to what seems effortlessly to their next victim, you are left picking up the broken pieces of the despair. lies and hurt.  The narcissist does not bat an eye.  He doesn’t care about your tears.  They do not have an ounce of empathy so don’t bother telling him how much they have hurt you.  They will be completely unphased by your hurt and pain. What makes it  hard for for victims of narcissist abuse to move on is because they are holding on to the false image of the narcissist is a person and that they will never find anyone else like them.  They feel that they will always be alone and searching for the same person in someone else.  This is NOT true.  You have to understand that the good person that you thought the narcissist was to you was an act.  It wasn’t real.  It was a facade to get you hooked so they could hurt you – devalue you.

Do the work!

There is no easy fix for the pain you feel after being discarded by a narcissist.  It will take time to heal but you WILL heal.  You will be better, you will be stronger.   Trust me when I tell you this.  But you MUST do the work!  Don’t rush the process and DO NOT allow others to tell you how you should feel or tell you to just move on as if that is all you need to do to get over narcissistic abuse.  This also includes feeling like you MUST immediately forgive the person who wronged you before forgiving yourself and working on your issues.  Many do not understand narcissism or what the victim goes through being in a relationship with a narcissist.   Don’t follow your ex’s or the new partner’s social media accounts looking for clues on whether or not the narcissist is getting his or her karma or how happy their life is.  All that does is create suffering for you.  That’s what he wants.  He wants you to feel hopeless, hurt and rejected.   Quit subjecting yourself to hurt feelings by watching the play by plays of the narcissist’s new life.  STOP BEING A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT!

I will leave you with this. Once I acknowledged that accountability was my superpower, I stopped giving the narcissist power by attaching myself to the pain from that relationship.   He is not my story.  My story is so much bigger than my failed relationship with the narcissist.   I defeated the narcissist by winning on my own terms, focusing on healing and not allowing his hurtful actions to define me or keep me stuck.   The narcissist helped me realize that I deserved better and that he was only supposed to be in my life for a lesson, not a lifetime.  Once I accepted the fact that this is where I am supposed to be in my life I released him and the pain.

Share this with someone who may need this.

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This is 40 – Forty Things That Took Me 40 Years to Learn.

 

 

 I created this blog 8 months ago and here we are today!  I am 40 y’all!!   As my girl Beyonce said,  “I’m a Grown Woman!”  What better time to be a grown woman than now.  If you have been following my blog, you know this road to the big 40 was not easy however,  it was most definitely worth it.  I have learned many life lessons and NO I did not wake up like this!!  Unlike my thirties, I embraced forty with open arms.  I am so excited to enter into a new age bracket feeling free and fabulous!

Let’s get right to it.   I want to share 40 gems that I have learned on this road to 40 – here goes…

