This is 40 – Forty Things That Took Me 40 Years to Learn.

 

 

 I created this blog 8 months ago and here we are today!  I am 40 y’all!!   As my girl Beyonce said,  “I’m a Grown Woman!”  What better time to be a grown woman than now.  If you have been following my blog, you know this road to the big 40 was not easy however,  it was most definitely worth it.  I have learned many life lessons and NO I did not wake up like this!!  Unlike my thirties, I embraced forty with open arms.  I am so excited to enter into a new age bracket feeling free and fabulous!

Let’s get right to it.   I want to share 40 gems that I have learned on this road to 40 – here goes…

1. Nobody owes you anything.  Entitlement is self-destructive.  The more you feel entitled to something, the more disappointed you will be when others don’t deliver.  This life was given to YOU so work your magic and create your own success!
2. Walk away from toxic relationships. This includes friendships and familial relationships!  Toxic relationships are stressful and do not add value to your life. Walk away.
3. SAVE YOUR MONEY! Blowing money fast is ridiculous and a short-sighted way of dealing with life and responsibilities.
4. Overdose on SELF- LOVE. The best relationship you will ever have is with yourself! Love on YOU and watch the universe work in your favor!
5. Set healthy boundaries for yourself. Setting healthy boundaries for yourself is how you show others how to treat you.  Never apologize or allow others to make you feel badly for setting boundaries.
6. Say “NO”. It is perfectly okay to say “No”.  You are setting healthy boundaries for yourself.
7. Get that degree. If you desire higher education, GO FOR IT!!
8. Never minimize yourself to make others comfortable. Stand up for yourself and speak your truth in love and kindness.  Preserving the egos of others while you suffer is not a happy existence.
9. Take risks. As an entrepreneur I have learned the value in taking risks.  The same is true for my personal life. Taking risks can be hella scary but necessary for growth.
10. Accountability is your super power. I can’t tell you how many times I played the victim role.  All of my issues were because of someone else.  It wasn’t until I started taking accountability that I realized that I was taking back my power.  It is easy to place blame on others for what they do to us but it is our job to recognize that what we allow in our lives is a direct result of our own choices.
11. Take care of your parents. They are God’s gift to us.  When you take care of your parents, you are honoring God and you will be blessed for it.
12. Heal yourself.  Healing is hard af!  Let me repeat that!  HEALING IS HARD AS AF!! It is an experience that I will never forget as long as I live.  Healing ripped the band-aid of self-pity and victim hood off with no warning!  However, it was necessary.  If I didn’t do the work and submit to the process, I would still be the self-sabotaging person who continued to allow trash to take up space in my life and then leave me paying the bill.
13. Be vulnerable. So many people are walking around with defensive walls emotionally withdrawn because they feel that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness.  Vulnerability is beautiful!  There is nothing weak about it – it is a sign of strength!
14. Exercise emotional resilience. Being able to control your emotions is challenging but it is essential to being a mature adult.   When we refrain from heated arguments or saying mean and nasty words in the moments of anger, we exercise emotional resilience. We exercise maturity and use our emotions wisely.
15. Sometimes love is a lesson not a lifetime. One of the biggest lessons I learned was that romantic love is not always permanent but a lesson. Some people are not our soul mates but lessons on how to love and treat ourselves better. Thank God for the lesson and move on with your life!  The more you harbor on what could of been or that the new person is living the life you wanted or should have had is unhealthy and self-sabotaging.  Once you understand that you are where you are supposed to be, you will let go of the past and be open to new possibilities.
16. A man treats you the way he feels about himself. FACTS! A man who truly loves you will NEVER intentionally mistreat you; do things for you based on conditions or cheat on you! Stop trying to transform f8ckboys!! PS – Do NOT base your sense of self-worth on how a f*ckboy treats you.  You are totally worth it, he isn’t in a position to see it and probably doesn’t care enough about himself to see his own worth. MOVE ON SIS!!!
17. Walk away from one-sided relationships. If you are ALWAYS on the giving end of your relationships…WALK AWAY and don’t look back.  I mean it!  Stop circling back to bad relationships trying teach grown ups to do right by you.
18. Self-care is non-negotiable.  PERIOD!! 
19. Apologize without making excuses. There is nothing worse than someone apologizing  but making up a plethora of lame excuses for why they did you wrong. Take yourself out of the apology and eliminate all excuses.  Your apology will most likely be received better when excuses are not a part of the equation.  Sidenote:  Victim-blaming in your apology will most likely result in your apology being rejected and you coming off like d*ckhead!
20. Forgive yourself. Before you can forgive others, you have to forgive yourself first.  Forgiving others before forgiving yourself is a clear sign that you lack self-love. Forgive yourself first and work outwardly.
21. Buy the shoes. There is no such thing as too many shoes!
22. Block him.  When ending a relationship do yourself a favor and block him.  No need to keep entertaining f*ck boys. They don’t deserve your time nor deserve to be in your digital space!
23. Protect your peace.  Nothing or nobody is worth your inner peace.  Protect your space and your energy from emotional vultures.
