5 Steps To Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

In my research, the same reoccurring question I come across is how to break free from narcissistic abuse. The first answer, you have to want to be free. The challenging part is actually breaking free. What most people don’t understand is that narcissistic relationships are especially hard to break from because of the trauma bond. A trauma bond is an unhealthy form of attachment created between the narcissist and their victim through repeated cycles of abuse or traumatic experiences. The victim internalizes this repeated pattern of abuse and learns to appease their abuser to receive the love they have always wanted. This is how narcissists gain the upper hand in their relationships. You won’t see this side of them until after the love-bombing/idealization phase, which is typically the first 3-6 months of the relationship.

As I tell people all of the time, breaking up with a narcissist is not a typical breakup. It is quite devastating and painful to detach from them and disassociate yourself from the damage they have caused. That is why so many victims of narcissistic abuse have a more difficult time separating from the narcissist. What’s worse is that social media has created a platform for narcissists to showcase their new ill-gotten relationship while also dangling a carrot over your head, trying to lure you back into their trap.

I created a list of five proven steps towards healing from a narcissistic breakup. I encourage you to implement these steps in your journey of recovery. These methods work with determination, motivation, accountability, and support.

#1 – No contact. To break free from the narcissist, you have to go entirely off the grid. Block them on all social media, your phone, and if you have mutual friends with the narcissist, tell them you do not want to hear from or about the narcissist. This will be challenging, but the more time that goes by, the better it will be. Stay busy and create a healthy support system and accountability partner(s) to help you on the tough days. Narcissists don’t like it when you ignore them or break up with them, so they will pursue you, hoping that you will give in and take them back so they can abuse you again. Please don’t fall for it! No matter how charming and kind they are, it’s a ploy to hurt you again.

If you have children with the narcissist, the grey rock method is helpful. The grey rock method is when the individual is non-responsive (like a rock) to the narcissist’s tactics. The individual is emotionally detached, and eventually, the narcissist becomes bored and uninterested. This method is not a guarantee that the narcissist won’t keep trying to lure you in with their tactics. Still, it can eliminate arguments, blame-shifting, and unnecessary back and forth between the individual and the narcissist. I will discuss the grey rock method in more detail on a future blog.

#2 – Stay off Social media.  Deactivate your social media accounts for the first few weeks of no contact (or as long as you deem necessary). This is helpful for a few reasons. For one, it is a much needed mental break to help you get back to yourself and concentrate on what really matters-your emotional and spiritual well-being. It also helps eliminate the urge to look and see what your ex is doing, and it creates another barrier to the ex trying to contact or hoover you during the most crucial time of your healing process.  In many cases where the narcissist breaks up with the victim, it can be especially important to deactivate your social media.

The worst thing you can do is watch the narcissist flaunt their new relationship on social media – no matter how fake it is! Narcissists are incapable of having genuine and loving relationships, so they fake it until it is time to move on to the next. You deserve better, and as someone else said, every time you look at the narcissist’s social media, it’s like sticking your head in a toilet! Let that sink in.

#3 – Seek therapy. Victims of narcissistic abuse endure a lot of psychological torture at the hands of the narcissist, so it is crucial to seek out a qualified mental health counselor to undo the emotional abuse. Many employers offer EAP programs for their employees to utilize mental health services for a limited amount of time. If you can’t afford to see a therapist on an ongoing basis, and your employer offers an EAP program, I strongly encourage you to take advantage of that. Most of my healing work was accomplished through therapy. It helped me learn a lot about myself and rebuild my life more healthily.

#4 – Journal.  Your journal will be your best friend during your healing process. Journaling is a great way to release stress, share your thoughts and feelings in a judgment-free space. Journaling is a mental brain dump where you can are free to heal and communicate your feelings. Perhaps there is something you want to get off of your chest to the narcissist (I highly recommend that you don’t address the narcissist face to face); you can write it down in your journal. I wrote everything down in my journal! When I look back on my journal and see my progress, I can’t help but be proud. When you write in your journal, be kind to yourself, be honest and transparent. It’s for YOU, nobody else. Own your feelings and allow yourself to feel.

#5 – Practice self-love.  It’s hard to allow someone to treat you poorly when you value and love yourself. In many cases, the narcissist fills a void in the victim’s life. Lack of love and acceptance from a parent, low self-esteem, self-worth are all factors in why people enter into relationships with a narcissist (unknowingly). The narcissist’s fake admiration, charm, and love bombing often trap the victim into their dangerous web of abuse. Self-love is the antithesis of narcissism. Individuals who have self-love have boundaries. They don’t allow others to disrespect or mistreat them no matter who they are. Here’s the kicker, even the strongest, most confident, self-actualized individual can fall victim to a narcissist. That is where I come in – I tell you what to look for, so you don’t have to learn the hard way as I did. I dated a covert narcissist who is, in my opinion, the most dangerous. They wear masks and pretend to be great, charming, loving people who deep down inside are dark and calculating individuals who seek to destroy their victims using manipulation, gaslighting, and dishonesty.

I wish there were a magic wand, or I could click my stiletto heels, and the pain and hurt from narcissistic abuse would disappear for good, but that wouldn’t do any of us good. Pain tends to teach us a lesson. It’s a reminder of what not to do the next time. While some pain is unavoidable, there’s the pain we can avoid by making better decisions and recalling past experiences associated with that pain. There’s no specific remedy for overcoming narcissistic abuse. However, I feel like this list will be an excellent start for you. I have been where you have been, and I know that this journey is far from easy, but I made it through, so can you.

If you have any questions about narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder, send them to me, and I will address some of your questions in my next blog! Please email me at thehonestaquarian@gmail.com.

Until next time,

xoxo,

The Honest Aquarian

Unhealthy Pride…The Root of Narcissism

Hey guys! I’m back after a bit of a hiatus. I missed blogging, but my life is pretty crazy these days. I have a few weeks off from school, so I wanted to take some time to talk to you about a topic that I haven’t addressed – pride. I have written several blogs about narcissists and their pride, but I haven’t written a blog dedicated solely to pride and the differences between healthy and unhealthy pride. Before we get to the nitty-gritty licensed therapist, but I am a researcher ( I only post information from reliable sources) and these are my findings

I believe that we are all familiar with the saying, “Pride goeth before the fall.” Growing up, I would hear church sermons about pride being a bad thing and leads to self-destruction and separated man from God. No worries! I am not going to preach a sermon about pride, but I will enlighten you with helpful information to help you distinguish between unhealthy and healthy pride.

