I was on Facebook the other day and saw an article by a well-known blogger XO Necole. While perusing her content, I saw a blog post that caught my eye. The blog was titled ‘To His Mistress, Thank You for Saving Me from My Marriage’. I said to myself “Hmm…This should be quite interesting.” It was. In a nutshell, the writer discusses how her ex-husband’s mistress saved her from her toxic marriage. As I was reading, the light bulb went off in my head!
I spent most if not all of 2017 writing about my experience with the end of a long-term relationship and my ex-moving on with someone “new”. I told myself at the end of 2017 that I would stop making him and his new life the center point of my work. He isn’t worth it and I have moved on. So there is no point in rehashing that relationship. Writing about my last relationship was therapeutic, to say the least, but I knew it was time to move on. However, I know that there are women (and men) who read my blogs and share with me privately how much my blogs have helped them so although I choose not to directly focus on my last relationship; I will continue to write about these things because I know it gives others hope that they can move on. There is a difference between remaining stuck in the past and using your past to help others move forward.
After reading the blog, I realized that sometimes when infidelity occurs in relationships, the “other woman” is the enemy, the competition, home wrecker, among other things. Yes, initially I was upset because I felt like she took something from me that was mine. I said to myself ” How dare she take him and then flaunt him around effortlessly!” Three years of sacrifices, time and empty promises were gone and never to be brought to fruition.
So why am I here? I am here to have a discussion with you. See the new person is not the one with the prize. She didn’t win – You won! You are free from the pain and toxic behaviors of the person who claimed to love you. When it comes to the narcissist, you have won the gold medal of breakups and here’s why:
When the narcissist leaves they take their pain, manipulation and other toxic behaviors with them.
When the narcissist moves on after discarding you, he quickly moves on to a new relationship that he has most likely been fostering before the end of your relationship. He may tell you they just met her but narcissists are liars so don’t believe the hype. When narcissists enter into a “new” relationship it is love at first sight. Everything is blissful. But as time moves forward, she will start to notice little red flags. She will most likely disregard them because she is so in love and his Knight in Shining Armor facade has swept her off of her feet so his “dark side” is just him having a “bad day” or she will feel like it was her fault he is behaving poorly. Those bad days become more common and by this time, it’s too late. She is sucked in and utterly confused. How can someone who was once so awesome turn into this ugly monster? Daily conversations that used to be filled with I Love You’s, compliments and plans for nights out on the town will turn into accusations of infidelity, feeling unappreciated, devaluing, blame-shifting and silent treatment. I don’t miss ANY of that!
The new person will be triangulated.
FACT!!! If you read my blog a couple months ago about narcissism, I mention triangulation. This is a tactic narcissist use to create jealousy and insecurity within the new girlfriend. The narcissist is still communicating in some shape or form with their ex while telling the new girlfriend how crazy the ex girlfriend is and how she won’t leave them alone. Narcissists love drama and attention and just like that you are in a dramatic SZA My-Man- is-My-Man- is-Your-Man-I-Just-Got-Him-For-The-Weekend “threesome” that neither one of you signed up for.
The narcissist will intentionally tell the new girlfriend negative things about the ex so she will feel the need to compete and outdo the former in the areas where she “failed” him. Meanwhile, the narcissist is busy keeping the ex-girlfriend in the queue just in case he needs to come back for supply. The narcissist does not always triangulate the new person with the ex-girlfriend (most of the time they do). Sometimes it is a coworker, a family member, social media whores models. You name it. Narcissists are relentless when it comes to triangulation because they NEED constant attention. Stirring up jealousy within the new girlfriend and keep the ex around is exactly how they get it!
The new person will NEVER be happy once the narcissist mask permanently falls off.
The narcissist can only keep up their act for so long before they completely dismantle the “good guy” act. Trust me. The gaslighting, blame-shifting, lack of empathy and manipulation will be a daily occurrence. God forbid you marry or have a child with the narcissist! It will be worse! The new partner who marries or bears the narcissist’s offspring is subjected to a life of misery. Babies are a blessing but they are even more of a blessing when you can co-parent with someone who is sane! Sidenote: Children are a badge of honor for the narcissist. They care about what the outside world thinks about them so having children/the ability to impregnate a woman is their way of showing us they are “special”, gain attention and most importantly that their swimmers can make it to the finish line. <<Insert petty clap>> The same applies to marriage. It is all a farce. Don’t be envious of any of the narcissist’s special life events with their new partner. You can see around the corner and you know what his new partner is getting. It won’t be pretty. Special life events that are typically happy and exciting are nothing more than a means of exerting more control over you when you are with a narcissist.
PS: Trust me when I tell you that a relationship built off of deception and lies never ends well. This is why you can’t envy the new girlfriend. Her relationship with the narcissist is no different than yours. She is YOU!
Trust me when I tell you, the new girlfriend isn’t winning. It is the only a matter of time she will be you. Do you celebrate her pain? No. You move on with your life and focus on what truly matters – YOU! All too often we worry about the narcissist treating the new supply better than they did us. Initially, yes they do treat her better. The things he would NEVER do for you, he suddenly does for her. I had to let go of that fallacy and understand that no matter how well he treats his new girlfriend, the fact still remains that he didn’t treat ME well and that is what matters. Stop comparing your life to the new girlfriend’s life. It’s like having your freedom but worried about a prisoner living a better life than you. Does that make any sense?
The narcissist will disappear if the new person provides the attention and supply that they crave.
