I feel compelled to discuss this because it is very important to me and it needs to be discussed. It has been weighing heavily on my mind so I have to talk about this. By the way, I will use the word ‘disengage’ quite a bit in this blog.
YOU have to determine the type of energy you will or will NOT allow into your space when it comes to protecting your energy. I have learned over the years and more recently that I don’t have to go to every “party” I am invited to. What I mean by this is that I don’t have to respond to EVERYTHING. I pick and choose my battles. Silence really is golden-especially when I am invited to a party I don’t want to attend. I am learning to respectfully decline “invites”nowadays.
Protecting your energy means disengaging from people, places and things that disturbs your inner peace. This also includes your own thoughts, feelings and emotions. It means staying centered in stressful and emotionally charged events.
One of the many ways I protect my energy is recognizing when I am being baited into nonsense. The old me wouldn’t hesitate to go back and forth with someone to get my point across or get them to see things my way. Now, I move in silence. I find so much peace being silent. I have always been a relatively quiet person and I speak when necessary. This is not to say that if you are a social person you should not be who you are. Being social is a great thing. What I am saying is that it is important to pick and choose your battles when it comes to emotionally charged situations. Staying centered during these exchanges is important. You don’t have to respond to people or situations that disrupt your energy and inner peace. The results from these types of situations typically will not end well for you.
A while ago I encountered a situation where I almost gave away my power and didn’t do a great job of protecting my peace. I will spare you the details but prior to this situation I was feeling great, focused and centered before they “showed up”. Then it happened. In one moment, I allowed myself to feel badly about a situation from the past. This person that showed up reminded me of pain, rejection and deceit. I allowed someone to come in my mental space and take me back to a point in my life I worked hard to move on from. I was determined not to stay there. I wanted to revert to my old self and confront the person and escalate the situation to get my point across. I felt like I was being baited into drama and this person wanted me to make a move.
It was hard for me because I felt that this person was trying to bait me into their nonsense and I almost obliged them. I was in my feelings. I began to create “stories” about why this person was in my mental space and what their motives may be. I got amped up and was ready to accept their “invite”. This was unnecessary drama that I didn’t need in my life. How would any type of response to this person or situation improve my life? How will I feel about myself after giving into the temptation to tell this person off? See where this is going? YOU have the power to control where your energy is spent. Remember, nobody can steal your joy unless you allow them to steal your joy! I worked too hard to get where I am to allow myself to give into situations that take me into the “sunken place”.
I had to take a step back and understand that this person is struggling with who they are. There was potentially something going on within them that caused them to seek me out and invite me to party with them. Think about it, if this person was happy and secure with themselves, they wouldn’t be doing what they were doing. I had to redirect my thoughts and understand that it wasn’t about the other person. It was about me and how I was going to protect my energy and maintain my inner peace.
Protecting your energy can be challenging in today’s world. There’s so much turmoil and chaos around us but there is also a lot of good around us as well. Focusing on what truly matters…YOU and understanding that you have the choice in regards to how you respond not REACT to stressful or emotionally charged situations. I came up with some ways you can protect your energy and maintain your inner peace.
Disconnect from negative people and situations.
This comes natural to me. I never had an issue disconnecting from negative people and the situations that involve them. I need my space. However, my peace was also being disrupted constantly. Now, I know myself well enough to recognize the physiological changes that happen within my body when I am around individuals who harbor negative energy. I don’t like feeling that way so I remove myself from people and situations that drain my energy.
Sometimes we can’t escape negative energy. The situation doesn’t allow us to physically leave the situation. I have been in several situations where I had to be around someone’s negative energy. It’s tough. I am still a work in progress so there are times I am triggered and want to react to their negative words and actions. For example, I am easily annoyed by argumentative people. They will take any and every conversation (mostly trivial) and turn it into an argument or a back and forth session. I can’t engage with the argumentative/disagreeable individual. It’s pointless to go back and forth with them. They are ALWAYS right. You will ALWAYS be wrong. I give myself permission to walk away or disengage from those conversations. I know my triggers and there are some things I simply can’t give my energy to. I have learned that I don’t have to prove anything. I don’t have to prove that I am smart. I don’t have to PROVE my intelligence-it will speak for itself. I will ask questions when I don’t know something. I wasn’t always like that. I used to be afraid to ask questions because I didn’t want people to think I was dumb or not as smart as they are. I am more self-aware and self-assured and I know who I am so it’s okay.
What people think or feel about me is not my business so if they leave the conversation feeling they are smarter or “more right” than me, that’s fine. I don’t lose sleep over what people think anymore. I protect my peace by trusting myself and knowing that I am doing what is right for me. That includes removing myself from situations that trigger my emotions in a negative way.
It’s okay to verbally communicate your wishes to walk away from conversations that disrupt your energy. Be honest and clear in your communication.