1. Nobody owes you anything.  Entitlement is self-destructive.  The more you feel entitled to something, the more disappointed you will be when others don’t deliver.  This life was given to YOU so work your magic and create your own success!
2. Walk away from toxic relationships. This includes friendships and familial relationships!  Toxic relationships are stressful and do not add value to your life. Walk away.
3. SAVE YOUR MONEY! Blowing money fast is ridiculous and a short-sighted way of dealing with life and responsibilities.
4. Overdose on SELF- LOVE. The best relationship you will ever have is with yourself! Love on YOU and watch the universe work in your favor!
5. Set healthy boundaries for yourself. Setting healthy boundaries for yourself is how you show others how to treat you.  Never apologize or allow others to make you feel badly for setting boundaries.
6. Say “NO”. It is perfectly okay to say “No”.  You are setting healthy boundaries for yourself.
7. Get that degree. If you desire higher education, GO FOR IT!!
8. Never minimize yourself to make others comfortable. Stand up for yourself and speak your truth in love and kindness.  Preserving the egos of others while you suffer is not a happy existence.
9. Take risks. As an entrepreneur I have learned the value in taking risks.  The same is true for my personal life. Taking risks can be hella scary but necessary for growth.
10. Accountability is your super power. I can’t tell you how many times I played the victim role.  All of my issues were because of someone else.  It wasn’t until I started taking accountability that I realized that I was taking back my power.  It is easy to place blame on others for what they do to us but it is our job to recognize that what we allow in our lives is a direct result of our own choices.
11. Take care of your parents. They are God’s gift to us.  When you take care of your parents, you are honoring God and you will be blessed for it.
12. Heal yourself.  Healing is hard af!  Let me repeat that!  HEALING IS HARD AS AF!! It is an experience that I will never forget as long as I live.  Healing ripped the band-aid of self-pity and victim hood off with no warning!  However, it was necessary.  If I didn’t do the work and submit to the process, I would still be the self-sabotaging person who continued to allow trash to take up space in my life and then leave me paying the bill.
13. Be vulnerable. So many people are walking around with defensive walls emotionally withdrawn because they feel that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness.  Vulnerability is beautiful!  There is nothing weak about it – it is a sign of strength!
14. Exercise emotional resilience. Being able to control your emotions is challenging but it is essential to being a mature adult.   When we refrain from heated arguments or saying mean and nasty words in the moments of anger, we exercise emotional resilience. We exercise maturity and use our emotions wisely.
15. Sometimes love is a lesson not a lifetime. One of the biggest lessons I learned was that romantic love is not always permanent but a lesson. Some people are not our soul mates but lessons on how to love and treat ourselves better. Thank God for the lesson and move on with your life!  The more you harbor on what could of been or that the new person is living the life you wanted or should have had is unhealthy and self-sabotaging.  Once you understand that you are where you are supposed to be, you will let go of the past and be open to new possibilities.
16. A man treats you the way he feels about himself. FACTS! A man who truly loves you will NEVER intentionally mistreat you; do things for you based on conditions or cheat on you! Stop trying to transform f8ckboys!! PS – Do NOT base your sense of self-worth on how a f*ckboy treats you.  You are totally worth it, he isn’t in a position to see it and probably doesn’t care enough about himself to see his own worth. MOVE ON SIS!!!
17. Walk away from one-sided relationships. If you are ALWAYS on the giving end of your relationships…WALK AWAY and don’t look back.  I mean it!  Stop circling back to bad relationships trying teach grown ups to do right by you.
18. Self-care is non-negotiable.  PERIOD!! 
19. Apologize without making excuses. There is nothing worse than someone apologizing  but making up a plethora of lame excuses for why they did you wrong. Take yourself out of the apology and eliminate all excuses.  Your apology will most likely be received better when excuses are not a part of the equation.  Sidenote:  Victim-blaming in your apology will most likely result in your apology being rejected and you coming off like d*ckhead!
20. Forgive yourself. Before you can forgive others, you have to forgive yourself first.  Forgiving others before forgiving yourself is a clear sign that you lack self-love. Forgive yourself first and work outwardly.
21. Buy the shoes. There is no such thing as too many shoes!
22. Block him.  When ending a relationship do yourself a favor and block him.  No need to keep entertaining f*ck boys. They don’t deserve your time nor deserve to be in your digital space!
23. Protect your peace.  Nothing or nobody is worth your inner peace.  Protect your space and your energy from emotional vultures.
24. Unpack your triggers.  One of the greatest gifts I could give myself was unpacking my triggers.  It was the most heart-wrenching thing I could do to myself but it released me from a lot internalized pain I had been holding inside for years.
25. Therapy is the pathway to healing. If I hadn’t started going back to therapy last year,  I would most likely have had a very difficult time transitioning from the person I once was to the person I am now.
26. Forgiveness takes time.  Forgive yourself first and work outwardly.  You are not obligated to forgive based on the time frame that other people have set for you.  Take the time to process your feelings and emotions.  There is nothing worse than being rushed to forgive others yet you are still broken inside.
27. The best relationship you will have is with yourself.  It may seem like everyone around you is getting booed up, engaged, married or pregnant but don’t let those things make you feel that true happiness is when you are tied to someone else.  The best relationship you will EVER be in is one with yourself.  Once you become comfortable with YOU, a partner will only add value to what you already have.
28. Speak up when you see injustice.  I have never had an issue speaking up for the underdog.  When we don’t speak up against injustice, we are being complicit.  Speaking up is not always easy but it is necessary – even when it is not popular opinion.
29. Give without expectations. Gift giving is one of my love languages.  I love seeing the person’s face light up when I give them a gift.  You never know what someone is going through and something as simple as bringing a gift to someone can make their day!  On the flipside, I have given to people who did not give back to me.   That is how it is.  That’s okay.  When we give with expectations we will always end up disappointed.  Everyone doesn’t have a giving heart like you do.   Although the ones who take from you don’t give back, it most certainly will come back to you in other ways and through other people. Don’t fret. Keep giving.
30. Communicate your feelings with kindness. When we are hurt, sometimes we feel the need to voice our hurt aggressively to get our point across.  This doesn’t help anything or anyone.  It actually makes the situation worse.  Communicating negative feelings with kindness can help ease conflict and create a more positive atmosphere and an easier path towards a resolution.
31. Be Fearless. Fear is stifling.  It stunts your growth. Take the leap and just do it!
32. Respect yourself. When you respect yourself, others will follow suit.  Never allow yourself to be disrespected to preserve relationships or to avoid being the “bad guy”.
33. No F*ck Boys Allowed.  STOP. ALLOWING. F*CK BOYS. TO. OCCUPY. YOUR. SPACE!  IT WILL ONLY LEAVE YOU SAD, MAD, MISERABLE AND HURT!!!  Love yourself sis!  Stop entertaining trash seeking validation or to avoid feeling lonely.
34. Worrying about what others think is a life wasted. One of the worst things you can do is to be concerned about what others say about you or your life choices.  If you are surrounded by people who constantly criticize or downplay your goals, move on!  It will only get worse.  Live your life!
35. You attract who you are. This is not a bad thing.  When we take the time to deal with our past trauma and issues and heal we become better people which results in attracting better people in our lives.  It took me a while to learn this but once I did, it started to happen.  This is not to say that you won’t have joy stealers and emotional vultures come our way, they will.  It is up to you to refrain from entertaining those people.
36. Stop taking yourself so seriously. I used to take myself way too seriously.  A lot of it had to do with my unresolved internal issues.  Now, I  allow myself to receive what is meant to be and what isn’t for me, I let it go.
37. Break up with him. In the words of my favorite podcasters Kid Fury and Crissle from This is The Read, BREAK UP WITH HIM!  Toxic relationships never get better.  They only get worse.  Break up with him.  You will thank yourself later and the universe will send you someone so much better.  Trust me!
38. Conflict is necessary for growth. I know this may sound crazy to some but in my experience, conflict helped me grow – A LOT!! I had my share of run-ins with conflict and the results were ugly but by doing self-inventory, owning my truth and APOLOGIZING, those relationships were mended.  Those situations helped me grow as an individual and those same situations  held a mirror up to me to show me who I was.
39. You can’t be friends with someone who wants your life. It is impossible to have a healthy friendship with someone who wants what you have.  You are officially in a competitive friendship and let me tell you, they suck! You will ALWAYS feel like you are in a competition in the other person’s imaginary race!!  Sometimes the very essence that makes you likeable, attractive, fun to be around, etc., is what makes them want to compete with you. I had to end those friendships because they were draining and I don’t compete with friends, I help them win!  If your friends are not helping you win, they are definitely hoping you lose.
40. Silence is golden. One of the biggest life lessons I learned was that I don’t have to respond to everything. I don’t have to attend every “party” I am invited to.  Silence is bliss!  Before speaking, I ask myself “Is what I am about to say helpful?”  “Will it create a hostile situation?” “What is my intent?” “Does it need to be said?”  As a person who used to shoot off at the mouth at the first sign of offense, I had to learn the hard way that it never ends well.  I have learned to remain silent until the time is right to speak on the matter or not say anything and let the other person continue to show me their true colors so I can make the decision on whether they need to be in my space or not.

