WARNING: THIS BLOG IS VERY LONG!
I feel compelled to discuss this topic for several reasons. One of those reasons is because I dealt with this. I was unaware of how many men and women who are currently entangled or have been in the past in the dangerous web of narcissism. Over the past few weeks, I have had several discussions with others about narcissists and how they negatively impact our lives. Most of the time, we don’t realize what is happening until it is too late.
My last relationship was a pivotal moment in my life, and it unveiled a lot of things that I didn’t see while I was in the relationship. Last year, I started going back to therapy. I told my therapist the things that were transpiring in my life and the highest on my list of ISSUES was my breakup with my ex. I told her the horror stories of arguments and toxic behaviors exhibited by him and I both. I would further discuss my former partner’s actions and tendencies, and she finally said to me “He sounds like he is a little bit of a narcissist.” WHOA!! A what??
Disclaimer
As always, I add a disclaimer to my blogs when needed. I am not an EXPERT in Narcissist Personality Disorder, but I have done enough research to discuss it confidently. A licensed psychologist/psychiatrist is the only way to diagnose someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, websites like Psychology Today and Mayo Clinic explain the traits/characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
I have researched NPD for the past year, and while there are several types of a narcissists and many are easy to spot, I will be discussing my personal experience with a covert narcissist. Narcissism of this kind is not as easy to spot which is even more detrimental because the abuse is subtle and often goes undetected until it is too late. I noticed the symptoms in my experience, but it wasn’t until I began to feel the effects of the damage the narcissist caused that I recognized, put the pieces of the puzzle together and accepted that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Narcissist Personality Disorder is not gender-specific. Men and women can be narcissists.
Back to Narcissism
I had no idea that everything I was experiencing with this person at the time was due to him being a covert narcissist but it all made sense. I heard of narcissism before and it was mostly used to describe highly self-absorbed, egotistical men mostly. It wasn’t until I started researching this topic that I knew the true essence of narcissism. I vividly recall calling out the narcissistic behaviors and telling him he needed to change those actions to have a healthy relationship. I found out quickly that this person did not have the emotional intelligence that is often required to maintain healthy relationships. A long distance relationship is challenging; they are even more challenging when the issues that plague the relationship meet stonewalling, silent treatment and projection. However, the long distance relationship is the perfect scenario for the covert narcissist. They can hide behind text messages, social media and distance.
I didn’t realize how damaging narcissists can be to the human spirit. They carefully plan out how they are going to deceive and manipulate you.
So what is a Narcissist?
“Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism. ” ~Mayoclinic.org
*It is postulated that narcissistic personality disorder starts as early as childhood due to an imbalance in parent-child relationships. You can read more about the causes and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder here.
Narcissists are cowards, and they play very dirty. But what you MUST understand is that narcissists are not mentally healthy individuals. The things that an emotionally intelligent individual wouldn’t do, the narcissist WILL do. This blog is not a bashing session on the narcissist-it’s awareness. Keep in mind, not all emotionally abusive relationships mean that the abuser is a narcissist. If you believe that your partner is a narcissist, try not to focus so much on the narcissist label but the abuse that is occurring in the relationship. Abuse is not okay. Toxic relationships are not okay. In my research, I found that many questioned if their partner was a narcissist and would list all of the bad things the person was doing to them as a way to determine if their partner was a narcissist. Understand that being a narcissist is a label that is overly used and often used to generalized a self-centered person. Narcissists are self-centered, but there is a deeper pathology of these individuals that supersedes just being egotistical.
Let’s Be Clear
Nowadays the word Narcissist is often associated with a horrible and selfish ex. I feel that this word is used a lot by people who may show one or two characteristics of this mental disorder. I mean we all know somebody who is arrogant or overly confident in their abilities and looks. I didn’t understand this type of person until I was out of the relationship. I recognized the traits but didn’t know it was narcissism at the root of his issues. After my therapist told me that she believed that last partner is a narcissist, I began to research narcissism, and he fits every description of a covert narcissist (one of the worst besides the malignant narcissist) Surprisingly, there are various types of narcissism. The covert narcissist, malignant narcissist, overt narcissist are just to name a few. They each exhibit distinct behaviors that characterize them to be who they are. It is important not to misinterpret specific actions or personality traits as an individual being a narcissist.