In layman’s terms, pride is the feeling of being worthy or good. In essence, it means to be proud. Healthy pride is self-confidence, an intrinsic motivation that propels one to believe in themselves to accomplish goals, have a winning attitude, and believe in their successes. Healthy pride is an inside job for individuals who authentically believe in themselves and their abilities. They don’t require outside validation to feel proud. People with healthy pride believe in themselves and can easily internalize their individual triumphs.

Unlike people with healthy pride, individuals with unhealthy pride can’t internalize their personal triumphs and must constantly prove themselves to others as well as themselves. This need for approval is deep-rooted in self-doubt and feeling of shame. Like most issues, unhealthy pride stems from childhood experiences where the individual did not feel loved for who they are by their parents/caregivers but for how well they performed.

Extrinsic rewards and validation mostly drive individuals with unhealthy pride. They have to prove their success not only to themselves but to others as well. Because these types of individuals often overcompensate, they come off as cocky or bull-headedly confident in their skills and abilities, which is also known as “narcissistic injury.” Narcissistic injury is when a narcissist perceives a threat to their self-esteem or worth.

Unlike healthy pride, individuals with unhealthy pride tend to overvalue their abilities and accomplishments and will often take credit for something that rightfully belongs to someone else. People with unhealthy pride have an exaggerated sense of importance and feel superior to others. This unhealthy form of pride can show up in which the individual is proud of being a bully, intimidating, and hurting others. Hence, this feeling of importance and superiority is also the reason behind their inability to accept criticism. The slightest criticism can spark up a defense riddled with anger and rage – this also explains why they are unlikely to apologize or admit that they are wrong.

People who exhibit unhealthy pride struggle with their self-confidence and self-worth. On the outside, they seem to be confident, self-assured people who have it together. On the inside, they are struggling to be accepted for who they are, not for how well they perform. We have all dealt with someone in our lives who has exhibited unhealthy or “false” pride. People with healthy pride not only believe in themselves, but they believe in others. They don’t mind giving compliments or praise to others when it is due to them. Unhealthy pride does not allow one to praise or compliment others because that takes away from them being in the spotlight.

People with healthy pride motivate and inspire others. They share the successes of others and rarely feel threatened or jealous of them. People with healthy pride often gravitate to successful people oppose to feeling envy or jealousy. Unlike people with unhealthy pride, they can authentically be proud of their friends, family, partners, etc. advancements.

Research studies show that unhealthy pride is the core of narcissistic personality disorder. I don’t believe that everyone who exhibits unhealthy pride is a narcissist. However, I do think that unhealthy pride should be treated by a mental health professional. If left unchecked, it could lead to narcissism.

For more information on the common traits of narcissism, check out these previous blogs below.

N is for Narcissist: The 10 Stages Of a Relationship With a Covert Narcissist.

5 Important Reasons You Should Thank the Narcissist For Leaving #boybye

Why Does the Narcissist Always Get What They Want? The Myth Behind the Magic.

The Legacy Behind the ‘Hussle’.

A few weeks ago, my cousin and I were having a random conversation about Nipsey Hussle.  I don’t recall how he became the topic of discussion.  We are both fans of his music so talking about Nipsey’s charismatic vibe, and laid back disposition was not uncommon.   Fast forward to Sunday evening, March 31st.  I am chilling with my girls while sipping on a glass of red Cabernet. I scrolled through my phone and saw “BREAKING NEWS” about the melee surrounding Nipsey.  My initial reaction was that he was going to pull through.   Minutes later, news reports stated that he had succumbed to his injuries.  My social media timeline was inundated with posts from celebrities and followers about Nipsey Hussle’s untimely demise. It was like a ubiquitous dark cloud had infiltrated the Internet, and we all felt it.

Nipsey Hussle was not only a musical artist, but he was a man who loved his community. He was a businessman.  He was a philanthropist.  His message of motivation and success permeates throughout his latest album “Victory Lap.”   His music left us with an undisguised message of Black entrepreneurship, hustler’s ambition, and personal growth.  In his song “Last Time I Checked” Nipsey says:

For every n*gga in the streets trying to feed the babies
The single mamas workin’ hard not to miss a payment
And dirty money get washed on royalty statements
Black owners in this game are powerful races
Young n*ggas in the set that’s doing it makeshift
Out the garage is how you end up in charge
It’s how you end up in penthouses, end up in cars, it’s how you
Start off a curb servin’, end up a boss
It’s how you win the whole thing and lift up a cigar
With sweat drippin’ down your face ’cause the mission was hard.”

 

So often we hear the words “The good die young.”   Time after time, we see young Black men like Nipsey at the very peak of success and finally getting their just due only to be gunned down in senseless acts of violence.  Nipsey’s impact on rap culture superseded mixtapes and album releases.  He was out in the streets, pounding the pavement and putting in work.  He hired former inmates to work at his Marathon Clothing Store because he knew the struggles that would befall former inmates post prison release- especially Black ones.  His impact on those around him shows because they all speak so highly of him.  He was more than a rapper.  He was a philanthropist,  a humanitarian, community-driven and a go-getter.

Nipsey left behind a legacy – a legacy that will stand the test of time.

Nipsey’s passing should be a lesson to all of us that we must do all we can while we can. Not only that but it’s never too late to be the change you want to see. Our past does not dictate our future. Nipsey has done more in his 33 years than some have done in a lifetime. This young man sparked a significant change in his community, and it won’t stop at his untimely demise. He left a legacy.  He is more than his past as a gang member turned rapper; he is a hometown hero to so many people.  He was highly respected as a musical artist, a businessman, a partner, a friend, a brother, son, and father.  My heart aches for his loved ones – especially his partner Lauren London and children.

My heart breaks for Lauren.  She lost the love of her life – the father of her child. I’m not saying they had the perfect relationship, but they seemed to have a genuine bond and were true soulmates.  When I watched the GQ video of Laura asking Nipsey 30 questions about her, it was quite endearing.  He answered every question with confidence and urbane Nipsey swag!  We are praying for Lauren.  That type of loss is unimaginable.