BONUS:  You are responsible for the energy you bring.  You are responsible for how you show up in the world.  No matter who hurt you or did you wrong, you are responsible for the energy you bring to the table. You have a choice.

N is for Narcissist: The 10 Stages Of a Relationship With a Covert Narcissist.

WARNING: THIS BLOG IS VERY LONG!

I feel compelled to discuss this topic for several reasons.  One of those reasons is because I dealt with this.  I was unaware of how many men and women who are currently entangled or have been in the past in the dangerous web of narcissism.   Over the past few weeks, I have had several discussions with others about narcissists and how they negatively impact our lives.  Most of the time, we don’t realize what is happening until it is too late.

My last relationship was a pivotal moment in my life, and it unveiled a lot of things that I didn’t see while I was in the relationship.   Last year, I started going back to therapy.  I told my therapist the things that were transpiring in my life and the highest on my list of ISSUES was my breakup with my ex.  I told her the horror stories of arguments and toxic behaviors exhibited by him and I both.   I would further discuss my former partner’s actions and tendencies, and she finally said to me “He sounds like he is a little bit of a narcissist.”  WHOA!!  A what??

Disclaimer

As always, I add a disclaimer to my blogs when needed.  I am not an EXPERT in Narcissist Personality Disorder, but I have done enough research to discuss it confidently.  A licensed psychologist/psychiatrist is the only way to diagnose someone with  Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).   However, websites like Psychology Today and Mayo Clinic explain the traits/characteristics of  Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

I have researched NPD for the past year, and while there are several types of a narcissists and many are easy to spot, I will be discussing my personal experience with a covert narcissist.  Narcissism of this kind is not as easy to spot which is even more detrimental  because the abuse is subtle and often goes undetected until it is too late.  I noticed the symptoms in my experience, but it wasn’t until I began to feel the effects of the damage the narcissist caused that I recognized, put the pieces of the puzzle together and accepted that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.  Narcissist Personality Disorder is not gender-specific.  Men and women can be narcissists.

 Back to Narcissism

I had no idea that everything I was experiencing with this person at the time was due to him being a covert narcissist but it all made sense. I heard of narcissism before and it was mostly used to describe highly self-absorbed, egotistical men mostly.  It wasn’t until I started researching this topic that I knew the true essence of narcissism. I vividly recall calling out the narcissistic behaviors and telling him he needed to change those actions to have a healthy relationship.  I found out quickly that this person did not have the emotional intelligence that is often required to maintain healthy relationships.  A long distance relationship is challenging; they are even more challenging when the issues that plague the relationship meet stonewalling, silent treatment and projection. However, the long distance relationship is the perfect scenario for the covert narcissist. They can hide behind text messages, social media and distance.

I didn’t realize how damaging narcissists can be to the human spirit. They carefully plan out how they are going to deceive and manipulate you.

So what is a Narcissist?

“Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.  But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism. ”  ~Mayoclinic.org

*It is postulated that narcissistic personality disorder starts as early as childhood due to an imbalance in parent-child relationships.  You can read more about the causes and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder here.

Narcissists are cowards, and they play very dirty.  But what you MUST understand is that narcissists are not mentally healthy individuals.  The things that an emotionally intelligent individual wouldn’t do, the narcissist WILL do.  This blog is not a bashing session on the narcissist-it’s awareness.   Keep in mind, not all emotionally abusive relationships mean that the abuser is a narcissist.  If you believe that your partner is a narcissist, try not to focus so much on the narcissist label but the abuse that is occurring in the relationship.  Abuse is not okay.  Toxic relationships are not okay.  In my research, I found that many questioned if their partner was a narcissist and would list all of the bad things the person was doing to them as a way to determine if their partner was a narcissist.  Understand that being a narcissist is a label that is overly used and often used to generalized a self-centered person. Narcissists are self-centered, but there is a deeper pathology of these individuals that supersedes just being egotistical.