Narcissist attach themselves to highly successful people. For one, it makes them look good and they can leach off of the financial success of their targets. Some narcissists will overtly ask their targets for money to pay for things. Let’s keep this in perspective. In relationships, financially supporting your partner is not a negative thing depending on the circumstances. So when I say things about the narcissist, it is not relative to healthy romantic relationships. Narcissists expect you to pay for things. They don’t like spending their “hard-earned” money on YOU and when they do it is based on conditions or they later use it to throw it back in your face or hold it over your head. Nothing they do is without conditions.
When we think of narcissists, we think of our current PINTO (President in Name and Title Only) or someone who is overtly and excessively self-centered. They are not all loud and proud. Some are quiet, calm, introverted and shy, but in the background, they are angry, vengeful, manipulative, plotting and planning on how to take you down with their emotionally draining, psychological warfare tactics. Covert narcissists love to name drop or associate themselves with people who have the clout or some notoriety. They love nice things and are very materialistic. Healthy people who love nice things appreciate the value or significance that comes with those nice things. The narcissist loves nice things because it boosts their ego and for the public. The rely heavily on what the public thinks about them.
This blog is not for the faint of heart! Upon reading this blog, you may notice that these same traits reside in your partner or loved ones. Narcissists are dangerous, but I do believe that there is hope if they want to change, seek therapy and spiritual guidance. The work will not be easy, so if a narcissist truly wants to change they will have to devote a lot of emotional energy, submit their ego and become vulnerable to the process. Mind you; the narcissist has been that way for YEARS. Let’s get into it!
Here’s a list of the stages of being in a relationship with a narcissist:
1. Love Bombing aka Idealization.
Love bombing is the narcissists’ art of influence. They shower the new target with excessive attention and affection. When the narcissist finds a new target or supply, they begin to love bomb them. Love bombing is when the narcissist showers their target with compliments, tells them how happy they are the new supply is in their life, they compare the new supply to their ex and how the new target is nothing like her. They text you every day, sharing funny memes, telling you how beautiful/pretty you are. You will are told how glad they are you are in their life, and they have never met a woman like you. They pile it on thick! In a matter of weeks of dating, they are already telling you that you are their soul mate or they are in love with you.
EVERYBODY IS THE NARCISSIST’S SOULMATE! THEY WANT TO MARRY EVERY WOMAN THEY DEEM TO BE THEIR PERFECT PARTNER! How Sway? They go as far as to start planning major life events like marriage, having children, moving in together at a rapid pace. I can recall in my personal experience, the narcissist asking me early on about marriage, children, etc. In a typical, healthy relationship, children, marriage and building a life together are things both parties will discuss early on because you are trying to get to know them and determine if this is someone you want to pursue a future. However, when it comes to the narcissist, this is discussed with the intention of moving fast and getting you to the altar with lightning speed. The more they find out about you early on, the more they can mirror you and pretend to be just like you.
Side note: In most healthy relationships, love develops over time, not weeks. I know some may believe in love at first sight. I am not sure if it exists or not but what I do know is that it takes time to get to know someone, find out how they communicate, handle arguments, how they relate others. I am immediately turned off by people who move fast and try to convince me that moving fast in a relationship is normal.
When the narcissist is in the idealization phase, they are grooming their target to become attached to their frequent showering them with their compliments, constant adoration and attention to them. He is romance and passion in human form. When the narcissist is love bombing you, the part of your brain that responds to the adoration and constant compliments become modified and addicted to the love-bombing. Narcissists are incredibly attentive, thoughtful and caring. Things progress quickly during the idealization phase. Narcissists are obsessed with the way you look so they will always tell you how beautiful you are and if you bring up your insecurities, the narcissist will immediately tell you how much they love your insecurities. Now what woman wouldn’t fall for a man like that?
PAUSE!!!
