In my moments of self-awareness, I think about the various relationships I have fostered throughout the years and the person I was while in those relationships. I spent a lot of time angry at the people I felt didn’t appreciate my friendship or my worth as a partner, but in reality, the only person I should be upset with is myself because I allowed it. I don’t beat myself up anymore. I recognize my role in those relationships with the understanding that I was not my best self and that a lot of unhealed trauma was manifesting in those relationships.
One thing about me is that I am a fun person to be around, I am comical which is always a plus, supportive, loyal, and you can trust me with your deepest and darkest secrets. I listen well and offer pretty d@mn good advice. What I didn’t know then is that those same qualities attracted certain people in my life. I always drew people who needed help – like therapist help. It is one thing to be a friend who gives advice, but these friends required professional help. I was a proxy so they would dump all of their problems on me and then I felt it was my duty (as a friend) to solve their problems.
Meanwhile, in some of these friendships, whenever I wanted to talk to them about my trials and tribulations, I was met with a brick wall, one-word responses, lack of interest or subject change. It was very frustrating, and I harbored a lot of resentment as a result. That resentment led to distance and then BOOM, I go off, and we are no longer friends. Looking back that was not the appropriate response. It wasn’t their fault. It was my fault. I allowed them to dump their problems on me with no requirement of them as a friend to reciprocate. I failed to have open and honest conversations and continued to partake in these one-sided partnerships. I let these individuals treat me as a one-stop-shop for friendships, and it showed me how I honestly felt about myself.
2018 was the year that I was no longer going to be that same person. I was going through some tough times and those tough times were transforming me into the new and improved person that I needed to be. I was continuously doing the work, loving on myself and no longer tolerating half – @$$ friendships or relationships. I spent too much time giving friends and romantic partners the best of me, while I received the least from them. There was a young lady (let’s call her “Addy”), that I had met a couple of years ago and we clicked at a mutual friends party. Initially, Addy was a lot of fun and overall what I deemed to be a cool person to be around and share good times. But over time I began to notice red flags. I quickly recognized that I was her problem solver and she was using me as a self-esteem booster and “therapist.”
Whenever we went out, I noticed she was so EXTRA and always needed to be the center of attention. STRIKE ONE!! I do NOT relate to attention-seeking women in any way, shape or form. I was starting to dislike her behavior and her character, but I brushed it off as something small. Well, it became so much bigger!! Addy took things to the next level by having one of her friends join us for a happy hour meet up. She didn’t ask me if I was fine with her friend joining us. She told me about this friend as the friend is pulling up to the restaurant. STRIKE TWO!! This was a clear indication that she did NOT respect me.
I brushed it off because I was at a phase in my life where I didn’t want to let something like that ruin my night, and I was trying to elevate above nonsense. However, I peeped what she was doing low key. Her lack of character was shining through at this point. It wasn’t until later that I found out that her friend was currently dating one of my exes. I knew this friend was dating someone I had dated years prior because his name came up in a conversation and she told me about her friend dating him a few months before so I knew she had a friend who was dating him; however, I didn’t know this person’s name or who she was. I totally brushed it off because I didn’t care. I felt like she was playing me for a fool after finding out what her true reason for inviting her friend.
After meeting this friend, I knew Addy was being MESSY AF by having her friend and me in the same space. It was at that moment, I felt setup, and her actions showed me that she was NOT my friend or the type of woman that belongs in my tribe. I didn’t make an issue of it because this was an ex from YEARS ago and I had zero feelings for him and could care less who he was dating – my feelings about her actions were based solely on principle.
Honestly, I actually liked his new girlfriend. She was cool, down to earth and I most likely would have hung out with her again.
It wasn’t until I ended that friendship where all of Addy’s actions clicked and made sense as to who she is at her core. I replayed all of the scenarios that occurred that led to the demise of the friendship and there was a STRIKE THREE, but I will spare you the details. Strikes one and two were enough!
When I look back at that friendship, I realized that I was once again, showing up as a friend to someone who was incapable of doing the same for me. Was I perfect? NO! I own the fact that I didn’t set boundaries in my friendships, I was too accessible, and I should have had discussions with this person and let them know how their actions were affecting me. Instead, I allowed it to slide as it continued to happen over and over again. Addy was having some personal issues, but I couldn’t allow her issues to impact my life to the point where I was accepting being disrespected and disregarded for the sake of being a good friend.
I learned a valuable lesson about myself. I learned that I control the outcomes of my friendships and I don’t have to support the betterment of others at my expense. I can walk away guilt-free, and that is what I did. I walked away. No drama, no nasty exchange of words. I cut that chick off!!
I wanted to punch Addy in her face once she crossed me for the last time and a less reserved woman may have done so, but I knew that my absence would hit harder than my punch.
There’s so much peace in walking away from situations that don’t serve you. You don’t have to feel bad about doing what is best for you and your well-being. What I have learned is that some people don’t have the tools to be good friends. They haven’t done their work. The same way I had to do the work and deal with my unhealed trauma, Addy had not done the same. Addy doesn’t know how to be a good friend, and I mean that in all sincerity – not as a dig. She has unhealed trauma as well, and when I consider that, I can extend some grace to her knowing that everybody hasn’t done their work, so they don’t have the life tools to be and do better. However, I couldn’t continue being her emotional punching bag and support system while her actions and behaviors weighed negatively on me. I had to set myself free for the shackles of feeling indebted to helping others at my expense.
Surround yourself people who push you to do better, support your goals, listen to you, motivate you and most importantly, reciprocate. These are your people, your TRIBE!
In closing, I say all of this to say, walk away from things that don’t serve you. We waste so much time on people who don’t deserve us and share space with us. I’m not better than anybody, but I darn sure not the lesser, and I will NOT go through life treated as less than when I know my worth!! You will still attract those who want to leech off of your kindness, loyalty, all of the things that make you a great person, but it is up to you to decide if they belong in your circle.
What do you need to walk away from so you can be free? Share your thoughts.
Until next time,
XOXO
The Honest Aquarian
The Honest Aquarian 