Let’s Be Clear

Nowadays the word Narcissist is often associated with a horrible and selfish ex.  I feel that this word is used a lot by people who may show one or two characteristics of this mental disorder.  I mean we all know somebody who is arrogant or overly confident in their abilities and looks.  I  didn’t understand this type of person until I was out of the relationship.  I recognized the traits but didn’t know it was narcissism at the root of his issues.  After my therapist told me that she believed that last partner is a narcissist, I began to research narcissism, and he fits every description of a covert narcissist (one of the worst besides the malignant narcissist) Surprisingly, there are various types of narcissism.   The covert narcissist, malignant narcissist, overt narcissist are just to name a few.  They each exhibit distinct behaviors that characterize them to be who they are.  It is important not to misinterpret specific actions or personality traits as an individual being a narcissist.

Narcissist attach themselves to highly successful people.  For one, it makes them look good and they can leach off of the financial success of their targets. Some narcissists will overtly ask their targets for money to pay for things. Let’s keep this in perspective. In relationships, financially supporting your partner is not a negative thing depending on the circumstances. So when I say things about the narcissist, it is not relative to healthy romantic relationships.  Narcissists expect you to pay for things.  They don’t like spending their “hard-earned” money on YOU and when they do it is based on conditions or they later use it to throw it back in your face or hold it over your head. Nothing they do is without conditions.

When we think of narcissists, we think of our current PINTO (President in Name and Title Only) or someone who is overtly and excessively self-centered.  They are not all loud and proud.  Some are quiet, calm, introverted and shy, but in the background, they are angry, vengeful, manipulative, plotting and planning on how to take you down with their emotionally draining, psychological warfare tactics.  Covert narcissists love to name drop or associate themselves with people who have the clout or some notoriety.   They love nice things and are very materialistic.   Healthy people who love nice things appreciate the value or significance that comes with those nice things.   The narcissist loves nice things because it boosts their ego and for the public.  The rely heavily on what the public thinks about them.

This blog is not for the faint of heart! Upon reading this blog, you may notice that these same traits reside in your partner or loved ones.  Narcissists are dangerous, but I do believe that there is hope if they want to change, seek therapy and spiritual guidance. The work will not be easy, so if a narcissist truly wants to change they will have to devote a lot of emotional energy, submit their ego and become vulnerable to the process. Mind you; the narcissist has been that way for YEARS.  Let’s get into it!

Here’s a list of the stages of being in a relationship with a narcissist:

1. Love Bombing aka Idealization.
Love bombing is the narcissists’ art of influence.  They shower the new target with excessive attention and affection.  When the narcissist finds a new target or supply, they begin to love bomb them.  Love bombing is when the narcissist showers their target with compliments, tells them how happy they are the new supply is in their life, they compare the new supply to their ex and how the new target is nothing like her.  They text you every day, sharing funny memes, telling you how beautiful/pretty you are. You will are told how glad they are you are in their life, and they have never met a woman like you. They pile it on thick!  In a matter of weeks of dating, they are already telling you that you are their soul mate or they are in love with you.

EVERYBODY IS THE NARCISSIST’S SOULMATE! THEY WANT TO MARRY EVERY WOMAN THEY DEEM TO BE THEIR PERFECT PARTNER! How Sway? They go as far as to start planning major life events like marriage, having children, moving in together at a rapid pace. I can recall in my personal experience, the narcissist asking me early on about marriage, children, etc. In a typical, healthy relationship, children, marriage and building a life together are things both parties will discuss early on because you are trying to get to know them and determine if this is someone you want to pursue a future. However, when it comes to the narcissist, this is discussed with the intention of moving fast and getting you to the altar with lightning speed. The more they find out about you early on, the more they can mirror you and pretend to be just like you.

Side note: In most healthy relationships,  love develops over time, not weeks. I know some may believe in love at first sight.  I am not sure if it exists or not but what I do know is that it takes time to get to know someone, find out how they communicate, handle arguments, how they relate others.  I am immediately turned off by people who move fast and try to convince me that moving fast in a relationship is normal.

When the narcissist is in the idealization phase, they are grooming their target to become attached to their frequent showering them with their compliments, constant adoration and attention to them. He is romance and passion in human form. When the narcissist is love bombing you, the part of your brain that responds to the adoration and constant compliments become modified and addicted to the love-bombing.  Narcissists are incredibly attentive, thoughtful and caring.  Things progress quickly during the idealization phase. Narcissists are obsessed with the way you look so they will always tell you how beautiful you are and if you bring up your insecurities, the narcissist will immediately tell you how much they love your insecurities.  Now what woman wouldn’t fall for a man like that?

PAUSE!!!

Playing up your insecurities is how the narcissist gets you effed up! In a healthy relationship, when your partner embraces your vulnerabilities, they do it in a way that is authentic and genuine. Because of the narcissist’s shrewd ability to come off as a genuine and authentic person, it is difficult to tell when they are faking it because most partners compliment you right? The narcissist showers you with compliments not only to build you up before they devalue you but also so that you will return those same compliments to them in return. Their motives behind their praises are premeditated and calculated because they plan on taking you off of your high horse slowly but surely. Also, the narcissist’s compliments are to keep you addicted to their constant flattery so when they devalue you, it is harder to leave because they make you feel VERY special and wanted. You are addicted to them, their flattery, their romantic gestures-they are the knight in shining armor you have been waiting your entire life for!  However,  the narcissist is not doing this for YOU. The narcissist HAS to have their ego fed at all times! The praises and adoration they give you are not for you! It is all about them.