Playing up your insecurities is how the narcissist gets you effed up! In a healthy relationship, when your partner embraces your vulnerabilities, they do it in a way that is authentic and genuine. Because of the narcissist’s shrewd ability to come off as a genuine and authentic person, it is difficult to tell when they are faking it because most partners compliment you right? The narcissist showers you with compliments not only to build you up before they devalue you but also so that you will return those same compliments to them in return. Their motives behind their praises are premeditated and calculated because they plan on taking you off of your high horse slowly but surely. Also, the narcissist’s compliments are to keep you addicted to their constant flattery so when they devalue you, it is harder to leave because they make you feel VERY special and wanted. You are addicted to them, their flattery, their romantic gestures-they are the knight in shining armor you have been waiting your entire life for! However, the narcissist is not doing this for YOU. The narcissist HAS to have their ego fed at all times! The praises and adoration they give you are not for you! It is all about them.
EXHIBIT A:
In my relationship with the narcissist, we communicated all day every day. I was VERY impressed that this guy would take so much time out of his day to interact with me. He was making an effort to get to know me and ask me about what I wanted in a man, marriage, kids, etc. He was amazing!! The funny memes, inside jokes, YouTube shenanigans was our “special” way of engaging with one another, and I felt he was so much like me. The man I thought was kind, gentle and loving was a chameleon. He could adapt to any woman by merely mirroring her and using her words and behaviors as intel for his devalue plan.
Then the Mask Falls Off.
After the narcissist is finished love bombing their new target, the mask slowly but surely slips off, and they reveal who they genuinely are. The once loving and romantic guy is now giving you the silent treatment because he doesn’t like the fact you challenged his bad behavior so he has to teach you a lesson, intentionally ruins holidays, birthdays or any special event in your life (we will talk about that later). It is a subtle erosion of what you thought to be true as well as who you are. After the narcissist builds you up, he slowly tears you down in the most undetectable and cunning way possible. They will no doubt EXPOSE themselves to who they are.
2. Blame Shifting.
Narcissists NEVER accept blame for the negative things that they do and say in their relationships. It is ALWAYS someone else’s fault. When they are called out for their negative behaviors, they immediately shift blame onto the other party or deflect onto you. For example, if the narcissist is called out on a lie they will say that YOU are lying. They will blame their adverse reactions as being someone else’s fault because had the person not made them mad, then none of this would be happening (I can’t tell you how many times I heard this). Narcissists use blame shifting to manipulate their partner by playing the victim when confronted with their bad behavior. They will turn the tables on you and bring up something from the past or something utterly unrelated about how you hurt them, and suddenly you are the bad guy apologizing to them! HA! GOT EM!!! I can recall texting the narcissist ex I was with , and the conversation was going smoothly. He found an opportunity to use something I did in the past to start an argument. It was out of nowhere. I was utterly confused. He then commenced to get upset and relive the situation. I couldn’t believe this was happening. How did a conversation go from jokes and laughs to arguing and anger? The narcissist will take any situation and make it into something negative and a reason for them to unleash their vindictiveness and revenge on you.
Sidenote: Sometimes the narcissists intentionally creates drama in the relationship to make provision for them cheating. By stirring up drama, they can provoke you to respond negatively, and since they are delusional, they will conjure up excuses for why they should cheat because you are treating them so poorly. Hence, the silent treatment commences and while the narcissist is being silent towards you, chances are they are entertaining other supply. They aren’t at home twiddling their thumbs. They are getting revenge on you.
Narcissists are control freaks, and they exert this control in various ways like showing up late. Now before you start accusing your always-late-never-on-time friends and family of being narcissists understand the difference. The typical person is late because they lack practical time management skills and most of the time it is not something done intentionally. The narcissist is tardy because it is a way for them to be in control and their delusion of self-importance. They know that if their partner is waiting for them to arrive, they intentionally belabor the event, and most likely blame it on someone else for being late. Narcissists want you to feel honored by their presence. In my personal experience with the narcissist, tardiness was control. He needed to have control and intentionally arriving late was his way of maintaining control in the relationship.
3. Manipulation.
Narcissists are master manipulators. They have mastered the art of deception. They play the victim when confronted with their behavior. The positive attributes that people admire about them is a facade. Narcissists deliberately portray themselves to be these great people to lure you into their “trap” of deception and before their mask falls off. Even when their mask falls off, they continue their deceit and manipulation. Manipulation is the narcissist’s way of controlling the people around them, especially their partner. The narcissist takes what you say and twists it around leaving you bewildered and confused to the point where you don’t even recognize what you said to them.
