In my research, the same reoccurring question I come across is how to break free from narcissistic abuse. The first answer, you have to want to be free. The challenging part is actually breaking free. What most people don’t understand is that narcissistic relationships are especially hard to break from because of the trauma bond. A trauma bond is an unhealthy form of attachment created between the narcissist and their victim through repeated cycles of abuse or traumatic experiences. The victim internalizes this repeated pattern of abuse and learns to appease their abuser to receive the love they have always wanted. This is how narcissists gain the upper hand in their relationships. You won’t see this side of them until after the love-bombing/idealization phase, which is typically the first 3-6 months of the relationship.
As I tell people all of the time, breaking up with a narcissist is not a typical breakup. It is quite devastating and painful to detach from them and disassociate yourself from the damage they have caused. That is why so many victims of narcissistic abuse have a more difficult time separating from the narcissist. What’s worse is that social media has created a platform for narcissists to showcase their new ill-gotten relationship while also dangling a carrot over your head, trying to lure you back into their trap.
I created a list of five proven steps towards healing from a narcissistic breakup. I encourage you to implement these steps in your journey of recovery. These methods work with determination, motivation, accountability, and support.
#1 – No contact. To break free from the narcissist, you have to go entirely off the grid. Block them on all social media, your phone, and if you have mutual friends with the narcissist, tell them you do not want to hear from or about the narcissist. This will be challenging, but the more time that goes by, the better it will be. Stay busy and create a healthy support system and accountability partner(s) to help you on the tough days. Narcissists don’t like it when you ignore them or break up with them, so they will pursue you, hoping that you will give in and take them back so they can abuse you again. Please don’t fall for it! No matter how charming and kind they are, it’s a ploy to hurt you again.
If you have children with the narcissist, the grey rock method is helpful. The grey rock method is when the individual is non-responsive (like a rock) to the narcissist’s tactics. The individual is emotionally detached, and eventually, the narcissist becomes bored and uninterested. This method is not a guarantee that the narcissist won’t keep trying to lure you in with their tactics. Still, it can eliminate arguments, blame-shifting, and unnecessary back and forth between the individual and the narcissist. I will discuss the grey rock method in more detail on a future blog.
#2 – Stay off Social media. Deactivate your social media accounts for the first few weeks of no contact (or as long as you deem necessary). This is helpful for a few reasons. For one, it is a much needed mental break to help you get back to yourself and concentrate on what really matters-your emotional and spiritual well-being. It also helps eliminate the urge to look and see what your ex is doing, and it creates another barrier to the ex trying to contact or hoover you during the most crucial time of your healing process. In many cases where the narcissist breaks up with the victim, it can be especially important to deactivate your social media.
The worst thing you can do is watch the narcissist flaunt their new relationship on social media – no matter how fake it is! Narcissists are incapable of having genuine and loving relationships, so they fake it until it is time to move on to the next. You deserve better, and as someone else said, every time you look at the narcissist’s social media, it’s like sticking your head in a toilet! Let that sink in.
#3 – Seek therapy. Victims of narcissistic abuse endure a lot of psychological torture at the hands of the narcissist, so it is crucial to seek out a qualified mental health counselor to undo the emotional abuse. Many employers offer EAP programs for their employees to utilize mental health services for a limited amount of time. If you can’t afford to see a therapist on an ongoing basis, and your employer offers an EAP program, I strongly encourage you to take advantage of that. Most of my healing work was accomplished through therapy. It helped me learn a lot about myself and rebuild my life more healthily.
#4 – Journal. Your journal will be your best friend during your healing process. Journaling is a great way to release stress, share your thoughts and feelings in a judgment-free space. Journaling is a mental brain dump where you can are free to heal and communicate your feelings. Perhaps there is something you want to get off of your chest to the narcissist (I highly recommend that you don’t address the narcissist face to face); you can write it down in your journal. I wrote everything down in my journal! When I look back on my journal and see my progress, I can’t help but be proud. When you write in your journal, be kind to yourself, be honest and transparent. It’s for YOU, nobody else. Own your feelings and allow yourself to feel.
#5 – Practice self-love. It’s hard to allow someone to treat you poorly when you value and love yourself. In many cases, the narcissist fills a void in the victim’s life. Lack of love and acceptance from a parent, low self-esteem, self-worth are all factors in why people enter into relationships with a narcissist (unknowingly). The narcissist’s fake admiration, charm, and love bombing often trap the victim into their dangerous web of abuse. Self-love is the antithesis of narcissism. Individuals who have self-love have boundaries. They don’t allow others to disrespect or mistreat them no matter who they are. Here’s the kicker, even the strongest, most confident, self-actualized individual can fall victim to a narcissist. That is where I come in – I tell you what to look for, so you don’t have to learn the hard way as I did. I dated a covert narcissist who is, in my opinion, the most dangerous. They wear masks and pretend to be great, charming, loving people who deep down inside are dark and calculating individuals who seek to destroy their victims using manipulation, gaslighting, and dishonesty.
I wish there were a magic wand, or I could click my stiletto heels, and the pain and hurt from narcissistic abuse would disappear for good, but that wouldn’t do any of us good. Pain tends to teach us a lesson. It’s a reminder of what not to do the next time. While some pain is unavoidable, there’s the pain we can avoid by making better decisions and recalling past experiences associated with that pain. There’s no specific remedy for overcoming narcissistic abuse. However, I feel like this list will be an excellent start for you. I have been where you have been, and I know that this journey is far from easy, but I made it through, so can you.
If you have any questions about narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder, send them to me, and I will address some of your questions in my next blog! Please email me at thehonestaquarian@gmail.com.
Until next time,
xoxo,
The Honest Aquarian
The Honest Aquarian 