EXHIBIT A:

In my relationship with the narcissist, we communicated all day every day.  I was VERY impressed that this guy would take so much time out of his day to interact with me.  He was making an effort to get to know me and ask me about what I wanted in a man, marriage, kids, etc.  He was amazing!! The funny memes, inside jokes, YouTube shenanigans was our “special” way of engaging with one another, and I felt he was so much like me. The man I thought was kind, gentle and loving was a chameleon. He could adapt to any woman by merely mirroring her and using her words and behaviors as intel for his devalue plan.

Then the Mask Falls Off.

After the narcissist is finished love bombing their new target, the mask slowly but surely slips off, and they reveal who they genuinely are. The once loving and romantic guy is now giving you the silent treatment because he doesn’t like the fact you challenged his bad behavior so he has to teach you a lesson, intentionally ruins holidays, birthdays or any special event in your life (we will talk about that later).  It is a subtle erosion of what you thought to be true as well as who you are.   After the narcissist builds you up, he slowly tears you down in the most undetectable and cunning way possible.  They will no doubt EXPOSE themselves to who they are.

2. Blame Shifting.
Narcissists NEVER accept blame for the negative things that they do and say in their relationships.  It is ALWAYS someone else’s fault. When they are called out for their negative behaviors, they immediately shift blame onto the other party or deflect onto you.  For example, if the narcissist is called out on a lie they will say that YOU are lying.  They will blame their adverse reactions as being someone else’s fault because had the person not made them mad, then none of this would be happening (I can’t tell you how many times I heard this).  Narcissists use blame shifting to manipulate their partner by playing the victim when confronted with their bad behavior.  They will turn the tables on you and bring up something from the past or something utterly unrelated about how you hurt them, and suddenly you are the bad guy apologizing to them! HA! GOT EM!!! I can recall texting the narcissist ex I was with , and the conversation was going smoothly. He found an opportunity to use something I did in the past to start an argument. It was out of nowhere. I was utterly confused. He then commenced to get upset and relive the situation.  I couldn’t believe this was happening. How did a conversation go from jokes and laughs to arguing and anger? The narcissist will take any situation and make it into something negative and a reason for them to unleash their vindictiveness and revenge on you.

Sidenote:  Sometimes the narcissists intentionally creates drama in the relationship to make provision for them cheating.  By stirring up drama, they can provoke you to respond negatively, and since they are delusional, they will conjure up excuses for why they should cheat because you are treating them so poorly. Hence, the silent treatment commences and while the narcissist is being silent towards you, chances are they are entertaining other supply.  They aren’t at home twiddling their thumbs.  They are getting revenge on you.

Narcissists are control freaks, and they exert this control in various ways like showing up late.  Now before you start accusing your always-late-never-on-time friends and family of being narcissists understand the difference. The typical person is late because they lack practical time management skills and most of the time it is not something done intentionally.  The narcissist is tardy because it is a way for them to be in control and their delusion of self-importance. They know that if their partner is waiting for them to arrive, they intentionally belabor the event, and most likely blame it on someone else for being late.  Narcissists want you to feel honored by their presence.  In my personal experience with the narcissist, tardiness was control.   He needed to have control and intentionally arriving late was his way of maintaining control in the relationship.

3. Manipulation.
Narcissists are master manipulators. They have mastered the art of deception. They play the victim when confronted with their behavior. The positive attributes that people admire about them is a facade. Narcissists deliberately portray themselves to be these great people to lure you into their “trap” of deception and before their mask falls off. Even when their mask falls off, they continue their deceit and manipulation. Manipulation is the narcissist’s way of controlling the people around them, especially their partner. The narcissist takes what you say and twists it around leaving you bewildered and confused to the point where you don’t even recognize what you said to them.

The narcissists uses manipulation to play the victim. They play the victim making you the problematic person.  In reality, the narcissist starts the argument but will blame you for reacting to the horrible things they have said to you or the lies they speak during the conversation. They manufacture drama with the anticipation of you reacting not responding (there’s a difference) negatively and then use it against you. Narcissists do NOT have boundaries, and they don’t recognize or accept the fact that others have boundaries which is why they are habitual line-crossers.

4. Gaslighting is a common tactic used by the narcissist.   It is another form of manipulation used by the narcissist.  Their goal is to make you dwell in a constant state of doubt.  As individuals, we have our lens/perceptions of reality.  We may not see things the same. However, the narcissist tries to persuade you into doubting that your thoughts, feelings, attitudes are not real.  Again…manipulation is one of the most used mental tactics used by the narcissist. Self-doubt is likely to occur when exposed to gaslighting from a narcissist. Narcissists are determined to misunderstand everything you say. Misinterpreting is another manipulation tactic used by the narcissist. They intentionally hear something different to make you feel like you are going crazy and continuously second-guess yourself. They feel nothing. They go about their day per usual. Meanwhile, you are about to lose your mind trying to figure out why and how the conversation took such a huge turn.