The narcissists uses manipulation to play the victim. They play the victim making you the problematic person. In reality, the narcissist starts the argument but will blame you for reacting to the horrible things they have said to you or the lies they speak during the conversation. They manufacture drama with the anticipation of you reacting not responding (there’s a difference) negatively and then use it against you. Narcissists do NOT have boundaries, and they don’t recognize or accept the fact that others have boundaries which is why they are habitual line-crossers.
4. Gaslighting is a common tactic used by the narcissist. It is another form of manipulation used by the narcissist. Their goal is to make you dwell in a constant state of doubt. As individuals, we have our lens/perceptions of reality. We may not see things the same. However, the narcissist tries to persuade you into doubting that your thoughts, feelings, attitudes are not real. Again…manipulation is one of the most used mental tactics used by the narcissist. Self-doubt is likely to occur when exposed to gaslighting from a narcissist. Narcissists are determined to misunderstand everything you say. Misinterpreting is another manipulation tactic used by the narcissist. They intentionally hear something different to make you feel like you are going crazy and continuously second-guess yourself. They feel nothing. They go about their day per usual. Meanwhile, you are about to lose your mind trying to figure out why and how the conversation took such a huge turn.
5. Triangulation is an abusive tactic used by the narcissist. Triangulation happens when the narcissist brings another person or group of people into the relationship as a means of attacking the victim or getting the victim to “fight” for the narcissist’s affection even more. This is one of the reasons why I do not suggest remaining friends with exes immediately after a breakup. In most cases, it is relatively impossible to remain friends with an ex-especially if feelings are still involved. But when it comes to the narcissist, it is so they can have you on standby in case the new supply doesn’t work out or if he or she makes the narcissist upset, he will pursue contact with the ex as a means of revenge or punish the new supply. Also, when the narcissist is with his new target, he is telling her bad things about you. The smear campaign consists of “She didn’t appreciate me.”, “She was mean to me.” ” She is crazy!” In return, the new target feels special and the “chosen one.” Meanwhile, when the target’s back is turned, the narcissist is telling his “crazy” ex-girlfriend how much he loves her and how she was on his mind. TRUE STORY!!
Triangulation doesn’t stop at the new target.
6. The Silent Treatment
The narcissistic silent treatment is one of the most commonly used tactics. The narcissist resorts to the silent treatment as a means of “teaching you a lesson.” They are punishing you for something you did or said to them that they did not like. It can happen at any time for any reason. The narcissists maneuvers their way through life with the intent of misunderstanding everything you say and do. Intentional misunderstanding gives them the “right of way” in just about every conversation or argument involving them. They intentionally hear something “different” and will use it against you to justify their reason for not speaking to you. They will code their passive-aggressive behavior by playing the victim and claim that you are attacking them. The silent treatment is designed to render you invalid to the narcissist and as if you don’t matter to them. The narcissist’s intent is to condition you “act accordingly.” It’s how they try to control you. Remember many narcissists need constant adoration so when they are silent towards you, they are communicating with someone else if not worse! I’m not going to sugarcoat this at all! The silent treatment is emotional abuse.
7. The New Target
New Supply – The “new” person that “suddenly” appears out of nowhere after you break up with your ex. The thing is, they are not new. They have been in the picture long before the breakup. Narcissists MUST be adored, needed, praised and have their egos stroked AT ALL TIMES! The new supply is the person they suddenly get into a relationship with and slowly but surely the narcissist will suck the life out of them and they won’t even know what hit them. The new supply is unaware of how his or her life is about to change for the worse. It is too late; the narcissist has already started to make them feel like they are the best thing to ever happen to them. They have poured on the romantic charm on the new target so thick and most likely told the new target several “whoa is me” stories about how all of his or her ex treated them so poorly but conveniently leaving out their role in the demise of the relationsh*t.