I may not have known Nipsey  Hussle personally, but after hearing about his philanthropy, his love for his community made me feel like I did. He never posted about his charitable efforts on social media for all to see. He didn’t have a camera nearby to document his philanthropic acts.   He was humble and did what he was called to do – serve his community.  He is a prime example that although we may be products of our environment, we all have what it take to rise above and do better.  He took what he had and made it 10x better.  He could have stopped once he made it as a rapper and just enjoyed the good life.  Instead, he took what he had, multiplied it and started businesses.  He encouraged Black people to “buy the block.”  As I watched some of his interviews, I could feel his confidence,  authenticity, and humility but I could also see his fearlessness.  Amid his lightweight physique, he had the heart of a lion.

While Nipsey’s sudden passing is a shock to the world, let his legacy spark the fire of motivation within you to change the world!  Nipsey’s legacy is a reminder once again that not all heroes wear capes!

RIP Nipsey.

The marathon continues…

Your Vibe Attracts Your Tribe. Why I Had to Walk Away From a Toxic Friendship.

In my moments of self-awareness, I think about the various relationships I have fostered throughout the years and the person I was while in those relationships. I spent a lot of time angry at the people I felt didn’t appreciate my friendship or my worth as a partner, but in reality, the only person I should be upset with is myself because I allowed it. I don’t beat myself up anymore. I recognize my role in those relationships with the understanding that I was not my best self and that a lot of unhealed trauma was manifesting in those relationships.

One thing about me is that I am a fun person to be around, I am comical which is always a plus, supportive, loyal, and you can trust me with your deepest and darkest secrets. I listen well and offer pretty d@mn good advice. What I didn’t know then is that those same qualities attracted certain people in my life. I always drew people who needed help – like therapist help. It is one thing to be a friend who gives advice, but these friends required professional help. I was a proxy so they would dump all of their problems on me and then I felt it was my duty (as a friend) to solve their problems.

Meanwhile, in some of these friendships, whenever I wanted to talk to them about my trials and tribulations, I was met with a brick wall, one-word responses, lack of interest or subject change. It was very frustrating, and I harbored a lot of resentment as a result. That resentment led to distance and then BOOM, I go off, and we are no longer friends. Looking back that was not the appropriate response. It wasn’t their fault. It was my fault. I allowed them to dump their problems on me with no requirement of them as a friend to reciprocate. I failed to have open and honest conversations and continued to partake in these one-sided partnerships. I let these individuals treat me as a one-stop-shop for friendships, and it showed me how I honestly felt about myself.

2018 was the year that I was no longer going to be that same person. I was going through some tough times and those tough times were transforming me into the new and improved person that I needed to be. I was continuously doing the work, loving on myself and no longer tolerating half – @$$ friendships or relationships. I spent too much time giving friends and romantic partners the best of me, while I received the least from them. There was a young lady (let’s call her “Addy”), that I had met a couple of years ago and we clicked at a mutual friends party. Initially, Addy was a lot of fun and overall what I deemed to be a cool person to be around and share good times. But over time I began to notice red flags. I quickly recognized that I was her problem solver and she was using me as a self-esteem booster and “therapist.”

Whenever we went out, I noticed she was so EXTRA and always needed to be the center of attention. STRIKE ONE!! I do NOT relate to attention-seeking women in any way, shape or form. I was starting to dislike her behavior and her character, but I brushed it off as something small. Well, it became so much bigger!! Addy took things to the next level by having one of her friends join us for a happy hour meet up. She didn’t ask me if I was fine with her friend joining us.   She told me about this friend as the friend is pulling up to the restaurant.  STRIKE TWO!! This was a clear indication that she did NOT respect me.

I brushed it off because I was at a phase in my life where I didn’t want to let something like that ruin my night, and I was trying to elevate above nonsense.  However, I peeped what she was doing low key.  Her lack of character was shining through at this point.  It wasn’t until later that I found out that her friend was currently dating one of my exes.  I knew this friend was dating someone I had dated years prior because his name came up in a conversation and she told me about her friend dating him a few months before so I knew she had a friend who was dating him; however, I didn’t know this person’s name or who she was.  I totally brushed it off because I didn’t care. I felt like she was playing me for a fool after finding out what her true reason for inviting her friend.

After meeting this friend, I knew Addy was being MESSY AF by having her friend and me in the same space.  It was at that moment, I felt setup, and her actions showed me that she was NOT my friend or the type of woman that belongs in my tribe.   I didn’t make an issue of it because this was an ex from YEARS ago and I had zero feelings for him and could care less who he was dating – my feelings about her actions were based solely on principle.

Honestly, I actually liked his new girlfriend. She was cool, down to earth and I most likely would have hung out with her again.

It wasn’t until I ended that friendship where all of Addy’s actions clicked and made sense as to who she is at her core. I replayed all of the scenarios that occurred that led to the demise of the friendship and there was a STRIKE THREE, but I will spare you the details. Strikes one and two were enough!

When I look back at that friendship, I realized that I was once again, showing up as a friend to someone who was incapable of doing the same for me. Was I perfect? NO! I own the fact that I didn’t set boundaries in my friendships, I was too accessible, and I should have had discussions with this person and let them know how their actions were affecting me. Instead, I allowed it to slide as it continued to happen over and over again. Addy was having some personal issues, but I couldn’t allow her issues to impact my life to the point where I was accepting being disrespected and disregarded for the sake of being a good friend.

I learned a valuable lesson about myself. I learned that I control the outcomes of my friendships and I don’t have to support the betterment of others at my expense. I can walk away guilt-free, and that is what I did.  I walked away.  No drama, no nasty exchange of words.  I cut that chick off!!

Photo cred: Blacksportsonline.com

I wanted to punch Addy in her face once she crossed me for the last time and a less reserved woman may have done so, but I knew that my absence would hit harder than my punch. 

There’s so much peace in walking away from situations that don’t serve you.  You don’t have to feel bad about doing what is best for you and your well-being. What I have learned is that some people don’t have the tools to be good friends. They haven’t done their work. The same way I had to do the work and deal with my unhealed trauma, Addy had not done the same.  Addy doesn’t know how to be a good friend, and I mean that in all sincerity – not as a dig.  She has unhealed trauma as well, and when I consider that, I can extend some grace to her knowing that everybody hasn’t done their work, so they don’t have the life tools to be and do better.  However, I couldn’t continue being her emotional punching bag and support system while her actions and behaviors weighed negatively on me.  I had to set myself free for the shackles of feeling indebted to helping others at my expense.