24. Unpack your triggers.  One of the greatest gifts I could give myself was unpacking my triggers.  It was the most heart-wrenching thing I could do to myself but it released me from a lot internalized pain I had been holding inside for years.
25. Therapy is the pathway to healing. If I hadn’t started going back to therapy last year,  I would most likely have had a very difficult time transitioning from the person I once was to the person I am now.
26. Forgiveness takes time.  Forgive yourself first and work outwardly.  You are not obligated to forgive based on the time frame that other people have set for you.  Take the time to process your feelings and emotions.  There is nothing worse than being rushed to forgive others yet you are still broken inside.
27. The best relationship you will have is with yourself.  It may seem like everyone around you is getting booed up, engaged, married or pregnant but don’t let those things make you feel that true happiness is when you are tied to someone else.  The best relationship you will EVER be in is one with yourself.  Once you become comfortable with YOU, a partner will only add value to what you already have.
28. Speak up when you see injustice.  I have never had an issue speaking up for the underdog.  When we don’t speak up against injustice, we are being complicit.  Speaking up is not always easy but it is necessary – even when it is not popular opinion.
29. Give without expectations. Gift giving is one of my love languages.  I love seeing the person’s face light up when I give them a gift.  You never know what someone is going through and something as simple as bringing a gift to someone can make their day!  On the flipside, I have given to people who did not give back to me.   That is how it is.  That’s okay.  When we give with expectations we will always end up disappointed.  Everyone doesn’t have a giving heart like you do.   Although the ones who take from you don’t give back, it most certainly will come back to you in other ways and through other people. Don’t fret. Keep giving.
30. Communicate your feelings with kindness. When we are hurt, sometimes we feel the need to voice our hurt aggressively to get our point across.  This doesn’t help anything or anyone.  It actually makes the situation worse.  Communicating negative feelings with kindness can help ease conflict and create a more positive atmosphere and an easier path towards a resolution.
31. Be Fearless. Fear is stifling.  It stunts your growth. Take the leap and just do it!
32. Respect yourself. When you respect yourself, others will follow suit.  Never allow yourself to be disrespected to preserve relationships or to avoid being the “bad guy”.
33. No F*ck Boys Allowed.  STOP. ALLOWING. F*CK BOYS. TO. OCCUPY. YOUR. SPACE!  IT WILL ONLY LEAVE YOU SAD, MAD, MISERABLE AND HURT!!!  Love yourself sis!  Stop entertaining trash seeking validation or to avoid feeling lonely.
34. Worrying about what others think is a life wasted. One of the worst things you can do is to be concerned about what others say about you or your life choices.  If you are surrounded by people who constantly criticize or downplay your goals, move on!  It will only get worse.  Live your life!
35. You attract who you are. This is not a bad thing.  When we take the time to deal with our past trauma and issues and heal we become better people which results in attracting better people in our lives.  It took me a while to learn this but once I did, it started to happen.  This is not to say that you won’t have joy stealers and emotional vultures come our way, they will.  It is up to you to refrain from entertaining those people.
36. Stop taking yourself so seriously. I used to take myself way too seriously.  A lot of it had to do with my unresolved internal issues.  Now, I  allow myself to receive what is meant to be and what isn’t for me, I let it go.
37. Break up with him. In the words of my favorite podcasters Kid Fury and Crissle from This is The Read, BREAK UP WITH HIM!  Toxic relationships never get better.  They only get worse.  Break up with him.  You will thank yourself later and the universe will send you someone so much better.  Trust me!
38. Conflict is necessary for growth. I know this may sound crazy to some but in my experience, conflict helped me grow – A LOT!! I had my share of run-ins with conflict and the results were ugly but by doing self-inventory, owning my truth and APOLOGIZING, those relationships were mended.  Those situations helped me grow as an individual and those same situations  held a mirror up to me to show me who I was.
39. You can’t be friends with someone who wants your life. It is impossible to have a healthy friendship with someone who wants what you have.  You are officially in a competitive friendship and let me tell you, they suck! You will ALWAYS feel like you are in a competition in the other person’s imaginary race!!  Sometimes the very essence that makes you likeable, attractive, fun to be around, etc., is what makes them want to compete with you. I had to end those friendships because they were draining and I don’t compete with friends, I help them win!  If your friends are not helping you win, they are definitely hoping you lose.
40. Silence is golden. One of the biggest life lessons I learned was that I don’t have to respond to everything. I don’t have to attend every “party” I am invited to.  Silence is bliss!  Before speaking, I ask myself “Is what I am about to say helpful?”  “Will it create a hostile situation?” “What is my intent?” “Does it need to be said?”  As a person who used to shoot off at the mouth at the first sign of offense, I had to learn the hard way that it never ends well.  I have learned to remain silent until the time is right to speak on the matter or not say anything and let the other person continue to show me their true colors so I can make the decision on whether they need to be in my space or not.

BONUS:  You are responsible for the energy you bring.  You are responsible for how you show up in the world.  No matter who hurt you or did you wrong, you are responsible for the energy you bring to the table. You have a choice.