8. Social Media
Social media is the narcissist’s playground. It is where 99.9% of their stable of supply resides. The narcissist loves to “flirt” with new supply by liking ALL of their status updates, pictures, etc. The narcissist is sending their smoke signal to the new supply that they are indeed interested. I’m telling you what I know! These are FACTS!!! The narcissist is a social media “fan” of their new target. Everything she posts he will like it. Exhibit A: The narcissist uses the heart emoji under new target’s profile pic. If that is not a sign that a guy is into you, I am not sure what is. Mind you, the narcissist is still in a relationship with his current girlfriend but he doesn’t care. He is already planning his escape and luring his new target into his web.
Nothing is off limits to narcissists. They do NOT care about anyone but themselves. I share this information because it happened to me. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I am glad that I know the truth about the person I once loved and I cared for deeply. This person was living a duplicitous life, and it was all on social media. They have conversations with the new target via private messenger and nine times out of ten they are complaining to the new target about their current relationship and how they are trying to get out of it. The covert narcissist, however, is going to be very strategic and calculating on social media. He doesn’t want to come off like a cheater, so he will tell the new target how awful his current partner is to him to manipulate her into believing that what he is doing isn’t bad. He is just a good guy looking for a good woman to appreciate him.
P.S. One of the biggest disservices you can do for yourself is keeping up with the narcissist on social media. DON’T. It’s not worth the agony. Do NOT follow-up on the new target either. I will discuss this in more detail in a future blog.
9. Holidays.
Narcissists love to ruin nice things. Holidays are one of them. It is the time of year where they go out of their way to make everyone around them feel horrible. They intentionally forget special days or to add insult to injury, they remember special holidays but will deliberately not buy a gift or divert plans and do something silly like watch a movie with their mom and sisters on Valentine’s Day. True Story! They will turn holidays and any intimate social gatherings into a fiasco; they will leave early (social interaction is not a high skill set for them).
Narcissists love to ruin significant milestones such as anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, graduations, etc. During the idealization phase, They shower you with gifts, planning and creating the facade of the perfect gentlemen or gentlewoman. If you spend enough time with them, they will soon start to “forget” birthdays or avoid you on anniversaries and holidays. They will start arguments so they don’t have to be “present.” It’s all calculated and planned. Every move is premeditated.
10. Lack of Empathy
Narcissists do NOT have empathy. NONE!! A loved one can pass away, you can be in the hospital, hit by a car, lose a pet, and they do not care. They may show fake concern on the surface, but they don’t care behind the scenes. It’s back to business as usual. Let me give you an example of how much they do not care. I experienced this on more than one occasion. You can talk to the narcissist about having hard times or simply going through it and they will just look at you with a blank look. Why? They do not have the ability to process the emotions that will cause one to empathize. They don’t care about what is going on with your life. Narcissists are very selfish. They only care about themselves so talking to them about your life is like talking to a brick wall.
Healthy individuals who empathize can put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Sometimes, the narcissist will act as if he cares to keep you in his web of deceit. He isn’t ready to discard you so he will pretend to care to keep you around. It’s all in their plan. They can appear to be thoughtful and concerned if it fits their agenda and to be socially accepted. Being someone who lacks empathy is not a socially acceptable trait so the narcissist will pretend to show concern and compassion to fit in because they are concerned about their public image.
BONUS!! The Discard
The narcissist plans the discard phase weeks if not months before the actual breakup. The narcissist will pick the worst time to discard you. Usually, it is when you need their support most. As I mentioned in earlier blogs, I was recovering from surgery and dealing with extremely stressful work-related issues. The narcissist picked this time to be a total jerk towards me. But now that I know who he is and why he behaved this way, it all makes sense.
When the narcissist is ready to discard you, the smear campaign commences. The smear campaign starts with friends and family and stories about how poorly you are treating the narcissist. Since the narcissist keeps a stable of women in their stash when the time comes for them to discard you, they can move on quickly. While the narcissist is telling those close to him or her how poorly you are treating them, they are grooming their new target. The grooming is typically flirting via social media, “liking” or playfully sharing inside jokes with the new target on Facebook or other social media platforms. The narcissist may even tell their new target about how poorly they are being treated by their current partner to garner sympathy and make the new target feel “special” that the narcissist is even confiding with them about their relationship issues. While the narcissist is busy sharing this narrative about you (old target), he is also telling them about his new target-your replacement. He is saying to them how great the new replacement is, how well she treats him and how he has FINALLY found someone who gets him or her. The narcissist’s family and friends are happy for him and glad that he is with someone who treats him better than his former partner. This is how the narcissist moves into a new relationship so quickly and broadcasts his new relationship publicly without the guilt or shame that most cheaters feel when they move on to a new relationship so soon after ending another one.