Surround yourself people who push you to do better, support your goals, listen to you, motivate you and most importantly, reciprocate.  These are your people, your TRIBE!

In closing, I say all of this to say, walk away from things that don’t serve you. We waste so much time on people who don’t deserve us and share space with us. I’m not better than anybody, but I darn sure not the lesser, and I will NOT go through life treated as less than when I know my worth!! You will still attract those who want to leech off of your kindness, loyalty, all of the things that make you a great person, but it is up to you to decide if they belong in your circle.

What do you need to walk away from so you can be free? Share your thoughts.

Until next time,

XOXO
The Honest Aquarian

How This Week’s Social Media Glitch Led Me to Self-Care.

If you were active on social media at any capacity on Wednesday, then you may have noticed the Facebook and Instagram glitch. I updated the Instagram app earlier that morning and immediately saw issues posting on Facebook as well as viewing and posting photos on Instagram. I found myself repeatedly trying to post Instastories to no avail, and restarting my phone. I figured the powers that be would fix the issue in no time, and it would be business as usual.

WRONG!

It was a full day before Instagram and Facebook were back to normal. I learned a lot about myself during my inadvertent social media fast – I WAS ACTUALLY MORE PRODUCTIVE! I have taken social media fasts before, but there is something about being powerless and at the mercy of the social media gawds. I didn’t panic. I didn’t get agitated by the loss of connection to this virtual world that has been a part of my daily routine. I embraced it. There is an incredible level of peace that comes from disconnecting from the Internet and tuning into yourself. I felt more present and mindful of my surroundings.

While others may have panicked or had a negative response about the social media downtime, I chose to connect with myself and my environment. In a moment of pure transparency, I felt the need to take more time off, but I didn’t. I got sucked back in once I saw that everything was back up and running. I noticed that when I spend too much time on social media, I am tense, stressed or anxious.

Social media is a conglomerate of thirst-trap photos, attention-seeking behaviors, cute baby photos, pregnancy/wedding/engagement announcements, oversharing, relationship drama, and it can be an overload to our senses. Don’t get me wrong, I love reading posts and seeing pictures of friends and loved ones sharing positive moments in their lives but sometimes it can be downright overwhelming.  The way my mind is set up, too much information sends me into a mental frenzy.  Several studies document the adverse effect that social media has on users and it isn’t hard to deduce why!

Photo cred: self.com

I challenge you to take some time to disconnect from social media and reconnect with yourself. It can be a simple as taking one day a week to disconnect from technology (within your control) and connect with yourself and indulge in self-care, read a book, connect with nature, connect with God/spirituality, meditation, the options are endless. I genuinely believe that social media has in some way disconnected us from humanity, and that disconnection ties to the negativity we often see online.

If this blog was a call to action by any means, it would be to disconnect to reconnect with yourself.  There is so much power in mindfulness and having the ability to shut off external noise and distractions and be one with yourself.  TRY IT!!

Until next time…

xoxo

The Honest Aquarian

 

Why Does the Narcissist Always Get What They Want? The Myth Behind the Magic.

The narcissist always gets what they want.  They move on effortlessly to their next target, and suddenly they have the life they would never give to your – dream wedding, children, dream job, etc.  Meanwhile, you are picking up the pieces of the disaster of a relationship they ran away from with true cowardice.  STOP!! That kind of thinking is why we continuously remain in the vicious cycle of narcissistic abuse.  We hold on to the belief that they get what they want and we don’t.

What you need to understand is that narcissists are relationship predators.  They are fraudulent, and their intentions are not pure.  Narcissists gravitate to good people to break them down while making themselves feel empowered and in control. They must be in control of the relationship at all times. They are incredibly insecure which is why they expect their partners to coddle every one of their insecurities while they exploit their partner’s vulnerabilities without hesitation. From the outside, the narcissist puts up a pretty good front. They look like the model son, brother, father, husband, colleague. Narcissists are pretty darn good at what they do – up to a certain extent.

So why does the narcissist always get what they want? Why is it that the life they never gave to you, they freely give to someone else effortlessly?  That is easy to explain.  The narcissist isn’t treating the new person “better” per se . They are adjusting their script. They are mirroring the new person and like I mentioned in previous blogs, narcissists are chameleons.  They can switch things up depending on their environment. Narcissists are very charming, and they know how to make themselves look good in any circumstance but that doesn’t mean that they look good.   The narcissist will intentionally do things for their new partner that they wouldn’t do for you to make you feel badly.    This is why it is important you don’t look at their social media accounts!!  Ignorance is bliss!! We somehow convince ourselves that they are living a fabulous life without us. Here’s the thing a narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist! It doesn’t matter who they are with. They do enough to trap you into their web and then they change on you.  How is that treating someone better?

PS – The same way the narcissist wouldn’t do certain things for you, they won’t  do for their new partner.  So don’t focus and compare what the narcissist didn’t do for you and what they did for their new partner.  It is all a mind game.  Narcissists live their lives manipulating people and situations so no matter how much you try to make sense of their actions, it will NEVER make sense. 

Photo Cred: Thoughtcatalog.com

For empaths, it may seem like we don’t get what we want because we are always giving. We give in all of our relationships, and we want to help everybody. We are healers. Because of that, we attract people who need healing. This puts us into the danger zone of relationships, and unfortunately, this great attribute that we possess is exploited by people with bad intentions. This is why it may seem like we don’t get what want.  We are so busy giving to others that we rarely give to ourselves. I had to learn through my journey over the past couple of years, that in order to get what I want, I had to put myself first. Not in a selfish way, but I had to eliminate toxic people out of my life who were using my kindness for weakness.

Now, I can say I have what I want and that is peace! I have so much peace knowing that I am surrounded by the people who deserve to be in my space.  I NOW know that my presence is a gift and will only be shared with those who matter to me and treat me with love, kindness and respect.  That doesn’t mean emotional vampires  won’t come my way (because they have), it simply means I know how to follow my instincts when I see red flags and protect my peace.  I used to keep people around out of loyalty and take the good with the bad.  I am an Aquarius we are loyal to a fault!