I noticed that victims of narcissist abuse often seek closure from the narcissist. They want to know why the narcissist left them with no answers. They want to know if the narcissist will come back, if the narcissist really loved them, etc. Listen, Linda! None of that matters. Yes, the narcissist may stalk or hoover you to get your attention to suck you back into their web of crazy but don’t let that be a validation point for you. It’s not. It’s an ego booster for the narcissist and nothing more. The narcissist wants to see how you are doing and to see if you are still vulnerable and can be used for future supply. So if the narcissist comes back via text, email or social media, I have warned you. It is all so they can abuse you again. If the narcissist is not in your digital space, thank God almighty! That means more than likely the new supply is occupying their time and they no longer need you. Don’t feel bad about this because the narcissist doesn’t come back because they love you. They come back because they want supply from you. We have to dismantle the notion that narcissists truly loved and cared about us the way normal people love and care about someone. They don’t. Their love is unhealthy and toxic.
Karma eventually finds the narcissist.
I am sure you have heard “Karma doesn’t have an expiration date.” or “What goes around comes around.” I have found this to be very true. The narcissist knows what they are doing. They know they are hurting you and because they know what they are capable of, they don’t trust other people. They are constantly looking over their shoulder wondering when someone they have wronged is going to return the favor. They know they are manipulative and conniving so they are afraid that other people will do them the same way. So don’t fret, the narcissist is definitely getting what’s due to them. They live in constant torment – another reason why they don’t like to be alone. Don’t trouble yourself worrying about whether the narcissist will pay for the things they have done, they will. It doesn’t always happen when we want it to happen and it can take years when it finally does. What’s important is focusing on what makes you happy and living your best life. You will quickly notice how your life gets so much better once the narcissist is gone.
This blog is more than self-soothing anecdotes to remedy the pain of heartbreak. I wrote this blog to dismantle the fallacies that we hold on to when the narcissist is no longer in our lives and moves on to someone else. We create these stories in our head pondering the ex-narcissists new happy life without us. The narcissist is never happy. They wake up every day with a huge void and the only way to fill that void is to live a life intentionally hurting others. This is why they move on while still in a relationship with you. They need supply. They need attention. Once the narcissist gets tired of the new girlfriend, they will look for their next fix! Be grateful you are no longer in the cycle of abuse regardless of how “great” you think his new relationship is. The grass is NOT greener for the narcissist. It’s just better for the time being. OVERstand that the new girlfriend is no different than you. She will incur the same emotional abuse that was dealt to you. Once the narcissist gets tired of being the responsible boyfriend or husband he is going to repeat the cycle with someone else at some point in time.
You must move on!
I know it hurts moving on after being discarded by a narcissist but it is not the end of the world. I know you feel like the new girlfriend “won” or she is living the life you believed the narcissist was going to give to you but what the new girl has is the abuser who abused you, manipulated you, mistreated you and discarded you. Do you think he has changed in a matter of weeks…months? NO! He is still the same person he is with her. The narcissist is a chameleon and can easily adapt to their victims. Some victims are easier to manipulate some a little harder but trust and believe the narcissist WILL try their hardest to destroy that individual just the same as they did you. Don’t waste time pondering or waiting for the narcissist to be on the receiving end of a lifetime supply of karma. You may never see it. If you do, it may take years before you “see” it happen. What I have learned is focusing on myself, my goals, what makes me happy are far more important than what the narcissist has going on in his life. Yes, I blog about the narcissist and tell my story but I no longer attach the narcissist to my pain. He was simply a lesson. I have accepted the fact that he is not supposed to be in my life and he is where he is supposed to be. Once you grasp that, moving on will be so much easier.
Let’s wrap this up!
In conclusion, I know you may be hurting right now as you read this but it gets better. Unlike “normal” breakups, breakups with narcissists are extremely difficult because of the psychological damage that they have left behind. As they move on to what seems effortlessly to their next victim, you are left picking up the broken pieces of the despair. lies and hurt. The narcissist does not bat an eye. He doesn’t care about your tears. They do not have an ounce of empathy so don’t bother telling him how much they have hurt you. They will be completely unphased by your hurt and pain. What makes it hard for for victims of narcissist abuse to move on is because they are holding on to the false image of the narcissist is a person and that they will never find anyone else like them. They feel that they will always be alone and searching for the same person in someone else. This is NOT true. You have to understand that the good person that you thought the narcissist was to you was an act. It wasn’t real. It was a facade to get you hooked so they could hurt you – devalue you.
Do the work!
There is no easy fix for the pain you feel after being discarded by a narcissist. It will take time to heal but you WILL heal. You will be better, you will be stronger. Trust me when I tell you this. But you MUST do the work! Don’t rush the process and DO NOT allow others to tell you how you should feel or tell you to just move on as if that is all you need to do to get over narcissistic abuse. This also includes feeling like you MUST immediately forgive the person who wronged you before forgiving yourself and working on your issues. Many do not understand narcissism or what the victim goes through being in a relationship with a narcissist. Don’t follow your ex’s or the new partner’s social media accounts looking for clues on whether or not the narcissist is getting his or her karma or how happy their life is. All that does is create suffering for you. That’s what he wants. He wants you to feel hopeless, hurt and rejected. Quit subjecting yourself to hurt feelings by watching the play by plays of the narcissist’s new life. STOP BEING A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT!
I will leave you with this. Once I acknowledged that accountability was my superpower, I stopped giving the narcissist power by attaching myself to the pain from that relationship. He is not my story. My story is so much bigger than my failed relationship with the narcissist. I defeated the narcissist by winning on my own terms, focusing on healing and not allowing his hurtful actions to define me or keep me stuck. The narcissist helped me realize that I deserved better and that he was only supposed to be in my life for a lesson, not a lifetime. Once I accepted the fact that this is where I am supposed to be in my life I released him and the pain.
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The Honest Aquarian 
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