5. Triangulation is an abusive tactic used by the narcissist. Triangulation happens when the narcissist brings another person or group of people into the relationship as a means of attacking the victim or getting the victim to “fight” for the narcissist’s affection even more. This is one of the reasons why I do not suggest remaining friends with exes immediately after a breakup. In most cases, it is relatively impossible to remain friends with an ex-especially if feelings are still involved. But when it comes to the narcissist, it is so they can have you on standby in case the new supply doesn’t work out or if he or she makes the narcissist upset, he will pursue contact with the ex as a means of revenge or punish the new supply.  Also, when the narcissist is with his new target, he is telling her bad things about you. The smear campaign consists of “She didn’t appreciate me.”, “She was mean to me.” ” She is crazy!” In return, the new target feels special and the “chosen one.” Meanwhile, when the target’s back is turned, the narcissist is telling his “crazy” ex-girlfriend how much he loves her and how she was on his mind. TRUE STORY!!
Triangulation doesn’t stop at the new target.

6. The Silent Treatment

The narcissistic silent treatment is one of the most commonly used tactics. The narcissist resorts to the silent treatment as a means of “teaching you a lesson.” They are punishing you for something you did or said to them that they did not like. It can happen at any time for any reason. The narcissists maneuvers their way through life with the intent of misunderstanding everything you say and do. Intentional misunderstanding gives them the “right of way” in just about every conversation or argument involving them. They intentionally hear something “different” and will use it against you to justify their reason for not speaking to you. They will code their passive-aggressive behavior by playing the victim and claim that you are attacking them. The silent treatment is designed to render you invalid to the narcissist and as if you don’t matter to them. The narcissist’s intent is to condition you “act accordingly.” It’s how they try to control you.  Remember many narcissists need constant adoration so when they are silent towards you, they are communicating with someone else if not worse! I’m not going to sugarcoat this at all! The silent treatment is emotional abuse.

7. The New Target
New Supply – The “new” person that “suddenly” appears out of nowhere after you break up with your ex.  The thing is, they are not new.  They have been in the picture long before the breakup. Narcissists MUST be adored, needed, praised and have their egos stroked AT ALL TIMES!  The new supply is the person they suddenly get into a relationship with and slowly but surely the narcissist will suck the life out of them and they won’t even know what hit them. The new supply is unaware of how his or her life is about to change for the worse. It is too late; the narcissist has already started to make them feel like they are the best thing to ever happen to them. They have poured on the romantic charm on the new target so thick and most likely told the new target several “whoa is me” stories about how all of his or her ex treated them so poorly but conveniently leaving out their role in the demise of the relationsh*t.

8. Social Media

Social media is the narcissist’s playground. It is where 99.9% of their stable of supply resides. The narcissist loves to “flirt” with new supply by liking ALL of their status updates, pictures, etc. The narcissist is sending their smoke signal to the new supply that they are indeed interested.  I’m telling you what I know! These are FACTS!!! The narcissist is a social media “fan” of their new target. Everything she posts he will like it. Exhibit A: The narcissist uses the heart emoji under new target’s profile pic. If that is not a sign that a guy is into you, I am not sure what is. Mind you, the narcissist is still in a relationship with his current girlfriend but he doesn’t care.  He is already planning his escape and luring his new target into his web.

Nothing is off limits to narcissists. They do NOT care about anyone but themselves.  I share this information because it happened to me. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I am glad that I know the truth about the person I once loved and I cared for deeply.  This person was living a duplicitous life, and it was all on social media. They have conversations with the new target via private messenger and nine times out of ten they are complaining to the new target about their current relationship and how they are trying to get out of it.  The covert narcissist, however, is going to be very strategic and calculating on social media. He doesn’t want to come off like a cheater, so he will tell the new target how awful his current partner is to him to manipulate her into believing that what he is doing isn’t bad. He is just a good guy looking for a good woman to appreciate him.

P.S.  One of the biggest disservices you can do for yourself is keeping up with the narcissist on social media.  DON’T.  It’s not worth the agony.  Do NOT follow-up on the new target either.  I will discuss this in more detail in a future blog.

9. Holidays.

Narcissists love to ruin nice things. Holidays are one of them. It is the time of year where they go out of their way to make everyone around them feel horrible. They intentionally forget special days or to add insult to injury, they remember special holidays but will deliberately not buy a gift or divert plans and do something silly like watch a movie with their mom and sisters on Valentine’s Day. True Story! They will turn holidays and any intimate social gatherings into a fiasco; they will leave early (social interaction is not a high skill set for them).

Narcissists love to ruin significant milestones such as anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, graduations, etc. During the idealization phase, They shower you with gifts, planning and creating the facade of the perfect gentlemen or gentlewoman.  If you spend enough time with them, they will soon start to “forget” birthdays or avoid you on anniversaries and holidays.  They will start arguments  so they don’t have to be “present.”  It’s all calculated and planned.  Every move is premeditated.