Just because the narcissist gets what he or she wants, doesn’t mean they are winning. They have manipulated, love bombed and connived their way to get what they want. This is easy to do when you don’t feel remorse for hurting others and you convince yourself that what you are doing isn’t wrong. The narcissist wants you to believe they are winning.  The narcissist wants  you to think that you didn’t deserve their best but their new partner does.  Please do not give in to that type of negative self-talk.  DENOUNCE IT NOW!!!

Photo Cred: Audioage.com

I have learned that some people are more compatible in relationships than others which is why some relationships work out, and others don’t.  However, when it comes to the narcissist, that is not the case.  Nearly all of their relationships are disastrous.  Keep in mind that just because they are in a relationship, it doesn’t mean it is a healthy one.  It doesn’t necessarily mean their partners are happy.  Social media posts of pictures documenting their “soulmate” love and adoration for one another,  doesn’t mean that the grass is greener and they are a happy couple.  Narcissists are great pretenders and they know they are living a pretentious life and they are hoping nobody especially their partners figures them out so even if they are “happy” it isn’t true happiness.  Their relationship was built on the foundation of deceit, manipulation and lies.

The narcissist is the magician and their new life is the magic show.  Your life with them was a magic show to the person before you.   I remember being a kid and watching magicians  on television and in real-life at school carnivals perform a magic tricks.   I was amazed and excited as each magic trick was successfully pulled off without a hitch!  As far as I was concerned that had special powers and it was real.   It wasn’t until I was a little older when I realized that the magic shows I thought were real, were fake and the magician was someone mastered the art of illusion or read Magic Tricks for Dummies (Lol).  The narcissist has mastered the art of illusion and pulls off magic tricks throughout the entire relationship until you finally catch on.  The narcissist was the magician, and I was the kid at the magic show, amazed and excited by the narcissist’s magic tricks.

It took me some time to dismantle the belief that the person I was in love with was a narcissist and I was a pawn in his magic show.  He was skillful and crafty.  He was a master manipulator and intentional with everything he did. Don’t let the narcissist tell you that they didn’t mean to hurt you. They mean it and they love seeing your reaction every time they hurt you. “Why would someone do that?” you ask. They do it because they have convinced themselves that you did something wrong to them and you deserve their harsh punishment, maltreatment and verbal abuse. This is why they can sleep at night while you are awake in emotional pain and hurt by their actions. They play magic tricks on themselves too! They are delusional and unable to function with logic.

Once you realize that the narcissist is a magician and your time with them was merely a front row seat to the narcissist Siegfried and Roy-esque magic show, you will understand that it wasn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve that kind of treatment from someone who claimed to love you. Yes, it will hurt to know that the person you thought loved and cared about you only “loved” you because of what you could give to them and worked hard for their love while they reciprocated nothing; but you will heal and move forward with your life once you understand the narcissist mind and how they treat people. It has ZERO to do with you and your value. It is all about the narcissist, and how broken they are and the maladaptive behaviors hidden beneath their surface. They can adapt to their environments long enough to fool those around them, but behind the scenes, they show their maladaptive behaviors in full force.

When you make peace with your past and fully understand what happened during your time with the narcissist, make a vow to yourself to never participate in another “magic show” again.

I hope this helps!
Email me or comment below! I would love to hear from you! Until next time,
xoxo
The Honest Aquarian

Serena Williams is EVERY Black Woman in America: Existing While Being Black.

So here I am on a Saturday evening, scrolling through Instagram and I see videos circulating of Serena Williams US Open match with Naomi Osaka. This isn’t out of the ordinary because I knew Serena was playing this weekend.  What I didn’t expect was to see mama go off on the chair umpire! I lived for ALL of it.  But let’s backtrack, I was not used to seeing Serena like this on the tennis court.  This Serena was FED UP!  The chair umpire accused her of ‘illegal coaching.’  Serena’s coach gave her the “thumbs up,” and the umpire interpreted that as him coaching her.  Serena explained to him that it wasn’t coaching at all, but the chair umpire was not hearing it.  That is when Serena lost it!  Although the chair umpire didn’t say she was a cheater, his call certainly implied it! Serena yelled out “I AM NOT A CHEATER!! I HAVE NEVER CHEATED, I WOULD RATHER LOSE!” She came back and demanded he apologizes to her.   There was something about that first “NEVER” that hit me so hard!  Tears of anger and frustration began to well up inside because I saw myself and countless other black women who have been wrongfully accused by simply for existing.  We are constantly under attack, and we never receive an apology.  Even when they know they are wrong, they never do the right thing and say “Hey my bad.  I’m sorry.” They move on and expect us to GET OVER IT! When I say “they”  I am referring to America.

Watching Serena plead to the umpire and pretty much in tears hurt me to my core and I wanted to fight – like windmill that chair umpire straight up out of that chair! LOL! Seriously, it was hard to watch.  I can vividly recall all of the times I have been put in the hot seat in the workplace or in other white spaces and ignored, spoken down to, disrespected, belittled and expected not to respond or show disappointment, frustration or speak up on the offense.  Black women and suffering go hand and hand as far as White America is concerned.  I can vividly recall countless times I was depicted as the angry Black woman in situations where I felt violated, but because the other person was White, they got a pass.  Black women in America (and all over the world) have in some way shape or form experienced this type of backlash when it comes to expressing ourselves when society wrongs us.

There is a target on Serena’s back. Why? She is a freaking bad@$$, she is Black excellence personified, AND she is a BLACK woman!! They hate how she dominates the tennis court, and since they can’t take that away from her, they come for her in other ways such as the one we saw this past weekend.  They started on her about her catsuit at the French Open and now this. Let’s be real. The global disdain for Black women is undeniable, and we see it every time they come for Serena or any Black woman with a public platform.

Black women are SUPPOSED to suffer, and when we do,  it is viewed as a normalcy, and nobody cares because we ALWAYS bounce back – hence the term STRONG BLACK WOMAN.  We take a licking and keep on ticking.  History shows the countless number of Black women who have fought for equality, equity and the right to merely exist.  Serena was darn near in tears pleading her case, and it was falling on deaf ears.  I know that there are rules to the game and rules must be followed but how many times have we watched white men AND women break the rules with little to no consequence? Please don’t get me started!

