Okay so I must be honest, I love reality television. It is my guilty pleasure. One of my favorite reality television shows is Basketball Wives. OMG! I watch for entertainment purposes only, but I do realize that the constant display of destructive behaviors is not mentally healthy – even if it is for entertainment purposes (I own this!). After last week’s episode, I felt triggered. I will spare the details on the history of Basketball Wives and the destructive behaviors and friendships portrayed on this show. That is not why I am here. I am here to discuss the lost Sisterhood and toxic friendships.
I vividly recall an argument I had with a life-long friend. At that point in my life, I was passive-aggressive and extremely uncomfortable having serious conversations with my friends because – I truly valued my friendships, and I felt that confronting issues would change our friendship and I feared change. But, what I feared was being alone so I tolerated half @$$ friendships because it gave me some sense of validation in being able to say other people liked me besides my family.
Back to Basketball Wives. A couple of episodes ago, Tami told Shaunie about a rumor that she was privy to about a year or so ago. The word on the streets was that Evelyn slept with Shaunie’s ex. Now the jury is still out on which ex. Some say “the ex” is Shaquille O’Neal or fine @$$ Marlon (he portrayed D.O.C. in the hit movie Straight Outta Compton). In last week’s episode and Twitter research, it appears that Shaq is the ex in question. Either way, it was awkward to see it all play out. VERY AWKWARD!! Long story short, the rumor wasn’t true and it made up solely because two women who were in a 20 year friendship stopped speaking and one of them took the vengeful route to get back at the other. I use this example as a preface for my thoughts on the lost Sisterhood.
Last week’s episode brought me back to the many incidents with so-called friends who would do and say things that did not reflect what I felt was a genuine and loyal friendship. It was more about one-sided competition and jealousy. I’m not saying all women behave in this manner because they don’t. I hate making gender-based generalizations, but far too often this is the result of relationships among women…the Sisterhood. I admire women who have lifelong friendships that withstood the test of time. Their girlfriends are their bridesmaids at their weddings, Godmothers to their children, give without expectations, and embody the true essence of Sisterhood. As I reflect, I realize that my views and behaviors in my friendships were nothing short of martyrdom.
I didn’t understand why I was the one who was left disappointed or rationalizing poor behaviors from the people I thought had my best interest at heart. It wasn’t until years later that I realized that everyone you call a friend is NOT your friend. Just like romantic relationships, individuals enter friendships with baggage. That baggage shows up in some way, shape or form. I wanted to fix everything and felt responsible for the happiness of those who I was in a friendship with, but I always ended up frustrated and mad. Why did I give more than I received? I would NEVER try to flirt with my friend’s significant other or try to push up on a guy I knew that my friend showed interest. It just wasn’t in me! My integrity wouldn’t allow me to do that to my friend-my sister. However, I couldn’t say the same.
What happened to the sisterhood? Why are we so quick to cut our sisters off when they wrong us? Why do we talk about each other to the next friend, instead of having open and honest conversations with each other? For the sake of argument, I am using the term “we.” I know this doesn’t apply to all women. Reality TV shows are not a good example of sisterhood. Although most of it is for entertainment purposes, look at the footage that these individuals display on these shows – it is typically cattiness, messy situations, and DRAMA! The powers that be on these reality tv shows know that is what their audience gravitates to and want to see. We bare witness to the dynamics of tight friendships dismantled before our eyes. It’s unsettling to say the least.
I recall a situation with a former friend. We were building a friendship. When I met this individual, I thought she was a lot of fun and easy-going. Over a years time we hung out, and DM’d each other every day. However, something inside was telling me that this friendship was not a good fit for me. As time went on, I noticed some toxic behaviors on this person’s end. I was in a different place in my life so I had to walk away from that friendship. This person had a lot of drama going on in her life, and I was there for her. I was listening to her problems day in and day out, but when it came to me talking about myself, it was crickets, and suddenly, she had to log off. I was tired of it, and I had to see the situation for what it was. I set healthy boundaries for myself, I could no longer entertain one-sided friendships. I felt that I was merely a sounding board for this person because I listened to her, gave her advice, but she didn’t have to give anything in return. I was a prop for her self-esteem and validation. It was clear to me that she was in heavy competition with me. It was that type of behavior that I had to remove myself from and surround myself with people who I felt valued me for who I was, not for what I had to offer them. Self-love had kicked into high gear at this point. I was done entertaining unfulfilling friendships and I decided to do something about it. There are some sisters that we have to love from a distance. Their destructive/toxic behaviors are a disruption to your peace, and quite frankly, my peace is more important than anything!
In conclusion, uncomfortable conversations are necessary for the Sisterhood. We must be okay with being vulnerable and willing to see ourselves first and the role we play in our friendships. Uncomfortable conversations are necessary for growth! I had to have several of these conversations last year. Those conversations helped me grow tremendously. Once we own our stuff, we see situations for what they are and not what we want them to be. Nobody is perfect, but true friendship is accepting someone for who they are without trying to change them into being who we feel they should be. It’s okay to walk away from friendships that no longer serve you. What I mean by that is, as we grow and mature, we see life differently. Sometimes people grow apart and sometimes it is merely a conflict in values that breaks up the friendship.
Once I was aware of my toxic behaviors, I understood why I attracted the people in my life that were toxic too. I may not have flirted with any of their boyfriends, but I would say some pretty harsh things when I was mad, or wouldn’t speak up about issues that concerned me. As a Sisterhood, we must be responsible for our behaviors as well as speaking up when problems arise. We MUST hold each other accountable while also showing love and compassion when our sister is not at her best. Sisterhood is complimenting your sister who is doing a good job, supporting her business, co-signing her dreams, and speaking truth to every situation with full transparency. The Sisterhood doesn’t mean we will always get along and in some cases, you may have to love your sister from a distance, but at the end of the day, you integrity remains intact and you don’t tell your sister’s deepest and darkest secrets when you are mad at her. The Sisterhood can be saved, and there is a shift (a good one) happening within the Sisterhood, but we still have work to do.
Let me know what you think! Feel free to post your comments on this topic. I would love to hear from you!
Until next time,
The Honest Aquarian
XOXO
The Honest Aquarian 