10. Lack of Empathy
Narcissists do NOT have empathy.  NONE!! A  loved one can pass away,  you can be in the hospital, hit by a car, lose a pet, and they do not care. They may show fake concern on the surface, but they don’t care behind the scenes. It’s back to business as usual. Let me give you an example of how much they do not care. I experienced this on more than one occasion. You can talk to the narcissist about having hard times or simply going through it and they will just look at you with a blank look. Why?  They do not have the ability to process the emotions that will cause one to empathize.   They don’t care about what is going on with your life. Narcissists are very selfish. They only care about themselves so talking to them about your life is like talking to a brick wall.

Healthy individuals who empathize can put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Sometimes, the narcissist will act as if he cares to keep you in his web of deceit. He isn’t ready to discard you so he will pretend to care to keep you around. It’s all in their plan. They can appear to be thoughtful and concerned if it fits their agenda and to be socially accepted. Being someone who lacks empathy is not a socially acceptable trait so the narcissist will pretend to show concern and compassion to fit in because they are concerned about their public image.

BONUS!!  The Discard

The narcissist plans the discard phase weeks if not months before the actual breakup.  The narcissist will pick the worst time to discard you.  Usually, it is when you need their support most.  As I mentioned in earlier blogs, I was recovering from surgery and dealing with extremely stressful work-related issues. The narcissist picked this time to be a total jerk towards me. But now that I know who he is and why he behaved this way, it all makes sense.

When the narcissist is ready to discard you, the smear campaign commences.  The smear campaign starts with friends and family and stories about how poorly you are treating the narcissist.  Since the narcissist keeps a stable of women in their stash when the time comes for them to discard you, they can move on quickly.   While the narcissist is telling those close to him or her how poorly you are treating them, they are grooming their new target.  The grooming is typically flirting via social media, “liking”  or playfully sharing inside jokes with the new target on Facebook or other social media platforms.  The narcissist may even tell their new target about how poorly they are being treated by their current partner to garner sympathy and make the new target feel “special” that the narcissist is even confiding with them about their relationship issues.   While the narcissist is busy sharing this narrative about you (old target), he is also telling them about his new target-your replacement.  He is saying to them how great the new replacement is, how well she treats him and how he has FINALLY found someone who gets him or her.  The narcissist’s family and friends are happy for him and glad that he is with someone who treats him better than his former partner.  This is how the narcissist moves into a new relationship so quickly and broadcasts his new relationship publicly without the guilt or shame that most cheaters feel when they move on to a new relationship so soon after ending another one.

Exhibit A

In most breakup scenarios the narcissist is already in a new relationship weeks after the breakup.  Pictures are tagged of him on social media of him and his new target sharing moments together .  Family and friends are in full support of this new relationship by liking the pics his new target has tagged him in.  How can he be so comfortable displaying his new relationship with her knowing his family and friends would question him being in a new relationship so soon?  Why? Because he has manipulated his family and friends by telling them about his current partners “overreactions”,  bad behavior towards him just trying to be a “good man”  not being appreciated.  Of course, family and friends will respond with “You deserve someone who treats you better.”  The narcissist intentionally withholds what they did to cause the reaction from their family and friends so that they appear innocent.  The narcissist is doing what he does best – manipulate those around him.  They play on the humanity of others.  They make a joke of it and use it to their advantage.  The covert narcissist is the “good guy” that everybody likes and wants to be around. They have this ability to adapt to whatever environment they are in at the time.  As I said, they are chameleons.

When the narcissist enters into a new relationship, he doesn’t look like a cheater because he has manipulated his family and friends into believing that they deserved to be in this new relationship because he was treated so poorly by his former partner and needed to end the relationship with her.  Side note: I have come to terms with this narrative.  I know the truth, and I know who I am.  That is the only narrative that matters – MINE!  I understand the type of person I was dealing with and making me look bad was the only way for him to look like the “innocent” cheater.  When you are a coward, ending relationships like a mature adult is like kryptonite to Superman.

While most reasonable people understand that cheating is wrong and feel bad about it, the narcissist does not.  He has built his case against you-keeping tally of everything you have done wrong to him in the relationship and uses that to justify their cheating, manipulation and other psychologically abusive mind games.

When the narcissist discards you, they will go silent on you and ignore you.  One of the reasons behind this tactic is to punish you.    While they are ignoring you, they are love bombing their new target.  They are telling the new target that you are the “crazy ex” who simply can’t let go.  In return, this makes the new target feel “special.”  Here you are with her while another woman you share a past with wants you as well.  What the narcissist is doing is creating triangulation and the narcissist’s way of keeping the new target on her toes.   The narcissist loves bringing up their former partners in their new relationships so, during this time, the narcissist is talking about how awful you are to his new target.  Don’t fret.  There is nothing you can do about the narrative he or she is spreading about you.  We can only control the narrative we speak about ourselves.  What the narcissist doesn’t realize is all of the bad things they are spreading about you is more telling of who they are and the company they keep.  This brings me to my next point.

After narcissist discards you and ignores you for weeks or months , even years later. They will circle back and hoover.  Hoovering a common tactic used by the narcissist to reel you back into their web of manipulation, lies and deceit.  The silent treatment is to teach you a lesson, manufacture anxiety within you and make you feel less than so when they come back, you will quickly accept them back into your life and be happy that they see value in you.  As I told you earlier, narcissists need a constant supply.  They can’t leave one situation and be alone. They MUST have someone else waiting in the wings to validate them and make them feel special.  Narcissists feel like they are doing you a favor by being with you.