Even after the riff-raff between Serena and the chair umpire, she consoled the new champion Naomi Osaka who was visibly in tears. This is what I mean by Black women continually being subjected to pain and suffering while being expected to smile and be a good sport.  Yes, in life there will be challenges, and we have to pick ourselves up and stay positive but at whose expense?  When a white woman is hurt, America consoles her and she instantly becomes the poster child for sympathy and concern. The same situation that happened to Serena could have happened to a White woman, but the reaction towards the white woman would have been different.  American would have sympathized with her, called her a trailblazer for women’s rights and lifted her up high as the voice for women’s equality in sports.  When Black women are hurt, we are complaining, emotional,  angry and should “just move on”! I’m tired of it!

Serena is still the MVP regardless of the outcome. However, I will not take anything away from Naomi Osaka and her win. It is unfortunate that these two Black women were put in a terrible position and couldn’t enjoy the game, and do what they love in the spirit of healthy competition.  I wish they could have played the game without the controversy of the chair umpire using his power to oppress Serena. Call me crazy, but I also believe they are making an example of Serena due to Nike’s most recent Colin Kaepernick campaign. Serena like many other Black athletes wear Nike branding and White people are BIG mad, so I wouldn’t say my Nike theory isn’t too far-fetched.

Serena is one of my faves,  and I took this situation personally because I know what it feels like to be “existing while black” and never being enough in the eyes of White America.  Serena is every Black woman who has everything it takes and then some just for a seat at the table, only to be labeled angry, bitter, unsportsmanlike, disrespectful, emotional when faced with injustice. In the eyes of many, she should have played it safe and allowed the chair umpire to wrongfully accuse her of cheating oppose to her speaking up and defending herself.  Black women are TIRED!! We are done being the poster child for suffering and maltreatment.  We will continue to speak up and speak out against injustice whether America likes it or not!

What are your thoughts? Email me at thehonestaquarian@gmail.com.

Until next time,

XoXo

Friends – How Many of Us Have Them? A Conversation About Toxic Friendships & the Lost Sisterhood.

Okay so I must be honest, I love reality television. It is my guilty pleasure. One of my favorite reality television shows is Basketball Wives. OMG! I watch for entertainment purposes only, but I do realize that the constant display of destructive behaviors is not mentally healthy – even if it is for entertainment purposes (I own this!). After last week’s episode, I felt triggered. I will spare the details on the history of Basketball Wives and the destructive behaviors and friendships portrayed on this show.  That is not why I am here. I am here to discuss the lost Sisterhood and toxic friendships.

I vividly recall an argument I had with a life-long friend.  At that point in my life, I was passive-aggressive and extremely uncomfortable having serious conversations with my friends because – I truly valued my friendships, and I felt that confronting issues would change our friendship and I feared change. But, what I feared was being alone so I tolerated half @$$ friendships because it gave me some sense of validation in being able to say other people liked me besides my family.

Back to Basketball Wives. A couple of episodes ago, Tami told Shaunie about a rumor that she was privy to about a year or so ago. The word on the streets was that Evelyn slept with Shaunie’s ex. Now the jury is still out on which ex. Some say “the ex” is Shaquille O’Neal or fine @$$ Marlon (he portrayed D.O.C. in the hit movie Straight Outta Compton).  In last week’s episode and Twitter research, it appears that Shaq is the ex in question.  Either way, it was awkward to see it all play out. VERY AWKWARD!! Long story short, the rumor wasn’t true and it made up solely because two women who were in a 20 year friendship stopped speaking and one of them took the vengeful route to get back at the other.   I use this example as a preface for my thoughts on the lost Sisterhood.

Last week’s episode brought me back to the many incidents with so-called friends who would do and say things that did not reflect what I felt was a genuine and loyal friendship.  It was more about one-sided competition and jealousy.   I’m not saying all women behave in this manner because they don’t.   I hate making gender-based generalizations, but far too often this is the result of relationships among women…the Sisterhood.  I admire women who have lifelong friendships that withstood the test of time.  Their girlfriends are their bridesmaids at their weddings, Godmothers to their children, give without expectations,  and embody the true essence of Sisterhood.  As I reflect, I realize that my views and behaviors in my friendships were nothing short of martyrdom.

I didn’t understand why I was the one who was left disappointed or rationalizing poor behaviors from the people I thought had my best interest at heart. It wasn’t until years later that I realized that everyone you call a friend is NOT your friend.  Just like romantic relationships, individuals enter friendships with baggage.  That baggage shows up in some way, shape or form. I wanted to fix everything and felt responsible for the happiness of those who I was in a friendship with, but I always ended up frustrated and mad. Why did I give more than I received? I would NEVER try to flirt with my friend’s significant other or try to push up on a guy I knew that my friend showed interest.  It just wasn’t in me! My integrity wouldn’t allow me to do that to my friend-my sister. However, I couldn’t say the same.

What happened to the sisterhood? Why are we so quick to cut our sisters off when they wrong us?  Why do we talk about each other to the next friend, instead of having open and honest conversations with each other?  For the sake of argument, I am using the term “we.” I know this doesn’t apply to all women.   Reality TV shows are not a good example of sisterhood. Although most of it is for entertainment purposes, look at the footage that these individuals display on these shows – it is typically cattiness, messy situations, and DRAMA!  The powers that be on these reality tv shows know that is what their audience gravitates to and want to see.  We bare witness to the dynamics of tight friendships dismantled before our eyes.  It’s unsettling to say the least.

I recall a situation with a former friend.  We were building a friendship. When I met this individual, I thought she was a lot of fun and easy-going.  Over a years time we hung out, and DM’d each other every day.  However, something inside was telling me that this friendship was not a good fit for me.  As time went on, I noticed some toxic behaviors on this person’s end.  I was in a different place in my life so I had to walk away from that friendship.  This person had a lot of drama going on in her life, and I was there for her.  I was listening to her problems day in and day out, but when it came to me talking about myself, it was crickets, and suddenly, she had to log off.  I was tired of it, and I had to see the situation for what it was.  I set healthy boundaries for myself, I could no longer entertain one-sided friendships.   I felt that I was merely a sounding board for this person because I listened to her, gave her advice, but she didn’t have to give anything in return.  I was a prop for her self-esteem and validation.  It was clear to me that she was in heavy competition with me.   It was that type of behavior that I had to remove myself from and surround myself with people who I felt valued me for who I was, not for what I had to offer them.   Self-love had kicked into high gear at this point.  I was done entertaining unfulfilling friendships and I decided to do something about it.  There are some sisters that we have to love from a distance.  Their destructive/toxic behaviors are a disruption to your peace, and quite frankly, my peace is more important than anything!