Exhibit A
In most breakup scenarios the narcissist is already in a new relationship weeks after the breakup. Pictures are tagged of him on social media of him and his new target sharing moments together . Family and friends are in full support of this new relationship by liking the pics his new target has tagged him in. How can he be so comfortable displaying his new relationship with her knowing his family and friends would question him being in a new relationship so soon? Why? Because he has manipulated his family and friends by telling them about his current partners “overreactions”, bad behavior towards him just trying to be a “good man” not being appreciated. Of course, family and friends will respond with “You deserve someone who treats you better.” The narcissist intentionally withholds what they did to cause the reaction from their family and friends so that they appear innocent. The narcissist is doing what he does best – manipulate those around him. They play on the humanity of others. They make a joke of it and use it to their advantage. The covert narcissist is the “good guy” that everybody likes and wants to be around. They have this ability to adapt to whatever environment they are in at the time. As I said, they are chameleons.
When the narcissist enters into a new relationship, he doesn’t look like a cheater because he has manipulated his family and friends into believing that they deserved to be in this new relationship because he was treated so poorly by his former partner and needed to end the relationship with her. Side note: I have come to terms with this narrative. I know the truth, and I know who I am. That is the only narrative that matters – MINE! I understand the type of person I was dealing with and making me look bad was the only way for him to look like the “innocent” cheater. When you are a coward, ending relationships like a mature adult is like kryptonite to Superman.
While most reasonable people understand that cheating is wrong and feel bad about it, the narcissist does not. He has built his case against you-keeping tally of everything you have done wrong to him in the relationship and uses that to justify their cheating, manipulation and other psychologically abusive mind games.
When the narcissist discards you, they will go silent on you and ignore you. One of the reasons behind this tactic is to punish you. While they are ignoring you, they are love bombing their new target. They are telling the new target that you are the “crazy ex” who simply can’t let go. In return, this makes the new target feel “special.” Here you are with her while another woman you share a past with wants you as well. What the narcissist is doing is creating triangulation and the narcissist’s way of keeping the new target on her toes. The narcissist loves bringing up their former partners in their new relationships so, during this time, the narcissist is talking about how awful you are to his new target. Don’t fret. There is nothing you can do about the narrative he or she is spreading about you. We can only control the narrative we speak about ourselves. What the narcissist doesn’t realize is all of the bad things they are spreading about you is more telling of who they are and the company they keep. This brings me to my next point.
After narcissist discards you and ignores you for weeks or months , even years later. They will circle back and hoover. Hoovering a common tactic used by the narcissist to reel you back into their web of manipulation, lies and deceit. The silent treatment is to teach you a lesson, manufacture anxiety within you and make you feel less than so when they come back, you will quickly accept them back into your life and be happy that they see value in you. As I told you earlier, narcissists need a constant supply. They can’t leave one situation and be alone. They MUST have someone else waiting in the wings to validate them and make them feel special. Narcissists feel like they are doing you a favor by being with you.
The narcissistic hoover comes in the form of deception. They will carefully use their words to lead you to believe that he or she wants to work things out so they will use “love” language or use words that play on your emotions. For healthy individuals who have feelings, the narcissists actions seem legit. What the narcissist is doing is playing chess with your heart. They want to keep you around as a plan B in case the new target doesn’t work out and to triangulate you. See what the new target doesn’t know is that the narcissist is using her too. The narcissist has planned all of this out, and now he is putting his plan into action.
The narcissist will tell you that he or she wants to remain friends post-breakup. Here’s the thing: Why do they want to be friends if they have told their family and friends so many bad things about you? Who wants to be friends with someone who treats them poorly?? The narcissist does this to keep you around and maintain control, and WHEN the new target gets boring, they can come back to you. It’s a very sick game, and I am speaking on what I know. The narcissist came back around and told me, how much he loved me and I was on his mind among other things, but I could discern that he was not forthcoming. He didn’t come back because he loved me. I was a pawn in his game. The new girl was a pawn just as well. I mean what self-respecting man flip flops from one woman to another inciting drama?? It would have made him feel so “special” to have me and his new target fighting over him, or when his new target got on his nerves, he could “innocently” text me behind her back. The same thing he was doing behind my back.