Disengage from social media.
Social media has been one of the biggest contributors to the mass distribution of news, calls to action, social injustice activism, business branding, etc. I LOVE social media. I am a VERY active user of social media for personal and business branding. I love connecting with family, friends and brand influencers at my leisure. Social media provides access to various forms of information in one click. BUT there are times when social media can be one of the biggest contributors to the disruption of my inner peace. It can be overwhelming at times.
I have learned to disengage when I feel overwhelmed. Believe it or not, social media is a partial extension of who we are. No matter how many times I hear someone say “Social media isn’t real.” I have to somewhat disagree. Social media practically runs our lives. There’s a vast amount of intel we can gather on a person on just about every social media platform. However, it can give us a false sense of reality. Everything is not what it seems.
EXHIBIT A:
What we see: The happy couple that everyone adores and looks up to because they are always posting pics of their “happy” life.
What we don’t see: They are both are unhappy and contemplating divorce but they don’t want everyone to know that they are having problems so they present a facade to the masses that they are happy.
Exhibit B:
What we see: The doting girlfriend who posts the “usies” pics of her and her boyfriend with all of the romantic, lovey dovey hashtags.
What we don’t see: The insecurity she harbors inside of herself and about their relationship or the red flags she has been ignoring but refuses to let him go because she doesn’t want to be alone.
See where this is going?
Social media is a curating tool for us to be whatever we want to be. Nobody is going to show the dark side-only the good. What we don’t want others to know about us, we don’t have to divulge.
Disconnecting from social media and reconnecting to myself is one of the ways I protect my energy. Lately there have been several events that have taken place regarding the countless black lives lost due to police brutality. It takes a toll on me and while I use social media to help bring awareness to these issues, it does take a toll on my emotional well-being. I had to give myself permission to disconnect and regroup. I don’t have to share every blog post about the social injustice or comment on the blogs in response to the nasty, hate-filled comments I see. I used to react to such commentary by these keyboard cowards and try to get them to see how wrong they were. All that did was make me more angry and off course. Now, I protect my energy by not taking the time to read the blog comments on social injustice issues. I know that there is hate out there and I don’t need to subject myself to it by actively looking for it.
Set personal boundaries.
Setting boundaries is a priority when it comes to protecting your energy. Never apologize for protecting your peace. It’s okay to say no to something you don’t want to do and not feel guilty for doing so. I had a conversation with someone close to me about this. We talk about setting boundaries and why feeling guilt for saying no is commonplace for us. I had to unpack the guilt I felt for saying no or telling someone I can’t do this or that for them. Setting personal boundaries may upset your family, friends and colleagues; they may even try to make you feel badly for setting boundaries. That is okay. Self-love means acting on what YOU need. Have you noticed that when you say yes when you mean no doesn’t make YOU feel good?
Self-care is self explanatory. You are not taking care of yourself when you do things for other people out of guilt or fear of upsetting them. Living your life to make others comfortable disrespecting you or crossing your personal boundaries is NOT self-love.
PS: It’s okay to say NO! I learned to say no to things and it feels good saying no when I mean no. Saying yes to things when you mean no only hurts you. You’re not operating under authenticity.
I have learned to use my voice to speak my truth and to stand up for myself when I feel that my personal boundaries are not respected. Give yourself permission to stand up for yourself, set boundaries and don’t feel guilty for doing so. I used to internalize the psychological projections (defending yourself against your own unconscious impulses/behaviors/qualities and and attributing them to others) from other people and make it my issue. Here’s an example of psychological projection : A habitual liar will accuse other people of being habitual liars.
Helpful Hint: Speaking up for yourself may seem overwhelming and scary initially. Be mindful of how you are feeling and your emotions when addressing others about crossing your boundaries.
You don’t want to exacerbate the situation into something possibly more negative by being defensive and eager to prove a point. There’s a difference between being assertive and aggressive. Choose wisely. You can read more about setting boundaries here.
Recognize and understand what you are feeling.
There were times in the past where I didn’t always recognize my feelings or why I was feeling them. I would simply react. I just knew that I was mad, upset or disappointed at the time and I needed to do something about it. Self-preservation at its finest. Now, I recognize my feelings and unpack why I feel the way I feel (feel the feels). I understand that I am responsible for my own behavior and well-being no matter what someone else says or does. Protecting your peace and energy requires self-awareness. Before my “awakening” I was aware that I was upset but didn’t take the time to unpack my triggers. I would go off and allow my anger to push me to say and do things that I would later feel badly about and subsequently apologize for. Now that I am in tune with my emotions and feelings, I take the time to unpack my triggers and be honest with myself in regards to my feelings.
Meditate.
There’s a lot to be said about meditation. I swear by it. It has become a weekly routine for me. I stated in a previous blog that I meditate to focus and center myself. Meditation is a great way to clear your mind, release any negative energy your body has been harboring throughout the day/week and invite the positive energy into your physical and mental space. You can find more about meditation here. This is a great way to protect your peace and maintain your power.