In conclusion, uncomfortable conversations are necessary for the Sisterhood.  We must be okay with being vulnerable and willing to see ourselves first and the role we play in our friendships.  Uncomfortable conversations are necessary for growth!  I had to have several of these conversations last year.  Those conversations helped me grow tremendously.  Once we own our stuff, we see situations for what they are and not what we want them to be.  Nobody is perfect, but true friendship is accepting someone for who they are without trying to change them into being who we feel they should be. It’s okay to walk away from friendships that no longer serve you. What I mean by that is, as we grow and mature, we see life differently.   Sometimes people grow apart and sometimes it is merely a conflict in values that breaks up the friendship.

Once I was aware of my toxic behaviors, I understood why I attracted the people in my life that were toxic too.  I may not have flirted with any of their boyfriends, but I would say some pretty harsh things when I was mad, or wouldn’t speak up about issues that concerned me.  As a Sisterhood, we must be responsible for our behaviors as well as speaking up when problems arise.  We MUST hold each other accountable while also showing love and compassion when our sister is not at her best.  Sisterhood is complimenting your sister who is doing a good job, supporting her business, co-signing her dreams, and speaking truth to every situation with full transparency.  The Sisterhood doesn’t mean we will always get along and in some cases, you may have to love your sister from a distance, but at the end of the day, you integrity remains intact and you don’t tell your sister’s deepest and darkest secrets when you are mad at her. The Sisterhood can be saved, and there is a shift (a good one) happening within the Sisterhood, but we still have work to do.

Let me know what you think! Feel free to post your comments on this topic.  I would love to hear from you!

Until next time,
The Honest Aquarian
XOXO

Living My Life Like It’s Golden: 8 Ways to Live Your Best Life!

Last week I was in paradise! I was vacationing in Aruba, and it was nothing short of amazing! I had the opportunity to share this moment with a group of great people – my family, and I couldn’t have asked for a better group of individuals to travel with.  As we know, a family that travels together doesn’t always stay together. LOL!  I digress.

Aruba reminded me of how blessed I was to be able to experience such a beautiful island, soak up some sun (I got sunburned in the process, but it was worth it) and sit on the ocean shore having girl talk with the Wine-ohs.  Life is good I thought to myself.  Here I am in my 40s and finally living my best life.  Living your best life is not the same for everyone.  For me, it is living my life unapologetically, being genuinely happy, spiritually connected with God and at peace with myself and doing what I love.  As I mentioned earlier, it took me until I was 40 to start living my best life.  Let’s cut to the chase!  Here are 8 ways to live your best life!

1. Be grateful.  I have learned to be thankful despite what may be happening around me. For example, on my way back home from Aruba, I was stranded at the airport in Miami and what was supposed to be a same-day flight back home from Aruba turned into a 2-day journey.  I will spare the details but know it was NOT pretty. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack and felt so helpless. The staff at American Airlines were not helpful, and I didn’t like the feeling of not having control of what was happening to me. I had to stop myself from inner-panic and be grateful. It was hard, but my cousin and I kept reminding each other that there was nothing we could do and this situation was entirely out of our hands. I kept telling myself to find opportunities to be grateful despite the circumstance. Being grateful helped me to remain calm, and it definitely taught me how to be patient.

2. Let go of the past. For me to live my best life, I had to let go of the past.  I had to let go of the people who hurt me as well as forgiving myself for hurting others.  I had to reconcile my past. That meant facing some uncomfortable moments in my childhood, young adulthood, and adulthood. Letting go of my past was something that I had to do to move forward and be happy. Letting go of past intimate relationships where I felt wronged or betrayed was a major key to happiness for me.  Those relationships no longer served me, and they ended for a reason so there was no reason to hold on to any hurt or ill will towards anyone.  There were some friendships  I had to let go of but the events that took place in those friendships would replay in my mind.  I had to release those people and wish them well from afar. I had to let go and move on.

3. Never minimize yourself to make others comfortable. One of the greatest lessons I had to learn was to stop reducing myself to make others feel comfortable. I used to downplay my intelligence and abilities in all of my relationships.  I used to shrink myself to make my partners feel better about themselves – being careful not to talk about my accomplishments too much because I didn’t want to be a threat to their masculinity.  In my friendships, I would downplay my skills and talents because I didn’t want to come off arrogant or better than the next person.  This mindset was also evident in my work relationships.  I dare not talk about my degrees because I didn’t want my colleagues to take it the wrong way or ostracize me more than they already had!  I finally realized that I am NOT responsible for how others feel.  I am very proud of my accomplishments and I should NEVER feel like I need to shrink myself to make others feel big.

4. Your presence is a gift. I am stingy when it comes to who I engage and spend time with now.  I used to give myself freely to people who did not appreciate or take advantage of me and my time.  I was left feeling drained and empty.   As a result, I was upset and resentful.  By nature, I am a giving person, and I love to help people, but as I have grown, I learned that I am not obligated to help everyone.  I am allowed to be stingy with my time, and as a practice of self-care, I don’t give my time or advice to everybody just because they require it of me.

5. Stop apologizing for how you feel. PERIOD. There is nothing worse than someone who undermines another person’s feelings just because they don’t feel the same way.  You are entitled to feel how you feel despite the fact others may not feel the same way.  I used to downplay the feelings and emotions of other people because I didn’t feel the same way.  I felt threatened and that if someone felt differently than me, then something was wrong with me.   I no longer apologize for how I feel and I accept the fact that despite the fact that someone may feel differently than me, doesn’t mean their feelings are not valid. Now, I articulate my feelings with maturity and with the understanding that I am responsible for my feelings – nobody else.