The narcissistic hoover comes in the form of deception.  They will carefully use their words to lead you  to believe that he or she wants to work things out so they will use “love” language or use words that play on your emotions.  For healthy individuals who have feelings, the narcissists actions seem legit.  What the narcissist is doing is playing chess with your heart.  They want to keep you around as a plan B in case the new target doesn’t work out and to triangulate you.  See what the new target doesn’t know is that the narcissist is using her too.  The narcissist has planned all of this out, and now he is putting his plan into action.

The narcissist will tell you that he or she wants to remain friends post-breakup.  Here’s the thing:  Why do they want to be friends if they have told their family and friends so many bad things about you?  Who wants to be friends with someone who treats them poorly??  The narcissist does this to keep you around and maintain control, and WHEN the new target gets boring, they can come back to you.  It’s a very sick game, and I am speaking on what I know.   The narcissist came back around and told me, how much he loved me and I was on his mind among other things, but I could discern that he was not forthcoming. He didn’t come back because he loved me.  I was a pawn in his game.  The new girl was a pawn just as well. I mean what self-respecting man flip flops from one woman to another inciting drama?? It would have made him feel so “special” to have me and his new target fighting over him, or when his new target got on his nerves, he could “innocently” text me behind her back.  The same thing he was doing behind my back.

Narcissists would like for you to believe that the demise of the relationship is all YOUR fault and that you are unlovable, difficult, ask for too much, etc.  You are asking them to be a reasonable human being in a mature relationship, and this is something that they REFUSE to do.  See, narcissists feel that all they need to do is show up with their looks, private parts and their bank accounts and they will treat you as if you should be honored to be with them because they have a host of women wanting to be with them, so you BETTER behave.

You are on to their mind games and emotional abuse, so they move on to their next target and start the cycle over again.  If you pay close attention, you will notice that the narcissist ALWAYS leaves behind a trail of destruction wherever they go.  All of their relationships end badly, and they are the victim in each scenario.

EXTRA BONUS!! The Gift

One of the greatest gifts the narcissist can give you is their absence!  It may sting for a while but once you uncover who they genuinely are and OVERstand that these people do not function like emotionally healthy individuals do. Think about how drama free your life was before the narcissist showed up? If your life wasn’t drama free, I am sure the narcissist intensified the drama tremendously.  Narcissists  live in a constant state of tension and confusion. They LOVE drama!  When the narcissist leaves your life, you will suddenly have an overwhelming amount of peace. Yes, it will hurt in the beginning because the person you thought the narcissist was only an illusion. You loved them, cared for them and even saw a future with them, but the narcissist tricked you. They tricked you into believing that he was a good person, a good man, husband material but that is not who he was. The gag is on us-so the narcissist’s thinks. Keep reading.

You will Heal.

Just like a physical wound, emotional wounds take time to heal. The deeper the injury, the longer it takes to recover. Some wounds are deep, and they are excruciating. The mere thought of it is unbearable to think about. This is how we process emotional scars. Some emotional wounds take a longer time to heal, but those wounds heal once we apply proper treatment to those wounds. Putting a band-aid on the wound doesn’t remove the wound, it is a temporary fix. That is how it looks when we run from one relationship to another. The new person is a band-aid. They only cover up the surface of our issues. In my own experiences, I can recall breaking up with someone and getting into a new situation relatively quickly. While the new person took my mind off of my past relationship, it was a temporary fix because the same issues would resurface because I need healing inwardly. I was expecting my new partner to heal my wounds and nobody could fix that but ME! One of the biggest lessons the narcissist taught me was that I did not love myself. When you love yourself, there are certain lines you don’t allow someone to cross. It took me a long time to admit that I didn’t love myself. My ego got in the way, and I refused to acknowledge my lack of self-love to myself or anybody else for that matter. We all know that narcissists are emotional vultures, we still have to take accountability. I will get into how to move forward after breaking up with a narcissist in another blog.

Thank you for taking the time to read my novel blog. Narcissism is a vast topic, and I can’t cover it in one blog. This blog is based on my personal experience along with factual evidence of how narcissist behave. Narcissists are dangerous to your mental health. They wear you down, and when the narcissist is done with you, they move on to someone else to repeat the same cycle. You’re not missing out. Your life has just begun! Trust me, life post narcissist gets better, you are stronger, wiser and you most of all, you see the value in YOU. Once you recognize yourself for the bad@$$ that you are, you will NEVER entertain toxic relationships again!

I know I didn’t cover everything. It is impossible to do in one blog but I wanted to share my experience.  My journey has been amazing. 2017 has taught me several life lessons and it was the year of self-discovery, healing and progression.  Detaching from toxic relationships can have its negative effects on us but we can move past them.  It takes hard work, focus, spiritual guidance and most importantly people who love us and support our journey.  I started this blog earlier this year and it has been one of my biggest accomplishments!  Documenting my journey is my way of telling my story to not only help me, but help others. I am a humanitarian at heart and I love helping people.  This is my way of giving back.  I hope this blog helps you.  Feel free to comment.  I would love to hear from you!

As always you can find me on Facebook and  IG @thehonestaquarian.

Until next time, Merry Christmas and cheers to an awesome New Year!!!