Narcissists would like for you to believe that the demise of the relationship is all YOUR fault and that you are unlovable, difficult, ask for too much, etc. You are asking them to be a reasonable human being in a mature relationship, and this is something that they REFUSE to do. See, narcissists feel that all they need to do is show up with their looks, private parts and their bank accounts and they will treat you as if you should be honored to be with them because they have a host of women wanting to be with them, so you BETTER behave.
You are on to their mind games and emotional abuse, so they move on to their next target and start the cycle over again. If you pay close attention, you will notice that the narcissist ALWAYS leaves behind a trail of destruction wherever they go. All of their relationships end badly, and they are the victim in each scenario.
EXTRA BONUS!! The Gift
One of the greatest gifts the narcissist can give you is their absence! It may sting for a while but once you uncover who they genuinely are and OVERstand that these people do not function like emotionally healthy individuals do. Think about how drama free your life was before the narcissist showed up? If your life wasn’t drama free, I am sure the narcissist intensified the drama tremendously. Narcissists live in a constant state of tension and confusion. They LOVE drama! When the narcissist leaves your life, you will suddenly have an overwhelming amount of peace. Yes, it will hurt in the beginning because the person you thought the narcissist was only an illusion. You loved them, cared for them and even saw a future with them, but the narcissist tricked you. They tricked you into believing that he was a good person, a good man, husband material but that is not who he was. The gag is on us-so the narcissist’s thinks. Keep reading.
You will Heal.
Just like a physical wound, emotional wounds take time to heal. The deeper the injury, the longer it takes to recover. Some wounds are deep, and they are excruciating. The mere thought of it is unbearable to think about. This is how we process emotional scars. Some emotional wounds take a longer time to heal, but those wounds heal once we apply proper treatment to those wounds. Putting a band-aid on the wound doesn’t remove the wound, it is a temporary fix. That is how it looks when we run from one relationship to another. The new person is a band-aid. They only cover up the surface of our issues. In my own experiences, I can recall breaking up with someone and getting into a new situation relatively quickly. While the new person took my mind off of my past relationship, it was a temporary fix because the same issues would resurface because I need healing inwardly. I was expecting my new partner to heal my wounds and nobody could fix that but ME! One of the biggest lessons the narcissist taught me was that I did not love myself. When you love yourself, there are certain lines you don’t allow someone to cross. It took me a long time to admit that I didn’t love myself. My ego got in the way, and I refused to acknowledge my lack of self-love to myself or anybody else for that matter. We all know that narcissists are emotional vultures, we still have to take accountability. I will get into how to move forward after breaking up with a narcissist in another blog.
Thank you for taking the time to read my novel blog. Narcissism is a vast topic, and I can’t cover it in one blog. This blog is based on my personal experience along with factual evidence of how narcissist behave. Narcissists are dangerous to your mental health. They wear you down, and when the narcissist is done with you, they move on to someone else to repeat the same cycle. You’re not missing out. Your life has just begun! Trust me, life post narcissist gets better, you are stronger, wiser and you most of all, you see the value in YOU. Once you recognize yourself for the bad@$$ that you are, you will NEVER entertain toxic relationships again!
I know I didn’t cover everything. It is impossible to do in one blog but I wanted to share my experience. My journey has been amazing. 2017 has taught me several life lessons and it was the year of self-discovery, healing and progression. Detaching from toxic relationships can have its negative effects on us but we can move past them. It takes hard work, focus, spiritual guidance and most importantly people who love us and support our journey. I started this blog earlier this year and it has been one of my biggest accomplishments! Documenting my journey is my way of telling my story to not only help me, but help others. I am a humanitarian at heart and I love helping people. This is my way of giving back. I hope this blog helps you. Feel free to comment. I would love to hear from you!
As always you can find me on Facebook and IG @thehonestaquarian.
Until next time, Merry Christmas and cheers to an awesome New Year!!!
The Honest Aquarian 