6. Self-care is non-negotiable.  It is perfectly fine to say no to requests from people to show up to an event, fulfill a favor,  etc.  Self care means taking a day off from a busy schedule to focus on your body and knowing when it needs rest.  I own my own business, work a full-time job,  pursuing my doctorate full-time, blog and co-host two podcasts.  I used to feel bad about being idle at home and taking time out for rest and relaxation.  I felt like I was being a slacker.  WRONG!  We live in a society that has pushed the narrative that we have to work ourselves to a pulp in order to feel accomplished.  That is not true.  I have a rule for myself when it comes to my business.  I don’t work past 8pm.  I refuse to be #teamnosleep and running on empty to validate my entrepreneurial grind.  When I feel overwhelmed with school or anything that requires  a lot of my attention, I close shop, go to bed and start over in the morning!  That may not work for everyone, but it works for me.   Only you know what works best for you.

PS – I have also learned the value of time management and how to avoid getting myself into overwhelming situations due to procrastination. By practicing self-care, I prioritize and organize my day as much as I can (baby steps) which helps eliminate the need to over exert myself trying to do EVERYTHING!

7. Never make assumptions. The book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz discusses the power of not making assumptions.  I swear this book changed my life! Whenever I find myself making assumptions about people and situations, I stop myself and unpack the assumption. What do I know to be correct about the assumption? If I can’t find any factual information about the assumption, I drop it and leave it alone.  It is so easy to make assumptions about a person or situation (especially with social media), and yet be the farthest from the truth!  Here you are creating a story about someone or a situation, possibly driving yourself crazy over something you don’t even know to be true! Your time and energy should be better spent on other things that bring value to your life. Trust me!

8. Be kind. I have said this before in previous blogs. Kindness goes a long way, and it took maturity and going through some rough patches to understand the power of compassion. We are living in crazy times, and unfortunately, the leader of the free world is using his platform to spew hate speech and treat other humans who don’t look like him as if they are less than human. Social media exacerbates this negativity to no end.  Kindness is needed right now, and I have learned that I don’t have to reduce myself to being callous and mistreating others just because others choose to live their lives in that manner.

There are many ways to live your best life.  This life was given to you for you to live.  Live it to the fullest!!

Until next time,
XOXO – The Honest Aquarian

When the Trash Takes Itself Out: Don’t Take It Personally!

Occasionally, I peacefully reflect on my past dating relationships. I reflect on them because I love reminding myself how far I have come as a person and the positive changes I have made over the past year and a half.   I used the word “peacefully” because there was a time when reflecting on my past was painful.  There were many unhealed wounds, and the very thought of those relationships created a whirlwind of negative thoughts that resulted in anger, disappointment, and wanting revenge. Each time I reflect on my past relationships, I gain new insight about those relationships or learn something new about myself. It is amazing what time does for us.

When I reflect on certain moments, and people from my past I remind myself that those disappointments were all apart of my journey and had they never happened, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I tell myself that the people who are no longer in my life are where they are supposed to be and I likewise. There is no need to wish them back into my life or for an ex to have a self-awakening experience, pick up the phone and tell me how much they still love me and miss me. I no longer needed their post-breakup validation to feel worthy or wanted. The validation I was seeking from my exes I found within myself.

Self-validation was the puzzle piece that I spent years trying to fit it where it didn’t belong. I tried to force it on others who appeared to be the right fit for this puzzle piece, but later I found out that the missing piece to the puzzle was me. It took isolation, rejection, and brokenness to complete this puzzle of self-validation. It all happened after the trash took itself out.

So what do I mean by trash? Trash can be abusive partners, disloyal friends, toxic family members, etc. I am not calling anyone trash; I am calling their toxic behaviors trash. PS: Sometimes we are the trash in our lives and need to take those toxic behaviors within ourselves to the trashcan and leave it outside for good. Let’s keep it real!

When I reflect on my past bad relationships that I endorsed over and over, and how the people I was in these relationships with would move on effortlessly to the next only to marry and start families with them, I used to take that as something was wrong with me. I used to internalize their actions as a reflection of me not being good enough. It was during my time of isolation that stirred up the motivation I needed to change. I was done making their sh!t about me. I had to take the trash out once and for all!

I told myself that the action or inaction of someone had ZERO to do with me. Exes moving on to someone new immediately after a breakup did not mean that I wasn’t worthy of love or  that I didn’t deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.  I had to remind myself of this A LOT!  So often men and women tie their self-worth to the thoughtless and selfish actions of their exes because they feel like if their ex could move on so quickly, he or she never loved them or they start comparing themselves to the new person. What you MUST understand is that people do all kinds of things to minimize the blows of breakups when they are on the rebound. You can’t take any of that on as your issue or that is has anything to do with you. I had to break it down and remind myself that no man with any integrity, honesty or self-worth will start a new relationship immediately after leaving an old one, still maintain contact with his ex while in this “new” relationship, under the guise of being a self-proclaimed “good man.” Mark my words and please trust me when I tell you that it is not about you at all. Stop internalizing trash and allowing it to be the barometer of  your self-worth.

Sidenote: I had to keep things in perspective and be honest with myself and realize that my unhealed wounds were manifesting in my relationships which played a role in how my relationships played out.  I was attracting toxic people because I was toxic. Two toxic, unhealed individuals will NEVER have a great relationship with anybody for that matter! It wasn’t until I acknowledged this and accepted responsibility for my role in how things played out. I may not have lied or cheated on my partners, but I darn sure had my issues and was a major drama queen! We must take full responsibility for our actions in our relationships. Point. Blank. Period.

Whether the trash takes itself out or you take it out, understand that it is a blessing and you will notice that the trajectory of your life will immediately change for the better. You have to put in the work. There is no magic wand or special potion. Motivation, determination, prayer and the will to move past the hurt is the starter kit to moving forward. It is up to you to decide how you want to live your life after the trash takes itself out. Once the “trash” is gone, make a vow to yourself to NEVER go back. Imagine going back inside of a trash bag filled with everything you have thrown away and later rummaging  through it to retrieve something in it. It’s disgusting, isn’t it? It isn’t worth the hassle, and you would be better off replacing what you lost with something better! See where this is going?

When the trash takes itself out, it is God’s way of paving the way for better things ahead. Initially, it may feel like you will never move past the hurt and pain, but eventually, with time, you will come to realize that the trash taking itself out was the best thing that could ever happen to you.  Remember, that self-validation is the only validation!

XOXO

The Honest Aquarian