RELAX. RELATE. RELEASE.
Wear earphones.
This may sound crazy but I swear by it. I wear earphones at work all of the time. My job role allows me the awesome privilege of wearing earphones. I realize that this method may not work for everyone due to various circumstances/job roles but if you can, I promise you it works! Wearing earphones at work keeps me in control of what I hear and allow into my space. I hear conversations ranging from politics to whispers of gossip about someone in the office. I protect my peace from these external variants by listening to podcasts, music or audio books. I love it because I am in control and not subjecting myself to pointless banter that doesn’t contribute to my life in a positive way.
PS. Be responsible. Don’t wear earphones at work meetings because you don’t want to hear your coworker nag about pointless issues. You will get fired! LOL!
Stop being a martyr.
In psychology martyr’s are described as people who unnecessarily endure willful suffering in the name of love or duty. There is nothing wrong with helping others or showing compassion to others. What I am referring to are people who continuously put themselves on the front lines for others but refuse to take care of their own needs. I struggled with this for many years. Most of my life I grew up in church. We were always taught that God blesses those who put themselves last in so many words. Martyrdom is unrewarding and at the end of the day, it is you that is left empty and unfulfilled. I have been guilty of this. I have watched myself give to others consistently all while these same people go about their lives not giving a d@mn. I’m not suggesting you do things for others to receive something in return but when you take care of yourself you are less likely to put yourself in situations where you always the giver and never receive. Mind you, I am not saying be some selfish, self-service jerk to people. That is not the message here. The message is don’t feel badly for looking out for and protecting YOU.
Practice gratefulness.
I mentioned this in my last blog. Being grateful is one of many ways I stay intact. When I feel down and out, I start to think about the good that is happening in my life. There’s so much tragedy and sadness happening around us. The fact that you are alive and breathing is enough to be grateful for. I have many things to be grateful for and when I start counting my blessings, I feel much better. Write a list of all of the things you are grateful for. Even in the most dire circumstances, finding the good can be challenging-let’s be real but I challenge you to find it.
Dwelling on the negative only sets the stage for more disappointment and in some cases depression. Life is too short to ruminate on negative thinking or replaying past “injuries” or “injustices”. For example, I have been dealing with being wronged by someone I really loved and cared about. I know my triggers and feeling “played” incites me to get some “street justice” and right what was wronged. I was consumed by it. I really wanted this person to pay because I didn’t feel that I deserved to be treated in such a manner. I finally had to stop and ask myself what good was this doing for me and my well being?
Yes it was hurtful but I was giving this person too much credit as to the impact they had on me and my life. I had to look at how much I have grown and how this person’s actions pushed me to be better. Protecting my peace meant wishing them well and moving on with my own life and focusing on the only thing that matters…ME! I don’t need to pursue revenge. My mama raised me better than that! I am grateful for the lesson learned. It was a priceless lesson that will stay with me forever. Sometimes those lessons hurt but we have to find the good in the hurt. Most of the time we can find the good in hurtful situations. It doesn’t seem like it at times but there is if you look for it. Being grateful for the lessons life teaches us is Protecting my peace also meant that you reap what you sow…good and bad. We are human and we will make mistakes, poor decisions and not always at our best but the goal is to strive towards greatness even when it seems unattainable.
In conclusion…
Protecting your energy and inner peace is non negotiable. It’s okay to walk away from conversations and people that awaken your triggers. If you know that certain things will get you upset or mad, WALK AWAY! If you can’t walk away, take deep breaths, be mindful of what you are feeling and center yourself. It’s okay to say no to the things that are not in alignment with your inner peace. It’s okay to decline invites. You are not obligated to give an explanation to anyone when you say no. I’m learning that protecting my energy will likely upset some people but I’m okay with that. I have the right to put myself first and I won’t neglect myself to make others comfortable. This may sound harsh but I am unapologetic when it comes to protecting Shontelle. For so long, I have allowed others to dictate how I should or shouldn’t feel, what I should or shouldn’t do or what I should or should not think. It’s draining and at the end of the day I am the one that ends up frustrated and upset. As I mentioned before it’s not what you say but how you say so when you are protecting your energy, do it from a place of assertiveness, compassion and kindness. You don’t have to be a jack@$$ to get your point across.
You are responsible for the energy you bring to the table.
I hope this message resonated with you now and the future. Commit to protecting your energy and inner peace. You have the power and there is nothing anyone can do to take that from you unless you allow it.
Please send me an email at thehonestaquarian@gmail.com if you have any questions or simply need a listening ear.
Follow me on IG @thehonestaquarian. You can also find me on Facebook under the same user handle.
Until next time…
The Honest Aquarian 